confessed deep feelings to guy ive loved for years, now suffering

Gay male 29 , the other is same and my age to..

Hi guys, welp there is a lot to say about this, my mental health today is in a really bad place so id like to talk to someone here about this, please leave yr honest thoughts about this other guys behaviour.. i wrote this back in february , time when it happened, and fundamentally feel like absolute crap, last night i didnt even sleep till 6am stressed at the thought of this guys rejection of me, of him mocking me ,me seeing on social media him constantly living the high life abroad with his partner , their families all happy social liking, hearting each others stuff, when i know his mother to be an evil arrogant cruel woman (wont get into that), in the words of my sister "just think , at least you dont have a mother in law like her and if she is dodgy and he ghosted you, he surely will have some of that in him" ... no different to his friends that bullied me. But those people never suffer , he will never suffer or have any type of difficulty in life. in fact he is super priveleged (not why i have feelings for him, i now feel sick whenever i think of him cause i feel i pieced his true nature together towards me)

Sp basically i moved from a large country to a small town in another when i was a preteen and i wrnt through reallly bad messed up bullying for being really quiet which was cause of being uncomfortable around conseevative, abrupt people, not all but the large majority, when they found out i was gay ohh that was the icing on the cake to amplify my abuse...this guy is close friends with many of my abusers, though i dont recall him doing anything himself, he nust if heard of me for sure, my name was spread along with vile lies like wildfire, i was the perfect punching bag. Sad thing, i really liked him, he seemed really nice, cultured, he did one of those erasmus exchange programs, where he lived i think half a year in the states, im not american but im from a diff culture and so i remember seeing him and thought, he'd probably like talking to me ..oh mother*** how wrong i was... may i add the strange thing when peoole of another country would just blurp out phrases in my native tongue, thought my culture waa cool, but me who was from that place was rejected and mistreated, kinda like blackphising id say...

Fastforward 12 or so years, some old friends mentioned his name and i thought to look him up on social media to see what he looks like now, never thought deep down he could be gay like me, when i saw on his insta that he is in a relationship with another man, i physically wanted to throw up...i felt what i can only describe as a manic volcano of spinning emotions, i was so angry i wanted to cry, to punch something, i wanted vomit, i felt cheated, how he was super popular and incredibly privileged , and i was treated like shit...this in feb

Well i made an anon instag profile to pretty respectfully reach out (meaning I assured the person i knew it was a pretty odd and bold thing to do, just msg them like that, and didn’t wanna freak them out or make them uncomfortable) to confess how i had my feelings for him guys years ago and having seen his profile knowing he is gay, i regret never having done what i wanted to then, speak to him, i said we could have been friends , maybe id be in the position yr bf is, or you not even like me, but i'll never know...

So he responded to the message request, though he was caught off guard, cause before accepting it, i just post "hey ---his name, how r u?" Then the rest.. i did it all anonymously and explained to him it was because of initial fear of ridicule, as i had unlike him, dealt with discrimination and lost friends over my identity (all true), at first the guys responses seemed somewhat politically correct, as if he seemingly empathized on the surface, saying things like "the feelings/thoughts you had are normal when people are younger and in school, coming out us a personal thing blah blah, when i come out pretty much everyone was fine with it, but if anyone had an issue i wouldnt care, i will always put my life and happiness first, what i will say is if you need any support from me you can count on it"

i believe that was his initial message because he thought i was a friend or something, and btw as i responded more, he took a few hours after seeing each msg throughout that day to respond.

I mentioned how if he indeed was gay as it seemed, i wished him and his partner well knowing in his life things could only ever go well for him, he always seemed happy and in peace, and asked he not show anyone as what im typing seems strange as hell but i have no bad intentions at all, he said he was curious to know who i was, but understood and that i wouldnt have to worry, he wouldnt reveal my identity if i told him.

Then i said how i knew him from seeing him in school, always sensing something about him i couldnt put my finger on, and that fear held me back, that for context something i hoped would aliviate him a bit is i wasnt a friend , in fact we never spoke, but were in the same places and thst i wanted to reveal myself one but anxiety is a tough thing. He responded saying his motto in life was "just go for it" and again, and that he was curious to know who i am but understood if i didnt wanna, and reinforced how regardless of who i was, he wouldnt expose me....

