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Complicated and Scary

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by TryingAtLeast, Jun 14, 2021.

  1. TryingAtLeast

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    Hello everyone,

    I could use a listening ear. I’m 28 years old. My life has been absolute hell up until now. The death of a parent and witnessing domestic violence took a lot out of my teenage years. In 2015, I had a mental breakdown and was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Life has been hard over the last six years. I drove off all of my old friends over the years. I’ve had long spells of unemployment, and have had to postpone dreams and goals. While it is very very difficult to recover from scz, I am at a place in which I am better and am trying to rebuild my life. It feels like an uphill battle. I recently started school and will be starting a job in August. However I am very lonely and have no close friends, so most of my thoughts are locked in my head. I live at home with my mother so I feel like a loser.

    about a year ago, I met a guy on a dating app. I let him know that I’m looking for a place to belong in the world. He introduced me to his friends, whom I’ve been hanging out with since August every now and then. While I feel like I have developed some semblance of friendships, I am very shy in front of them. Additionally, me and the guy (who introduced me to his friends) started having sexual relations. This is what concerns me: While I am happy to have people to hang out with to ease the sting of loneliness, I have a fear that if it doesn’t work out in some way between me and him, I’ll lose him and the friendships I’m trying to build. If I accidentally say something wrong or offensive, I may anger someone in the friend group and lose both friends and him. He told me we are just friends, but I really really want to be more than that. And I’m scared of bringing up the issue because if I scare him away, I lose friends too. I’m 390 lbs, so meeting someone who thinks I’m good looking is rare, very rare.

    im sorry if this sounds like a fucked up situation on my part. I just don’t want to go back to a place in which it’s just me, all by myself.

    Thank you for listening.any thoughts appreciated.
     
  2. PatrickUK

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    You have been through a lot and you have done well (very well) to turn things around. The death of a parent and scars of witnessing domestic violence would be more than many people could cope with, but you have had to recover from a breakdown and stabilise everything with your schizophrenia too. That's a lot of personal work you have put in and I want to give you huge credit for that. It's not fucked up at all and you should feel very proud of yourself, when you reflect on what you have achieved.

    You have experienced a great deal of loss and it's understandable that you should now fear more loss, but I wonder if it's fear that is holding you back? What do you think? Is it possible that your difficult past is clouding the present to some extent and denting your confidence? You are clearly one of life's thinkers, so what do you imagine you would say within your friendship circle that would be so offensive as to turn everyone against you?

    Looking ahead, you are returning to school and starting a new job and even though it feels like an uphill battle you have already made big wins. You have already demonstrated your strength and inner resolve in coming back from some devastating personal issues, so this is really part of the process of rebuilding and gaining.

    As far as your weight is concerned, do you think you could do anything about that as part of the journey towards a healthier you?

    Final point: just be careful with the way you describe things and the language you use because our words are powerful. In your post you labelled yourself as a loser and talked about everything being fucked up, despite the fact that you have won a lot back against the odds and now have work and education on the horizon. Don't be quick to label everything negatively because it can drag you down as much as anything that's going on in your life.
     
    SteveBi45 likes this.
  3. SteveBi45

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    I agree with Patrick - be proud of yourself. You have been through so much more than the average person and you have achieved so much!

    Also be patient, change and progress takes time. You start school and a new job soon and this will do so much for you - for meeting new people and also for building your confidence with people.