I have been noticing that I have been dealing with conflicting feelings regarding my sexuality. Sometimes I feel very clear headed and I think along the lines of: “Why didn’t I realize my attraction to women sooner?” “I had a lot more crushes on women than I actually knew of” “I actually liked a lot of female characters and I didn’t realize it” “Many of the characters I created that I actually related to were lesbian/bisexual and were with a woman” “I’ve never actually fantasized about my future wedding. I just wanted to live in a house with some animals. I never had a spouse” When I think this way, it makes a lot of sense and I’m coming to many realizations. I was never really straight as I thought. I actually really liked women a lot and I still do. I just horribly repressed this feelings for years and was in such denial about all of them. In some ways, I’m still in denial about it. I get many, many intrusive thoughts and self doubts about how I acted in the past, including those thoughts surrounding men. I think along the lines of: “Well, look at all these fictional male characters you liked. You fantasized about them” “What about the crushes you had on boys? You were happy and giddy when they gave you attention” “You dated multiple men & had sex with them. You must of obviously liked it” “You’re probably just going through a phase or actually just bisexual or straight in denial” “You’ll forget about this eventually and find another guy to date” “You just need to try harder with men.There has to be one out there that you like.” “See all those guys around you? Aren’t they attractive?” I will also try searching pictures of male celebrities I once thought I liked and even “hot boys” to test and see if I’m attracted to them. I keep testing myself to see if I have a “gotcha!” moment. I mean, I can’t really be gay right? Maybe if my mental illness and OCD wasn’t so rampant in my life maybe I’d actually just be happy in a heterosexual relationship. But I know that’s anxious bullshit. When I lay with a woman, I love holding her in my arms. It’s a wonderful experience. I love cuddling and hugging women. It feels like home to me. It makes sense. I love to kiss and please a woman. If I don’t get pleasure in return, it doesn’t bother me as much. Just doing things with a woman is wonderful. I hope she just enjoys it as much as I do. I often doubt and worry about this all as well. I go in circles in my head of worrying that I’m not actually enjoying it or my brain tries to compare it to times I’ve done stuff with men. I fucking hate it. It bothers me to no end. I wanna actually allow myself to enjoy spending time with another women without my brain trying to interject with these thoughts and they bother me. I talked with my mom and many of my friends online and they say I look much happier than I ever have been in a long time and I honestly do feel happy. Spending time around other LGBT+ women is amazing. I feel so comfortable around them and I can actually be myself. When I’m around heteroseuxal people, I feel awkward and I wanna hide. When my friends talk about boys, I feel awkward. Sometimes I wish I could relate to them but I can’t. When I hear women talking about how they enjoy relationships with men, I don’t understand. When they say that they’re not attracted to women or many women at all, it doesn’t make sense. Who wouldn’t be attracted to a woman? They’re amazing, beautiful and wonderful human beings and I’d spend the rest of my life with one. Even with how I feel about women, I feel like I need to try harder with men. I worry that I dress “too gay” and need to dress more feminine in order to impress them, although I get uncomfortable if a man stares at me too long. I also feel like I need to be available to them. Maybe “Mr. Right” will come along. I’d rather shoot myself in the foot if I ever ended up in a relationship with a man. I know part of this as well is a fear of the uncertainty of the future. I don’t know what’s gonna happen. Maybe I will end up with a man who makes me happy. Maybe I will end up with a woman who makes me feel complete. All I know for the time being is that I want to just be with women. I don’t want this to be another “phase” I go through like the many interests I have. I want this for the long haul. I don’t wanna go back to what I thought I had to do. I wanna continue with what I wanna do.