1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Conflicting Feelings

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Omegduh, Sep 5, 2020.

  1. Omegduh

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 31, 2020
    Messages:
    38
    Likes Received:
    26
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I have been noticing that I have been dealing with conflicting feelings regarding my sexuality. Sometimes I feel very clear headed and I think along the lines of:

    “Why didn’t I realize my attraction to women sooner?”

    “I had a lot more crushes on women than I actually knew of”

    “I actually liked a lot of female characters and I didn’t realize it”

    “Many of the characters I created that I actually related to were lesbian/bisexual and were with a woman”

    “I’ve never actually fantasized about my future wedding. I just wanted to live in a house with some animals. I never had a spouse”

    When I think this way, it makes a lot of sense and I’m coming to many realizations. I was never really straight as I thought. I actually really liked women a lot and I still do. I just horribly repressed this feelings for years and was in such denial about all of them. In some ways, I’m still in denial about it.

    I get many, many intrusive thoughts and self doubts about how I acted in the past, including those thoughts surrounding men. I think along the lines of:

    “Well, look at all these fictional male characters you liked. You fantasized about them”

    “What about the crushes you had on boys? You were happy and giddy when they gave you attention”

    “You dated multiple men & had sex with them. You must of obviously liked it”

    “You’re probably just going through a phase or actually just bisexual or straight in denial”

    “You’ll forget about this eventually and find another guy to date”

    “You just need to try harder with men.There has to be one out there that you like.”

    “See all those guys around you? Aren’t they attractive?”

    I will also try searching pictures of male celebrities I once thought I liked and even “hot boys” to test and see if I’m attracted to them. I keep testing myself to see if I have a “gotcha!” moment. I mean, I can’t really be gay right? Maybe if my mental illness and OCD wasn’t so rampant in my life maybe I’d actually just be happy in a heterosexual relationship. But I know that’s anxious bullshit.

    When I lay with a woman, I love holding her in my arms. It’s a wonderful experience. I love cuddling and hugging women. It feels like home to me. It makes sense. I love to kiss and please a woman. If I don’t get pleasure in return, it doesn’t bother me as much. Just doing things with a woman is wonderful. I hope she just enjoys it as much as I do.

    I often doubt and worry about this all as well. I go in circles in my head of worrying that I’m not actually enjoying it or my brain tries to compare it to times I’ve done stuff with men. I fucking hate it. It bothers me to no end. I wanna actually allow myself to enjoy spending time with another women without my brain trying to interject with these thoughts and they bother me.

    I talked with my mom and many of my friends online and they say I look much happier than I ever have been in a long time and I honestly do feel happy. Spending time around other LGBT+ women is amazing. I feel so comfortable around them and I can actually be myself. When I’m around heteroseuxal people, I feel awkward and I wanna hide. When my friends talk about boys, I feel awkward. Sometimes I wish I could relate to them but I can’t. When I hear women talking about how they enjoy relationships with men, I don’t understand. When they say that they’re not attracted to women or many women at all, it doesn’t make sense. Who wouldn’t be attracted to a woman? They’re amazing, beautiful and wonderful human beings and I’d spend the rest of my life with one.

    Even with how I feel about women, I feel like I need to try harder with men. I worry that I dress “too gay” and need to dress more feminine in order to impress them, although I get uncomfortable if a man stares at me too long. I also feel like I need to be available to them. Maybe “Mr. Right” will come along. I’d rather shoot myself in the foot if I ever ended up in a relationship with a man. I know part of this as well is a fear of the uncertainty of the future. I don’t know what’s gonna happen. Maybe I will end up with a man who makes me happy. Maybe I will end up with a woman who makes me feel complete. All I know for the time being is that I want to just be with women. I don’t want this to be another “phase” I go through like the many interests I have. I want this for the long haul. I don’t wanna go back to what I thought I had to do. I wanna continue with what I wanna do.
     
  2. Andrew7

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2020
    Messages:
    73
    Likes Received:
    19
    Location:
    Canterbury, NZ
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    It sounds like your feelings towards woman are pretty strong to me.

    And based on that, it sounds like your feelings are also pretty strong towards men.

    As a bisexual, I find myself much more attracted to guys than woman, (80% guys, 20% woman) so maybe I wouldn't rule out bisexuality entirely. For me, what I feel like can change slightly, the same way it does for the food I desire, but, pretty much always the same split. But since my ratio is much higher for guys, I almost always think of them, but once in a blue moon will still think of woman and this feels natural, it doesn't make me doubt my desires for guys.

    Maybe it's similar for you but you prefer woman a lot more, but still have some natural attraction towards guys, but would happily sacrifice them entirely if it meant losing woman.

    Maybe the thought of not being able to get all those good feelings from a woman turns you off being with a guy. I know I would probably find it hard to spend the rest of my life with a woman since I like guys a lot more, but I still consider myself bisexual. Not saying it's not possible you're a lesbian of course, your attraction to woman sounds intense, in a good way.

