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Confession: I don't like being trans

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Kafei, Apr 26, 2016.

  1. Kafei

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    Most of my trans friends are proud of who they are. They're proud of their gender and how they express themselves. They say they hate it when people think that all transgender people wish they were cis. I understand what they're saying and even agree with it, but they act as if they're better than transpeople who wish they were cis. It's to the point where I'm afraid to even casually mention that I do actually wish I were a cisgender male.

    I understand that transpeople wishing they were cis is a stereotype, but that doesn't mean that none of us fit the stereotype. It's similar to when people claim that masculine gay men are better than feminine gay men since feminine gay men are the stereotype and therefore their existance is "confirming the stereotype" or whatever. It's just not fair.

    I honestly am proud of being trans and proud of myself for coming out and transitioning, but I don't think I can honestly say that I would stay trans if magically given the option to become cis. Even if I lost all my memories of being trans.

    Also, this is all dysphoria. Please stop making me feel like my dysphoria is my own fault because I "don't have enough trans pride" or that I have "internalized transphobia" because it has nothing to do with hating transness and everything to do with having dysphoria.
     
  2. the haunted

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    I feel quite similar to this too. I'm proud of myself for coming out and expressing myself the way I want to.

    I've often thought that if I transition, I will want to live as stealth. This of course gets some backlash from the trans community that says to be proud of who you are. Honestly I am proud, but a lot of my dysphoria is social, so if people knew I was DFAB I would be paranoid about them seeing me as a woman or treating me differently than they would any other guy.

    Certain things that only come with cismanhood like being able to "plant my seed" in someone makes me depressed when I think about how I can't do it and I never will. Not that I have any interest in children right now, but it just feels like a huge chunk of manhood is missing forever.

    So yeah I get what you mean. People who are proud of being trans are no better than people who are not. I just wish I was proud because that seems easier than wishing I was born a cis male.

    But I am thankful for the experience being trans has given me. It has given me a greater appreciation for the women in my life whether it's my mom, girlfriend, friends... I know from first hand experience what society expects of a woman and how fucked it can be.
     
  3. Chip

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    There are transpeople who are totally happy with who they are... and there are also a pretty large contingent that really struggle. Don't let anyone tell you that you just have to accept and be proud of who you are. I think for many, it is something that takes time and a lot of self-work to get to a place of self-love and self-acceptance, and I think many people come to a place of complete self-acceptance without being overtly "proud" of who they are... and there's nothing wrong with that.

    One of the challenges is, even in the "out group" or "subordinate group" of transpeople (i.e, people not in the mainstream, dominant group)... people have the need to create "belonging" if they are insecure with themselves, and often, people do that by finding reasons to exclude others. It's messed up, and it's wrong... but that's pretty basic to an understanding of shame resilience.

    So the best we can do is recognize that, no matter what, some people will judge you. Plenty of judgy people in the world. And so... you just let them judge, and realize that their opinions aren't important. The only people whose opinions should matter are those that YOU have decided matter. Might be family, might not. Might be a partner, or a close friend. Most healthy people's list of "people whose opinions matter" is very short... maybe 3 or 4 people tops.

    There's still a lot to do in gaining mainstream acceptance of transpeople. And I think one of the very first steps is... first owning and being OK with yourself, regardless of what anyone, whether they are cis or trans, thinks.
     
  4. wanderinggirl

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    There's this pressure in queer circles to be the "good" representation of queer: not too sad, full of pride, making everyone else feel good about their identity. Like nobody wants to hear about anyone's struggle until it's over. But like any "good" representation, it's a caricature; almost nobody who is queer (and non-cis) has an exclusively positive journey. It's maybe easy for your friends to forget that.
     
  5. AaronV

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    I'm someone who is rarely proud of something they didn't have a say in. As in, I can be proud of how far I've come in my transition, but I didn't chose to be trans, so I feel like I can't be proud of my identity. (It's fine that other people feel different.)

