Coming to Terms

I really struggle with this. I have always felt like sex has been important for me to maintain a connection with my wife. I still want that connection and still would like to have sex. She has always had a different libido....and now, she says that she doesn’t want to have sex with me because it will make her feel closer to me....and she is afraid of what I eventually may have to do. Which is perfectly realistic and understandable. And yet I am still upset. And probably most upset with myself for feeling like I will be responsible for breaking up our marriage and family. And she seems perfectly content to go on in this way.

 

Yeah, that’s hard. For me, it’s a bit the opposite as I could never have sex with him again and maybe be fine, but that very thing has been our problem for years - now it is just more clear as to why. Everything else is generally as I would want it to be with him.

In the end, we are responsible for the end of our marriages if it comes to that, aren’t we? In a way, I wish every day that my husband would just decide he doesn’t want to do this and leave. But I doubt he ever will. If I want a different life, I have to take responsibility for the end of this one. And that is terrifying. I want to keep all that I have (including a great relationship with my husband) but live a life with someone I can feel wholly with in all ways.

 

I would do several things in your situation:

First, since you're not sure if your wife will out you to your kids, consider whether to come out preemptively; whether she outs you to others isn't really that important.

Second, start to think about what you want out of this situation going forward so that you're not in a reactive mindset and can start to think about positive things in the future you'd like to work toward;

Third, apologize and make amends; I think it's unrealistic to expect your wife to be other than angry because this is a big change in the terms of your marriage contract;

Fourth, at the same time don't continually seek forgiveness ... apologize and rectify what you can and then move on;

Fifth, see a lawyer about what you should do to protect your rights.

 

Dude, don't ever think you were/are alone. I spent many nights as a teenager crying myself to sleep asking God to take me home to be at peace. That's not me anymore, there are still some negative feeling once in awhile, life is so much better.

My wife had so many questions, we were able to just sit and talk them through without raising our voices. Only because she has worked in a hospital the last 12 years and has seen pretty much "everything." She has friends that are gay and has worked with Trans people and has discovered they are not "bad people" over the years. Things she would have never expected when we were dating twenty years ago.

Dean