I’m trying to not have a panic attack at the moment. Just left my friends how... we been hooking up last two months. I always insist on condoms. He has said he just got tested, I should get tested so we can go bare. I’m not anti bareback like a lot of people but I am a condoms is a must for all causal encounters and fwb is a causal encounter. So we just finished and I’m not gonna be graphic but I notice something that should not be, when I reach back I felt the condom still in me. It came off... he said after we finished... but I’m on the edge of full freak out mode!!!!
If the condom was still in you, then I'm not clear where the problem is, as it sounds like it probably came off as he pulled out. This assumes that you can actually trust him and he didn't take it off and then just stick it there. (The fact that he says he just got tested would make me wonder if he did do this intentionally. If he did... that would be an immediate relationship-ender for me.) But let's take worst case scenario, that the entire encounter happened without the condom, and that he ejaculated inside you. First, you have no reason to believe he is HIV+, correct? He just got tested (assuming that's true.) And thus, the risk from someone recently tested, on a one-time encounter, is pretty low. So I understand why you're upset, but I think if you look at it logically, you'll see why, logically speaking, your risk is pretty low. Now... onto the whole "I should get tested so we can go bare" thing. Just... no. I would not advise it under any circumstances. First, there are a number of other things other than HIV that can be inconvenient and annoying from not using condoms. Second, condoms don't mean "I don't trust you". What they mean is "We love each other enough to ensure that if one of us has a transgression, and does something unsafe (say, cheating) that we're afraid to tell our partner about, we won't risk our partner's health by having to worry about not telling him." If you always use condoms, then you never put your partner at risk (and vice-versa.) People lie, especially about stuff like that. A good friend of mine, who was generally super conscientious, got talked into going bareback with his long-term boyfriend. The boyfriend cheated and got HIV, and gave it to my friend. Neither of them knew until my friend got tested. Now, he's on daily HIV medications probably for life. Not worth it.
That’s the thing... he has been admit about going bareback since we started booking up about a month and half ago. He’s suggested doing things that I know is just to lead to it and I’ve said no, or I’m not stupid we aren’t doing bb. That’s why I’m nervous. When I pulled the condom out it was in me pretty far not just the end and I lookEd and couldn’t tell if he ejaculated in the condom or if it was all on the outside of it... that’s another reason I’m kinda nervous about it. Also there was a change in the way he acted towards the end of the encounter. I commented on it during... because it was a way he had never been and I was surprised... I’m not running out to get tested... no point... it is what it is. This is more a I’m sitting in the parking lot of Walgreens crying a minute post and need to say something before I go crazy than anything. I’m good now.
I'm so sorry you had to experience this. It fucking sucks. But to be honest, from what you describe, it seems fairly likely he just pulled the condom off. If it was in you pretty far, there's no way it just randomly came off without his noticing. And I'm sorry, but I have absolutely -zero- compassion for assholes who do shit like that. I can't tell you what to do, but if I were in your shoes, I'd be completely done, and would never see the person again. I might tell him how I felt, but under no circumstances would I ever hang out with him. The problem with assholes like this is, they lie about the condom coming off... and they also lie about their status, recent tests, and so forth. They literally don't give a fuck about anyone other than themselves. The good news is, the risk of transmission from a single encounter is pretty low. And getting tested tomorrow isn't going to do any good. If you do want to get tested -- and I would -- you can get the PCR test that is accurate at about 12-15 days, but it's expensive. The antibody test is about 95% accurate at 30+ days.
Part of me thinks I’m being ridiculous and dramatic but I think that part is the one who kinda likes having this guy around... it’s been a few weeks of a friend kinda thing. The other part has replayed it over in my head... he had the opportunity to slide it down before the change in his manner happened and the after math didn’t feel as if he had the condom on when he finished... it as almost all the way in still and it just doesn’t make sense... I am super upset about this all around honestly... It’s time for another check up so I’ll go in next week or so which would be good for everything else I guess and I’ll follow up again in month. That’s what I did last time it happened.
Honestly, if the condom was still inside you, I think it was probably there the whole time. It doesn't make sense to me that he would have barebacked you, only to insert the condom after he ejaculated. I really think you would have sussed out what he was doing. Also, if he has barebacked and cum inside you the evidence may well be there during your next toilet visit. In many cases what goes up, passes back out. Not saying this is an absolute cert, but it's true in many cases, so do check when you go to the toilet. I understand how the anxiety is firing all of your thoughts and fears right now, but try to let them pass. By all means, book a test to be certain and do stand your ground about condom use. If this friend is pressurising you to bareback when you have already said no, then you should probably reconsider the friendship and have a good time with someone who understands and accepts your boundaries.