    Do you think some of your clouded thoughts are caused by the negative stigma of homosexuality?

    But, I know OCD, and other mental illnesses can certainly complicate things, so maybe take my comments with a grain of salt if you think they are a major factor.
     
    BiWhat likes this.
  3. Omegduh

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 31, 2020
    Messages:
    38
    Likes Received:
    26
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hi Andrew,
    I appreciate your response and feedback. I know that there's a definite possibility that I could be bisexual with a preference or a full on lesbian. And I do believe my thoughts could be clouded by negative stigmas about homosexuality. I have had some nasty things said about being gay my whole life and it really has done a number on me. That's also probably why I have a lot of internalized homophobia I need to unpack. I'm also very afraid of looking full on gay sometimes due to my fear of people seeing me negatively. The word "lesbian" has been used around me as an insult and as a joke. Sometimes I feel as if it's easier to say I am bisexual rather than full on lesbian because I give my family the hope I will end up with a man even though I don't find it to be necessarily fulfilling for myself.
     
  4. Andrew7

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2020
    Messages:
    73
    Likes Received:
    19
    Location:
    Canterbury, NZ
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I can relate, I've had a lot of homophobic experiences which has made me feel bad about myself. Resulting in ignoring my true feelings, and make me pretend to be something I'm not in social situations, which can be easier to do as a bisexual since I could focus on what feelings I could conjure towards the opposite sex.

    But shutting away my feelings towards the same sex because of the stigma is difficult. It's hard to keep ignoring such an important part of yourself, it eats away at you over time.

    I used to think it was easier to call myself a bisexual as well, like some sort of compromise, like, well yeah, I have "those thoughts", but I still have the "normal" ones too. After having more acceptance of myself though, I was able to get to the point where I couldn't be more proud of my feelings. (That's not to say I don't still worry about the judgement of others)

    In the end, I found that there's nothing more normal and natural than listening to the true desires of your heart. It feels great to be able to accept that part of yourself, to work past the internalized homophobia, to get to the point where you can feel 100% proud (or close to) but it can take some time getting there, working through your clouded thoughts. Especially if you're surrounded by homophobic attitudes, either in the past, present or both.

    Thus, I think participating on this forum is a great way to assist in working out your thoughts, it gives a space that doesn't have that negative stigma, lots of positivity and support here.
     
    alwaysforever, BiWhat and BiGemini87 like this.
  5. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,031
    Likes Received:
    3,161
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey I think a lot of these concerns are actually more common than you realise. All of the top ones I definitely suffered with for quite a time when I was first accepting my sexuality and coming out. Regrets and embarrassment for not figuring things out sooner etc etc. It is not easy to deal with.
    To me from what you have said (and of course ultimately only you can know exactly how you feel) I would say you sound gay but that heterosexual interactions dont repluse you and thats ok I dont think it means you should be hanging on for Mr Right, I think its just how it is. Just because you have previously slept with a man and not hated it doesnt mean its what you should be looking for.
    It is especially difficult when you have OCD or other things also going on in the background. Do you have therapy for your OCD?
    I think it sounds like you know you are gay but there is a part of your brain that wishes you were straight because in many ways it is so much easier.
     
    BiGemini87 likes this.
  6. BiGemini87

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2019
    Messages:
    388
    Likes Received:
    241
    Location:
    Petawawa, ON
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    It's difficult to say, mainly because no one can tell you who or what you are; only you can ultimately reach that realization. You could be bisexual with a stronger attraction to women, or you might be a lesbian going through the necessary steps to fully realizing and accepting yourself. I won't pretend to know one way or another, but what I will say is this: I think, only once you're able to put the feelings of shame behind you will you truly know. And that's okay--there's no rush to figure it out, no need to saddle yourself with one label or the other until you're ready. Or at all, if you'd prefer not to.

    Take your time, be patient with yourself, and difficult as it is, try not to overthink it. Let your feelings and thoughts regarding women and men, unobstructed by shame or guilt, run their course. Try not to focus too much on whether you feel that way about men or not, and enjoy what you have with whoever you have it with. If things change, if you ever unexpectedly find yourself drawn to a man, that will probably tell you that you still have the capacity to click with them, even if on a limited basis. If not, revel all the more in your relaxation and enjoyment of and with other women. There is no shame in you are, how you dress, or what you feel. :slight_smile:
     
    #6 BiGemini87, Sep 6, 2020
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2020
  7. LostInDaydreams

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    May 10, 2016
    Messages:
    2,988
    Likes Received:
    1,310
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I’m sorry that you’re going through this. You’re not alone. I was in a relationship with a man when I started questioning my sexuality and had a lot of similar thoughts.

    I second @silverhalo in her suggestion of therapy. If you have internalised homophobia and OCD, then therapy would be the best way forward.

    Be kind to yourself and take care. :slight_smile:
     
    #7 LostInDaydreams, Sep 6, 2020
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2020
    BiWhat and BiGemini87 like this.