Concerned about my 13 year old Son

I'm so sorry that you're relatives are not supportive of this. I would try and find an LGBT support group that can help you with this. Or a therapist that specializes in that area? I don't know what else to say? The main thing is to support your son as you already know and are doing that. If your family can't come around I would focus and surround yourself with people that do support you. Friends are the family that you choose to have. If there are family members that do support you keep an open communication with them. In time maybe some of the others will come around. Try not to spend every waking moment focusing on this. Go about your life and give your son all the unconditional love and support you always have. Hopefully some more people will comment with more ideas and strategies. Good Luck!!!

 

Hello Eini! Welcome to EC!

Thanks for being such a supportive mother of an LGBTQ child!

As I'm sure that you understand, if your son took the extraordinary step of Coming Out to you, he is sure enough of his sexuality to know that he's not straight and since he chose to identify as Gay, that is most likely what he is. However, only he can ever actually KNOW his own sexuality and everyone else just has to take him at face value when he chooses to express it. Many of us (straight and LGBTQ alike) really only start to understand our sexuality around puberty, which most often occurs around age 13. I can tell you that from my own experience, I knew very well during my 13th year of life that I was other-than-heterosexual. It still took me a long time after that to understand and accept my actual sexuality, but that was mainly because of a serious lack of available information - I just thought that I was some kind of unique freak who was attracted to both guys and gals because I never even heard the term 'bisexual' when I was growing up through my formative teenage years.

I think that it is very sad that many of your relatives are so closed-minded. I know that you would like to think that Finland is an open-minded country when it comes to individual sexuality, but there are other people here on EC from Finland who face/have faced discrimination from their families for their LGBTQ reality.

Perhaps to start to overcome the issue that your immediate family has with your relatives, you could start to educate them on the realities of sexuality. For example, there is a really good pamphlet from the PFLAG organization in the US that you could download and print for them - and, as necessary, perhaps translate for them. It's called Our Children.

Beyond that, I would suggest that you just continue to treat your son's sexuality and dating preferences as completely normal. That should at least give him some immediate comfort. And whenever you do that in front of 'disapproving' relatives, it should give them some thought. Unfortunately, perhaps the only way that you will be (hopefully) able to bring some of your relatives around to a common understanding of treating your son decently, if not openly lovingly, may entail cutting them off from contact with your immediate family. I know how important family is in Finland and, of course, it will hurt you to do so, but if the long-term results are positive for your son and, hopefully, result in your relatives understanding and full acceptance of your son for who he truly is, then it would be worth the pain, don't you think?

Just some thoughts.

 

Hey Eini,

I don't think that taking your son to a psychologist/therapist is a bad idea at all. Assuming, as you said, that he would be willing to go. After all, you're his mom and there are certainly things that he feels (and probably will always feel) awkward/uncomfortable talking about with you. I was thinking of suggesting that in my last post, but it seems that you have a VERY clear handle/understanding of the situation.

From an LGBTQ-centric standpoint, nothing that you've described about your interactions with your son nor your concerns and thoughts for his future seem other than on-track and extremely understanding (especially for a parent who doesn't have previous experience with an LGBTQ child).

My personal advice would be that you take your cues from him, as you seem to be. Of course, he's only 13. Barely a teenager, and, as I'm sure your aware from your own personal upbringing, as we grow as teens more often than not we tend to grow away from our parents. Now, I'm not saying that that will be the case with your son - especially since you've created such an open and understanding environment in your family to allow him to Come Out to you about such a personal and private thing as his sexuality at such a young age. But, as I'm sure you know, rebellion against parents is a common teenage thing - as he grows older.

There is one other specific thing that I would like to address with you, which you didn't ask about and may not want to hear. That is sex. Very few schools on this planet teach sex beyond the basics of heterosexuality and protection against unwanted/unintended pregnancy. So I would point you to the resources on this website that describe having safe gay sex and, perhaps, you may want to direct your son to this website in the near future if he has other specific questions about gay sex.

http://emptyclosets.com/home/pages/resources/health.php

I hope that helps.

 

Showing that you're not okay with their reactions might be beneficial in the long run, as your son would know that you don't only talk the talk you also walk the walk. It's one thing to say that you're okay, but it's a completely different thing to take a stand and demonstrate that you're categorically against their behavior towards your son.

And dating at that age is useful since relationship skills don't magically fall down from the heavens, they are learned at an early age and mostly stay with us for the rest of our lives. Think about how you could be his mentor and support person through his teenage years. Maybe there are even some parent-(lgbt)children relationship lectures, seminars, etc. in Finland, where you'd better inform yourself about the general problems and issues that lgbt children face while growing up and how you as a parent could be of an assistance.