Earlier before his last message That afternoon, i had told him i was shocked with his behaviour and thanked him for his kindness and maturity...well after that day the ABSOLUTE WORSE happened...

So i woke up the following morning and insta had deactivated the account, i went on another i had, with a cringey "let the universe decide" username to message him saying "hey its me from the other day, i just logged in and stupid insta deactivated my account well if yr still curious/interested in chatting we can talk through his old one i got, i'll let the universe decide" ....he never accepted or responded to that message request...

A few days later i used that acc to heart some of his pics and stories (just like 2 or 3 to get his attention, but nothing) waited 2 weeks, then left a comment on one of his pics saying "hi, hope yr well, did you see my message? " left it up for 11 hours before removing it and deleting my account cause i felt humiliated, i felt he said all these nice things only to stab my feelings in the back by not even as much as a "hey, im prefer not talking anymore" ...and honestly i feel he somehow deducted who i am and that was why he chose to cease conversation, i was a bit confused why he didnt just block me then, but ... i feel beyond hurt and embarrassed...it would have meant the world his kindness, his friendship even if just online and in moments, his support as a human being , but once again i was rejected and i am almost sure he mocked it or thought "oh it was that weird freak"..i am not a freak...

Since him and mostly his happy go lucky boyfriend continues to post about their travels around the world, he is a vet, his pic and name is on the company he works fors website, but looking at social media he seemingly never seems to be working ..lol, gotta love the irony of fate. Him and his boyfriend recently bought a house together, his bf posts about them going out, partying, drinking, their families meeting , them dining at friends, constantky like every few days...whilst i am a joke to people like them. There, thats my rainbow for you

What id like is for someone to guess what exactly was/is going through his brain... i was so upset i told my sister (someone who like my love interest, was super popular, academically successful etc) and she said "i honestly think he has no idea who you are, and he isn't mocking you, he doesnt think about you, he has his own life, he is happy with his partner, he is fulfilled, so some anono person messaging him would be far down on his list of interests"

Still doesnt explain why he stoppes speaking etc? I just really need to talk about this please. Also i believe my sister was being nice, he must know its the gay guy everyone loved mocking , heck even by the travel pic captions i publically post on that instagram, its like as soon as i typed in my language, boom. Cut communication

 

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Hi there David!

Thank you very much for responding, and posting this. I want to start off by apologizing if in anyway me posting straight here instead of making a welcome post was annoying, it truly was not my intention at all, internally i just have this huge necessity to "let it out" and vent cause of how it physically stressed me, saddens me and hurts, and so online is the only place. Mostly due to anxiety of putting myself straight out there, i didn't make an introduction post, it's really a me thing, and although i do believe most people here are likely very wise, understanding and open minded, it's truly a me thing within myself that i just don't feel ok, and past experiences and the small conservative town i'm sadly forced to live in, have shaped my perceptions in such a way, that even therapy can't help, there is just so much pain i try to conceal in my day to day and fake to not explode and just wanna break stuff when someone in mean to me on purpose or mentions my sexuality, my identity, gender expression, hobbies, whatever... But enough of that.
The other reason i didn't make an introductory post, was because i used to use emptyclosets many moons ago when i was in school, i couldnt remember my password for the life of me, and as it's been so long, i just decided to start new, i had no idea what username to go for, many with sad connotations came to mind, but ultimately since i like drawings of the sun and my favourite number is 4, i just went with that, there is a sun somewhere inside me, it rarely manifests around others, mostly when i am alone just listening to music etc, escapism has been my only joy in life, i feel like an absolute failure and in truth, having given up on myself many times, having never experienced love and all the slaps in the face life has given me, a degree that is worth nothing, unemployed, mocked and humiliated, even was bullying by other LGBT people, i just don't feel i have a place on this earth, and i know it's a big one, i know there are good people, i assume many are on emptyclosets, but the world is just not for me, the internet at least has some spaces and i'm at least humble for those.

That said, thank you once more for taking the time out of your day to respond to me, i appreciate it and wish you, the team, and all members here, well. And i am truly so sorry for any suffering anyone here has too, it's a very unfair existence at times being a human, there are good things, we should be happy we are breathing and not locked up in jail cells right? well i dunno, some mind me internal cells. either way, thank you.