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Confessions of a late-twenties idiot

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by Broccoli, Sep 11, 2018.

  1. Broccoli

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    Hello,

    I've been browsing the forum for a couple of weeks and thought I'd share my story. I've come across quite a few posts from people who thought they were straight when they were younger but nobody so far who seems to have totally missed their own smack-you-round-the-face gayness to the extent that I managed to for the first nearly-thirty years of my life. Here goes, and I bet you all roll your eyes at me for missing something that seems unbelievably obvious in retrospect...

    1) From puberty, huge crushes on female teachers and older girls at school. Genuinely no concept of 'fancying' boys or thinking they were 'hot'. Established from talking to my friends who was 'fit' and dutifully agreed. Got outstandingly bored every time we went to watch them play football at breaktimes.

    2) Teenager (maybe 15-16 years old?). Drunk at house party, ended up being kissed by a close female friend (who had a boyfriend and never gave any indication of non-straightness before or since). Walked around for the next two days with a huge smile on my face and spend the rest of the summer attempting to orchestrate similar situations with her, to no avail. Later that summer had first kiss with a guy - spent the whole thing thinking how gross it was.

    3) Managed to go through the whole of university without having sex. Kissed a few guys when drunk but any time they suggested or attempted to instigate any more was repulsed by the thought. Saw first erect penis and was repelled. Thought how weird is was that my friends had posters of 'fit' men on their bedroom walls - whilst googling photos and YouTube videos of various actresses.

    4) Aged 21, university graduate. Assumed I was a naturally independent person and might have a relationship later on in life but currently thought that the idea of sharing my life with a man had no attraction whatsoever. Man bodies still seemed kind of repellent - maybe I was still too immature? I had other things in my life, like doing almost anything in order to be around a female co-worker as much as possible...

    5) Aged 25. Still never been in a relationship or wanted to be (or had sex). Hey, perhaps I am asexual? That would explain things. But I still have a sex drive? Hmm. Did some research on asexuality and decided that maybe I could bend the label to fit myself somehow.

    6) LESS THAN A MONTH AGO. I can't think what triggered the thought... but OMG MAYBE I AM A LESBIAN? It was like a house of cards collapsing and every layer triggering another thought that made sense too. Suddenly the thought of touching and being with another person didn't seem like a weird thing that other people did but made no sense to me - I just had to imagine the other person being female! Crushes on celebrities/friends/colleagues, seeing somebody and wanting to kiss them, everything from my teenage and later life made sense... if I reversed the gender. How can a person be so slow on the uptake?! I had read literature on asexuality, I had gay friends (including those who had come out as gay in the time I had known them), but somehow it hadn't even crossed my mind to ask myself the question as to whether perhaps I just wasn't straight. It's not like I knew it but didn't 'accept' it, at least not at anywhere near a conscious level - as soon as the thought entered my head I realised and acknowledged that it was true and right.

    I feel really stupid, but also feel a great relief that lots of emotions that I thought I was somehow not capable of having I actually can have - just not towards a man. I kind of wish I could have figured it out when I was 15, as now I can understand how my friends felt when they talked about guys. Mostly I feel like a whole world of possibilities have opened up to me - the thought of dating, of living with someone, of sex, of a relationship suddenly feel like things that could be a part of my life rather than things 'for other people but of no interest to me'.

    Anyway, here I am and here it all begins... If anybody else has a similar story I would love to hear how you went from this point!
     
  2. illbehere

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    Hi! Welcome to EC! I can't even imagine what it may have been like to have such a eye opening moment. I don't really have a similar story but I'm just trying to figure out if I am gay or not haha. Feel free to reach out if you ever need something or want to talk!
     
  3. Biguy45

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    Hello and welcome.

    Nothing quite so dramatic, but there were many signs that I was attracted to men as well as women over the years and I managed to ignore and rationalize them. About two years ago I finally admitted to myself that I was bi
     
  4. Broccoli

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    Thanks illbehere. I've got loads of things to think through - it's like I have to start from scratch again and figure out what I want. Even though it seemed so obvious when I realised, I did spend several weeks thinking about it all afterwards (that's when I found this site) in case I was jumping to conclusions. I just kept connecting more loose ends together. Now it's kind of scary that there's a 'gay world' out there that I have never even thought about but seem to have ended up being a part of. I don't really know what to do next - it feels like being an awkward pre-teen again except that everybody else knows the rules!
     