I think he slipped the condom off in me during and continued... then when it was over part a little bit came out with him... I was up a lot last night thinking about it... after posting yesterday I talked with another friend who really calmed me down a bit.... they know the guy and think while it may have been an accident and come off like he said, it was as likely if not more that he slid it down enough he could get it off during when he (sorry I don’t wanna be too graphic but no other way to say this) pulled out of me towards the end and then went back in. I actually thought he was gonna wanna finish out cause he does sometimes but he said no he wanted to go back and then when he did, like I said, he was “behaving” very differently than he ever had before. As for evidence.... wouldn’t that have all been what happened while I was standing there that made me realized their was a problem? And then when I pulled the condom out even more so afterwards... I have a habit of always reaching to remove it from the guy to make sure they didn’t mess with it because of what happened a few years ago, and then tie it and toss it. When this happened it appeared like all the evidence was just along the outside and nothing on the in... it has happened. It’s over. I’ll talk with the guy again I’m sure, I mean he messaged me right after I left which he never does and I told him I kinda freaked about the condom thing. I feel like he will message me soon. And maybe even tell me if he did go bare... he will say it was an accident but he couldn’t stop because we were there and I know how he feels about me he’s already told me and asked how I’d feel if he told me he loved me... so he didn’t think it would be a big deal since it’s just us. But it’s not just us. We are fwb! I made that clear! I even said that yesterday when he said the L word and he played it off saying “I mean I love what we do so no matter where life takes us I wanna to always be able to come back for old times sake.” It was a red flag and I shouldn’t have went! I knew that... but I didn’t think he’d try and “lay claim to me” this way... but he’s used that exact phrase before in reference to something like this... when I said that’s crazy you can’t do that to people he said I know I’m joking I’d never do it with permission. So I am a dumb ass clearly... I’m expecting to see a message again with it in it regarding what happened... Yup I’m an idiot and totally see how this is on me. I broke several rules of mine. Don’t hook up with guys who push for bareback, don’t continue a fwb when either person catches feelings bad things happen, and if you get a bad feeling about someone based on something they say like they gonna mark you in a way that you say not to run and don’t go back... So what happened yesterday was my fault for ignoring all the bs before... even tried to rationalize it and make excuses and actually posted in hopes for reassurance of it being an accident. But then I talked to my friend explained the full story and realized how stupid it was to try and pretend it was an accident. So it back fired on me...
Hey @I'mStillStanding I'm sorry to hear that you are having to stress about this. I wouldn't blame yourself too much here. Unfortunately, I think this happens more than we care to admit. Guys can be real dicks sometimes. Have you considered PREP? I know that it is expensive, but a lot of insurance companies find ways to make it work so you can get the meds at little cost. Still, using a condom is a good idea regardless. And, I've heard that guys on PREP sometimes think they have a free ride. So, it is not a cure all for bad behavior. I had a similar experience except I was topping. The guy and I had been together a lot. Over the course of six months we were, in theory, the only "side action" either of us was getting. He had a partner and I was married. His partner was supposed to know about it. One time, I was using a condom and we took a break. He pulled the condom off and and got back on because it "felt so much better". In the heat of the moment, I didn't say no...it happened so fast. I stopped pretty quick but the bottom line is that I had unprotected sex. A couple days later he tells me he hooked up with a guy from out of town but swore he used a condom. Turns out he was lying about his partner too. Of course I broke off everything with the guy and went on a two month hiatus from any intimacy with anyone until I was convinced I was "clean" after testing for everything. The odds are in your favor that you didn't get HIV from this. So, worrying too much is not gonna do any good. But, be careful if you are hooking up right now and let any guys know what happened. We all deserve to know what our sexual partners are up to. You cannot keep guys from lying about shit like this. So, you have to really protect yourself. Hang in there man.
I’m just keeping it moving. I mean randomly today I’ve gotten frustrated but like I said it is what it is. I’m not too stressed about getting something, I mean I know it’s a risk but for some reason I don’t think he has anything I do believe he was honest about his status. Def gonna do the testing and all. I tried hard to find a doctor to give me prep when I had insurance and could not find one... now I think I got a doc and hopefully next month will be the month the price goes down drastically with the loss of patent and I’ll be able to get it. Yea it doesn’t feel that much better ♂️ I mean from a bottoms perspective. If the top guy is using the right condom and lube it really doesn’t... So that guy you described I’d don’t get at all?!
@I'mStillStanding Where I am, you can contact the CDC or the State Health Department for information on receiving a coupon for limited cost PREP. In my case, I have an ACA plan being self employed so the cost was going to be very high. But, it turns out that there are ways around the deductibles. At least where I am. So, you may qualify even without insurance and they may be able to connect you with a health care provider who can prescribe PREP. I ended up not getting on PREP. My FWB and I are exclusive and I do trust him and we practice safe sex anyway. So, I decided that it wasn't right for me. If I ever end up doing the hookup scene again (unlikely), I will get on PREP for peace of mind. I don't know why this guy decided to go bare. We had never discussed it as a possibility before the "incident". I think it, mostly, had to do with the "hassle" of interrupting things to put a condom back on. Without appearing to lecture too much...30 seconds to be careful could have kept me from worrying for 30 days. The math supports being safe...