    Sure, I have made many good experiences and have met a lot of great people because I'm trans, but to be honest, if someone would offer me to live life again as a cis dude, I'd gladly take it.

    If people want to celebrate being trans, be out and proud, that's cool and I'm really happy for them, but I don't think I could do that. That doesn't mean I hate being trans, I just feel pretty neutral at this point, maybe it'll be different in the future.
     
  6. anthracite

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    Honestly I would prefer to be cis, well a cis man :grin: And one day I will transition and then live stealth like the normal guy I was always supposed to be.
     
  7. SillyGoose

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    It's probably best to be proud of achievements rather than identity...
    You should be proud of being out of the closet or being who you are :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  8. baconpox

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    I hate being trans. Most trans people do, and there's nothing wrong with that.
     
  9. Mihael

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    I have nothing against being trans and don't wish I was someone different, but it's unnecesarily hard to be trans. Life would be so much easier if I felt like a woman. I wouldn't have all those social issues, others wouldn't mistake me for someone else, i wouldn't mistake myself for someone else... Eveything would work nice and smooth, I would have normal adolescence. It's a hardship I could do without.

    I wish I could feel like a woman, but all I encounter in a place where there was supposed to be feeling - is a 404 Not Found. It hurts. A lot. It's like you want to call a friend and then remember this friend is dead and you won't ever be able to talk to them again, because they are not here any more. Forever gone. But sometimes you need to let go. Life goes on. And gives rise to new things that maybe will not bring the old friend back to life, but can bring happiness and fulfilment too.

    I don't like complaining though, it makes me feel hopeless. And that's the worst kind of feeling for me. I think abput it like this: who am I? I am who I am, I am a sum of experiences, I am a consciousness that emerged in this piece of hardware (oh yeah, techie here :wink:). That is what I call "me". If I was born cis, it would not be me any more. This me is the only me to exist. Other mes are not me, therefore I am immensely happy I had the chance to have been born at all, at the expense of many other sums of biology and experience that could fill in that space. Even if this life has kicked my ass. I want to be out and proud as trans one day when I accomplish something, so that other trans people have it easier in the future.
     
    #9 Mihael, Apr 27, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 27, 2016
  10. Irisviel

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    Imagine the "shortsighted" community being proud of wearing eyeglasses and bashing on contact lenses users. Ridiculous, isn't it? And that's how I view the silly standards within the trans community.

    Want to wear your eyeglasses as a badge of honour for being short sighted, yay! But don't force me to be proud of a hindeeance to my daily life.

    And yes, to me being trans is analog to being short sighted, where the ability to wear contacts equates to passing (some people are so bad sighted glasses are the only option, some people don't want contact lenses = don't want to pass).

    Btw, I'm short sighted and "stealth" about it. Simply my eyes are good enough to not be a major problem. And I wish I had better eyes.

    That doesn't mean I'm going to cry about it, I accept the need to wear glasses/lenses and I'm ok with it. Acceptance is something healthy, but it doesn't mean one can't have the awareness that it would be better to not have a given condition.

    I can fix my eyes with an expensive surgery, I can also turn my d*k into a vagina for a lot of money. For now I need to accept putting on the glasses, and tucking. Both are some sort of an incovenience. Being trans is an inconvenience at the very least.


    Sometimes it feels like some non binary people try to get everyone to their standard, just like some bisexuals (and I'm bisexual) try to invalidate monosexuals by the "everyone's sexuality is fluid" bs. That also seems to be a bit of a problem.

    Pass or dont, love your transness or not, and please leave stealth or cis-wishing people be.
     
  11. thepandaboss

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    I actually feel much the same way. I think it's great and all that we're working towards reducing the stigma formerly associated with being out and proud as transgender. But we also need to acknowledge that for a lot of us, being transgender is a source of pain. I mean, if I had a choice I wouldn't be transgender at all. I wish I was born right- and for me that means being a cis male. Dysphoria isn't empowering. Dysphoria isn't fun. The first time I ever fantasized about suicide, I was 12 and starting puberty. I want to feel right. My body's wrong and it's been hell.

