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Conflicted about my Gender Identity

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by David320, Mar 31, 2021.

  1. David320

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Hey everyone so I’ve been questioning my gender a lot lately. I’ve realized all the feelings I’ve been ignoring my whole life and I’m starting to worry now that I’m getting older. I feel if I don’t give these feelings enough consideration, I’ll end up having them hit me very strong when I’m older and then I’ll wish I had taken care of everything at a younger age.

    I was born a male, at the age of 4 I specifically remember identifying with females instead of males. I asked myself why wasn’t everyone just born a woman? I remember sitting down one day and thinking about me and my brother, I felt he was my brother and I was like...his sister maybe? I don’t know how to explain it, I knew I was a boy, but I felt like I still was kind of a girl. I had a feeling that I would turn into a girl as I grew older. I remember kind of being jealous of my sister because she was a girl and I wasn’t. I eventually told my parents that I wanted to be like the girl toy I was playing with, but my mom got mad and then my dad screamed and kept telling me I should be like a man. It traumatized me, I felt so ashamed and wrong for it. I suppressed it for a very long time and tried to force myself to like “boy” things. But even when I’d watch superheroes I’d just relate more to the girl characters. I swear in every cartoon or anything I’d watch, I always wanted to be like the girl characters so bad. When I was a little older I would wear this wig and kind of think about if I would look good as a girl. I really wanted to look good as a girl and I remember on Halloween a handful of people thought I was a she and I laughed it off but I secretly liked being called that. When I first heard about transgenders I thought to myself how I would have liked to do that, but the way they were talked about by my family made it seem so weird that I ignored it.

    Here I am now 19, having ignored that any of this mattered so much. I convinced myself that I can live as I am and just accept myself, and I’m better off doing that instead of going through the work of transitioning. As of in my recent years, I’ve noticed how not me I feel when my hair is short. I feel so dissociated and uncomfortable. I feel more comfortable with earrings and longer hair. I also have always wanted to really shave the hair off my body, it makes me feel a little uncomfortable when it’s visible through my clothing. Also, people always have told me that they thought I was gay, bi, or just really feminine. Something else I’ve realized is how I like being dominated during sex, which I guess there’s other men that are into that but it’s kind of rare. Idk, I just want to feel pretty when I’m having sex, and I hate feeling like the man and being called daddy, it doesn’t work for me. Be aware that I’m still attracted to girls, which is actually something else that makes me afraid of all this. It must be weird being trans and lesbian at the same time.

    I don’t really know what to make about all of this, I’ve built a pretty strong identity as who I am, and the thought of letting go of all that and turning into something else feels terrifying. I am afraid though that I’ll wait too long and when I’m older realize I should’ve taken action at a younger age. I can tolerate being a boy right now, as long as I look feminine, I just don’t think I’ll look like a pretty boy when I’m older. What if the dysphoria really hits me then? Then what? I’m so confused and conflicted and this shit is always on my mind and it’s stressing me tf out.
     
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  2. QuietPeace

    Full Member

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    Location:
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    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Welcome to EC.

    So much of what you say sounds very familiar. I also knew that I was really a girl pretty early and my mother reacted as badly as your parents did. After trying to tell them when I was little I buried it for a long time. I finally did come out when I was 23 and started transition. Even with that I had trouble and twice was pushed back into the closet. I only permanently started living as my true self when I was in my mid 40s (though I had remained on hormones most of that time). I do not regret living as a woman though I do regret allowing others to shame me into going back in the closet.

    Once I accepted that I am really a woman not being straight was not really that strange. I thought that I was a lesbian for quite a while but have realized that I am demisexual and panromantic. I have had trouble finding a decent romantic partner, some due to my ASD and other difficulties and some was driven by most people not really respecting that anyone who transitions is really who they say they are. Despite that I have found that living as my true self is worth it.

    I do not feel that I have "turned into" something or anyone else. I have always been female and that has not changed. What has changed is that I now refuse to pretend that I am someone who I have never been (male), despite society trying to insist that I was anything else.

    It does help to transition early because the hormones do work better the earlier they are started and because presenting female in a convincing way requires changes in how one acts and interacts with people. The longer you do it the easier it becomes, therefore starting earlier does make some things easy. That said, I know people who have started in their 50s or even later and they are happy that they did do so. It is never too late so if you need time to be sure go ahead and take that time.

    It is very difficult to live as a transitioned person. Society even in the best places opposes us, sometimes violently (I have had multiple hate crimes against me including an attempted murder which the police only laughed about). I do recommend to people that if they are able to live content within the role of their birth assignment that they really should because of how many difficulties there are in opposing society on this. If though you are going to be far more comfortable if you transition then you should. One way to tell is to start experimenting with it. There is a thread here on EC where you can try out different names and pronouns, if doing so makes you feel a gender euphoria it is a pretty good indication that transition might be helpful. You could come out selectively to people who you feel might be safe and if you also get a euphoria from them gendering you correctly and using the name you choose that is another good indication, it is also a good real life first step. Eventually you would then need to seek out a therapist to help you with letters to proceed with medical transition should you desire that. Good luck.
     
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