I wouldn't lose any sleep over it since he said he was recently tested. So, it's extremely unlikely that you were exposed. However, it'd be a good idea to get a test just in case. Also, I think going unprotected is still a bad idea, even if you've both been tested.There's always the risk that he (or anyone) is doing things sexually that they're not telling you about. Unfortunately, you really can never really know for sure who anyone has been with, and some people are far less cautious than they should be. As for PREP, it definitely does lower your risk. However, it's also not foolproof. It is still possible to catch HIV while on it. However, the risk is much lower than it would be otherwise. Also, if he slipped off the condom during sex, that's a really shitty move on his part. Personally, I wouldn't want to be with anybody who didn't respect my wishes like that.
Funny you say lose sleep. I did... but only playing it over in my head. There’s one detail I can’t remember completely and it the one I need. So I it bothered me last night. I’m not stressing about the testing and all. Just that he would might have done this. As the night went on I’ve felt more and more confident he did. That made me more upset cause while I don’t wanna a relationship I did like the guy and our time together... and it’s just shitty! Ironically condoms are reportedly only effective like between 60% to 70% of the time with anal sex... so prep is way better when used correctly! Though condoms are still needed with other stuff it would be nice to have a safety net,
I’m gonna check around! Someone recommended me order online from over seas... but like I said next month we get the generic options so hopefully that’s gonna make it actually possible. That literally makes no sense to me... I keep extra condoms on hand in case I gotta slip a new one on because they are easier to put on than one that’s come off for what ever reason... it takes a few seconds like you say ♂️
I don't think you need to look at overseas options for PREP. In fact, I wouldn't do it. PREP is not a drug without side effects. You really should take it only with careful consideration under the care of a health care provider. That said, some Docs are just uncomfortable about prescribing it. It is OK to check around with public health officials to find out what resources are available in your area. It sounds like you are super careful. That is really commendable and it is doubly discouraging that your friend either wasn't as concerned or was outright ignoring your wishes. Are you planning on talking to him about this?
You’re right about the health provider... I mean I’ve waited this long I can hold out a few more weeks for sure. He messaged right after I left which he never does. I told him I was freaked out about the condom and he said the tip got caught and was on the entire time but either way I’m safe cause he’s clean... but the entire condom was in me nearly... like just small bit was out that’s why I didn’t believe him. I’m waiting to hear from him again and see if he says anything about it. I feel like he will own up to it, cause he’s said before, “what would you do if just took it off?” And stuff like that. So I’m not sure what I’m gonna say if he does say something...
I think you should talk to him about what happened. If he did take it off, he'd probably deny it. So, you may never really know for sure. However, talking to him would send the message that you don't accept that sort of behavior. Otherwise, if he did that, he'll think you didn't notice or care. And you might start seeing more of this type of behavior from him. Definitely don't order medications off the internet/overseas like that. Medications from "online pharmacies" that don't require a prescription can be something entirely different than what you think you're getting, which might make it ineffective or even dangerous. Also, as another poster said, prep is not without side effects. In fact, it's actually a small dose of the medications that are used to treat HIV/AIDS, which are extremely powerful drugs. So, you really need to talk to a doctor to be able to know if the benefits would outweigh the risks in your situation. Given that you're pretty careful about this, which is a very good thing, your doctor may or may not think you need it. Definitely mention it at your appointment but leave it up to the doctor to determine if you're at high enough risk for the benefits to outweigh the risks/side effects.
"What would you do if I just took it off"... that phrase alone, I would have been "Hey, I'm done. The fact you'd even ask that question means you don't give a fuck. Bye." You deserve better. This dude is manipulative and likely a lying sack of shit. Kick this asswipe to the curb. As for PrEP, if you're going to be hooking up or otherwise having sexual interactions with questionable people, then I'd consider it. But DO NOT use it as an excuse to avoid condoms. PrEP does have side effects and you risk liver and kidney damage from taking it in the long term, so I would think carefully about it before going on it.
I’m waiting on him to reach out to me again... when he did last I told him I was freaked out about it but we will see. I’ve waited for a while I am gonna hold out to next month and hop the generics are a reasonable option for me... we will see.
He has said it several ways I always just brush it off as him joking around... and he def not serious relationship material. But it’s been nice having some contact the last couple months so I’ve totally let things slide for sure... Yea I want prep as a safety net. For this kinda thing and the fact that condoms are not as effective as prep for hiv... but prep doesn’t stop the other stuff so they still are def required ♂️ again at least for causal encounters. I may change my mind in a relationship (I totally respect your stance on this, my doctor has same one and has even introduced me to a guy who had the same thing happen to him as your friend) but we will cross that bridge when I get there.