  5. Broccoli

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    Hello Biguy45 and thanks for the welcome. How 'consciously' did you ignore and rationalise those signs - was it something you realised you were doing at the time or only afterwards?
     
  6. Biguy45

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    Theyb
    . They were pretty obvious signs. I wrote them off as experimentation, kinkiness, or I just ignored them altogether. It seems so obvious now looking back. What made it easier to ignore I guess was that I was, and still am, very attracted to women. I didn’t really dwell on my same sex attraction. I was busy with other things. So to speak
     
  7. DragonBoys

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    I actually didn't know that I was attracted to both men and women until about my sophomore year of college, so around age 20. But of course, I wasn't interested in having a relationship when I was a teenager, so I willingly called myself asexual. Yet, again in college, I met someone of the same sex whom I eventually fell in love with and thought "ok I'm ready for a relationship." But it didn't work out and a spent the last year trying to recover from a broken heart and crushed dreams, haha. But long story short, I also found out past my teenaged years that I wasn't straight. I even remember way back in middle school I would say to myself "I'm straight, I'm straight, I'm straight" like that was the actual truth lol. Then again, I did go to Roman Catholic school for like 13 years so even if I knew back then I wasn't straight, it's not exactly a smart idea to come out then, y'know
     
  8. Forlong

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    Hi and welcome
     
  9. illbehere

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    Haha I can only imagine. Well you came to the right place!
     
  10. Laughsalot

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    Hi!

    My name is laughsalot and I am a mid-thirties idiot! lmao! I was smacked around the face with my gayness in my early 30's! I too felt pretty stupid, but sure we are meant to be now and the fun can begin! lol

    Welcome to EC! :slight_smile:
     
  11. Love4Ever

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    I am in my early twenties but I feel like I am finally figuring my sexuality out. I have suspected I was bi for a few years but now I really feel confident in my identity. It doesn't happen all at once. We have people on here who never realized till they were in their forties or fifties even!
     
  12. Biguy45

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    Yes I’m one of those ancient ones. I didn’t fully realize it til I was 45
     
  13. Forlong

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    I’m in my late thirties I’ve always knew I was since I was twelve but denied it and started to believe I wasn’t. Now my eyes are fully open :slight_smile:
     
  14. Broccoli

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    Thanks so much everybody for the welcome and for sharing your stories.

    I love this phrase! Spot-on description of how I feel! :smile:
     
  15. theamos13

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    I started earlier having sex with both I just thought I was gready
     
  16. AlmostFred

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    Hi,
    My story is a bit different and I discoverd myself long before you did, but mine is not as funny as yours :slight_smile:

    Soo I realized I was into women on my summer vacation to Los Angeles. I met there lots of students my age coming from all countries. One night after I pretty ordinary day, I went to bed and had the most enlightening dream ever, I dreamed about this spanish girl, me and her kissing and enjoyed our time together like a real couple. I woke up like and wrote on my journal “shit I may be gay”
     
  17. AlmostFred

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    Uh I forgot to ask...
    Broccoli... how did you come up whit such a name? Just really curious
     
  18. Broccoli

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    Ha, it's funny how we realise these things! It makes it so obvious how much being straight is seen as the default option - I decided there was something wrong with me because I wasn't attracted to guys rather than it even crossing my mind to ask if I was attracted to, y'know, the other 50% of the world's population...!


    I was trying to think up a new name I didn't use anywhere else online that was an aesthetically-pleasing word with pleasant associations for me. I like the vegetable and I think the word flows nicely off the tongue!
     
  19. AlmostFred

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    Yeah it's definitely unique and funny :slight_smile:
    I think the best part of realizing you're gay is looking back at you childhood and saying "that may be the reason why..." and everything just fits perfectly
     
    #19 AlmostFred, Sep 17, 2018
    Last edited: Sep 17, 2018
  20. Broccoli

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    I'm still having more realisations like this - even just in the last couple of days. My mind is idly thinking back over something in the past and I'm like "OF COURSE! THAT MAKES SENSE NOW! IT'S BECAUSE I'M GAY!"