Coming to Terms

Welcome Swim Man! I would say for me that it was impossible for me to conceive of being “romantically oriented” towards a man. I grew up in the 80s, had two sets of heterosexual parents (divorced), went to Catholic Church, had a stepdad that would have shamed any display of weakness or non-masculinity, played college baseball, and never really knew anyone that was out and gay. It was only talked about in hushed voices....not something anyone (I knew) could actually be in real life. So I certainly wasn’t like that. I wasn’t effeminate, wasn’t flamboyant, wasn’t everything that I thought being gay was. But I had these feelings I couldn’t shake....until I could! Oh yeah, that must have just been something connected to abuse I experienced at 15. Tucked it away in a box and forgot about it for 15 years. Now at 41 and married 13 years with an 11 and 9 year old, I allow these feelings to exist. I am honest with my wife about them. They will likely cause us to divorce. They are still confusing and tinged with shame and fear and embarrassment......also sometimes with strong feelings for women, that I feel are compensating for so desperately not wanting to be gay......but the feelings are there in a way they never could be.

Whenever I feel a shame spiral coming, i repeat that I am worthy and valuable just as I am, and so are you.

 

Also confusing for me is that 99% of the time, I could easily fantasize about women. After having a catalyst moment, 90% of the time I fantasize about men. That’s been a hard shift for me.

 

I also struggle with the fact that I am easily swept away/swept up in sexual feelings and excitement when I’m with a woman (wife or other), and don’t really have issues performing or enjoying it. I suppose that would make me bisexual. But I know that I fantasize more regularly/easily now about being with a guy....I am just coming to terms with allowing that to exist and detaching from the shame associated with it. Without that shame, it feels like I’m more sexually attracted to men. Which one could classify as gay.

 

Hey Swimman68 welcome! You will find lots of helpful people here and many shades of orientation. I think for you it's best to acknowledge your attractions and past attractions to women when explaining things to your wife. Be honest.

The reason why I say this is because if you just tell her you are gay to a straight person that could mean you were never attracted to her.

Also for now, try not to label yourself and go with your true thoughts. I also say this because I used to label myself as a lesbian but when I had feelings for a man I'd become frustrated and confused.

You could try marriage counseling but I think the big point to understand now is that you are unable to have a healthy relationship with your wife. We all deserve healthy connections; your wife included.

 

I think the need to be loved and feel like we belong is so strong that 1) it’s possible for many to function very well as a “straight” person in a seemingly “straight” tribe and 2) to fear at the depths of your being an alternative where you “reject” the tribe that has supported you and helped to shape you for a new life/family/way of being

I am close to the point where that may become a reality, and I struggle trying to figure out how I can fit in both worlds. Perhaps the goal is not to fit in but to find yourself and the worlds around you fall into place because of it.

 

People are going to think a lot of different things. There’s nothing inherently wrong with you, though. You’re coming to terms, figuring it out, etc. You have new information/understanding that changes things for you and you’re processing it all. Anyone who thinks less of you for that has their own judgmental issues to account for, most likely.

 

Society is becoming more tolerant of people who experience same sex attraction and even though it's far from perfect, things are a lot better than they were 20 or so years ago. Many eminent people, including academics, business leaders and world leaders are openly gay and very successful too. Many countries now allow people of the same sex to marry, adopt children and serve in armed forces and intelligence agencies and that's a far cry from the situation in the 1980's and 1990's when you and I were growing up. At that time there was hysteria towards and shaming of gay people, largely due to the hyperbole surrounding the AIDS crisis, and the prevailing culture didn't lend itself to coming out and following our heart. To be openly gay at that time was quite frightening and not without risk. Society was not in the mood to tolerate LGBT people back then and the pernicious labelling and stereotyping was enough to push many young guys deep into the closet and remain there... until now. At that time "experts" would tell teenagers and young men/women that same sex feelings were a phase that we all go through and ultimately grow out of, but now we know different. I'm 30 years into my phase!

I suspect your decision to date women and marry was a response to everything I mentioned above and now you have seen the cultural tide turn all of those repressed feelings have come back to the surface. Trust me when I say, you are not alone. A cursory glance through this part of Empty Closets will confirm that many gay guys chose the same path as you, and for a long time they bravely and nobly tried (and wanted) to make their straight marriage work, not fully appreciating that latent feelings would return. If all of this makes sense to you, perhaps you can tell your wife exactly how it was? It's not that you indulged in a deliberate deception or set out to hurt her when you met and married, but you simply believed the love you had (and still have) for her would be enough.

I do agree with the idea of going for couples counselling. I don't mean with the intention of keeping you both together as though nothing has happened, but in order to facilitate a process where you can both decide what's best for you now and into the future. To go through it with a trained third party can make a huge difference and preserve something special in the relationship.

It's not necessary to have sex with another guy to know you are gay. It didn't work like that for me and many other gay men. Our attraction and sexual desire for other men is instinctive and inherent and we don't need to do the deed in order to confirm it. By your own admission you felt something for other boys way back and now you realise that it was deeper and more revealing than you appreciated at the time. It's very likely the idea of dating another guy was ridiculous to you back then because of the prevailing cultural circumstances, but life has changed now hasn't it? What seemed ridiculous then is far from ridiculous now.

Have a think about all of these things and let us know where you are with it all.

 

Hi @swimman68

I’m also a newcomer who has a lot of confusion. I’m married to a man but have fallen in love with a woman (I wrote an embarrassingly long post yesterday about it all if you want the details). But I find I’m bi-romantic but definitely gay sexually. I have no sexual desire for men period. But when I go out into the world, it’s men that catch my eye generally. It makes the whole experience of figuring myself out quite difficult. Love and sexuality just seem to have such varying degrees. It’s very gray, isn’t it?

 

I do find that straight people don’t get how we didn’t always know our sexual orientation with 100% certainty - especially if those straight people are our spouses. I tried to tell my husband that I didn’t know but I sort of did... I felt like that made it worse, because he felt betrayed. He also told me he wished I had realized this 20 years ago... well, hello, so do I!

You also talked about feeling the sexual attraction but not always feeling romantically & emotionally attracted to guys. I think that’s the case for many of us, and that could change if you do end up in any kind of relationship with a man.

 

I can relate to your experiences of sexual orientation a lot. My feelings over the course of my life were very similar to yours. I am a gay woman. Like you I could never imagine myself with a same sex partner when younger. With men I could enjoy the physical sensation of sex but it was like I was an onlooker to the act and lacked active desire. For many years I could get turned on by imagining being the man having sex with a woman. When I finally experienced a sexual relationship with a woman I was able to think about being with her sexually as myself and get turned on: it was an absolute revelation to me. For me the part of sex that was always missing was the tender part: I couldn't get my head around the "making love" part when with my husband and I realised that was bigger than our relationship...it was also about my sexual orientation. He and I are now able to admit to each other that the sex was never that good - it was never the full package for either of us. That being said I was in love with my husband when we married: our marriage was not a lie - I just misunderstood who I am as sexual being and did not join the dots until I fell in unexpressed love for a woman at 40. But that is another story and almost 4 years ago now. Welcome to EC and welcome home to yourself.

 

This part of what you wrote particularly speaks to me. I’m in the midst of this right now (at 40) and can’t see how it moves from this place of confusion. I doubt if we can go on together without a positive/fully enjoyable sexual element. But it’s hard to let go of something that has been central in my life for so long.

 

I feel like you are one step ahead of where I am - and it’s a big brave step! Kudos to you moving forward even as hard as it is.