    I would've avoided a lot of stress, a lot of heartache. (Plus, a lot of cash). We should never be ashamed of being transgender. But we don't need to look down on people who don't always view being transgender as a gift.
     
  12. Systems

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    I agree. When we push back against stereotypes, we often end up stigmatizing people who fit them. It's just not fair. I do some of this myself, and I try to catch myself and not do it. It's great when I hear people speak out against this, but you shouldn't have to do that.

    There's no wrong way to feel. About being trans, or any part of your identity, or about anything.

    And I wonder if you would consider yourself cis if you could change anything and everything about your body? I think I'd still consider myself trans even if I could completely undo the wrong puberty, change my chromosomes, and genitals. Only the first one of those interests me, though. I feel that since I was assigned male at birth and identify as female, I'm inherently trans and nothing that happens after my birth can change that, even if future medical technology lets me become completely identical to a cis woman. Other people feel differently.

    I'm sorry if I or any other trans person blamed you for your dysphoria. I don't think dysphoria is anyone's own fault. I also have a lot of dysphoria. And this is despite me being proud to be trans.

    And to comment on the overall topic, I have mixed feelings about being trans. Because I'm trans, society has fucked me up to the point where I constantly wonder whether living is worth it. I blame this on society, though, not me being trans. If society had been less horrible to me, I would have lived my whole life openly female, and I would not have gone through the wrong puberty, and I would look completely female, and I wouldn't have dysphoria, and I wouldn't deal with so much direct transphobia.

    To me, being trans is good until society steps in and oppresses the shit out of me. If I could start over as cis, I don't know what I would do. I would end up completely different. Probably less miserable. But would it even be me? Wouldn't that be practically suicide and then a direct descendent comes in?
     
  13. Mr Spock

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    I don't prefer being trans, but I feel as though being born female kept me safe from my dad, and maybe now that I'm older it's not an issue any more. I like to think of it as God keeping me safe, or maybe some lucky survival skill
     
  14. darkcomesoon

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    When my dysphoria isn't so bad, I don't hate being trans. I'd rather have been born a cis guy, but it's shaped my whole life, and not only in bad ways. When my dysphoria is bad, I wish I could just become cis. I would do anything to just be able to live as a normal cis guy in a normal cis body and not have to be dysphoric.

    A lot of mainstream trans politics focuses so much on supporting people who don't fit typical trans stereotypes (e.g. people who like being trans, people who have non-normative gender expressions) that they end up throwing people who do fit the stereotypes under the bus. People who don't like being trans are demonized. People whose gender expression lines up with stereotypes or who want to pass as cis are accused of being cisnormative. I'm supportive of people who don't hate being trans, but I'm also really supportive of people who do. Dysphoria sucks. Hating it doesn't mean you have internalized transphobia.
     
  15. Rachyl

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    Most of the time I don't mind being trans, and yet there are times when I wish I could go back in time and live my life as the woman I have always been. Plus the ability to carry a child full term, and to be a mom in that way does make me wish I wasn't trans.
     
  16. Invidia

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    I've always, always wished that I could have been born AFAB. I'm not proud of being this 'special' girl, I very much wish I was just a normal girl. And I think that's okay.
     
  17. Lazuri

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    There's nothing fun about being trans. I'd love to be a cis female, but I'd settle with being a cis male. Anything but trans, really. That doesn't mean I'm ashamed of what I am, it's just a bunch of suffering I could have gone without.
     
  18. Michael

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    Yup...

    I believe there are worse things than being trans. Or at least I try to keep this belief alive.

    Way worse things...
     
  19. Kasey

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    No one can tell you how to feel. There is no right way to be transgender. There is being you.