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coming to terms

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by kendra1982, Aug 7, 2017.

  1. findingjoy

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    I didn't mean to label you, sorry! as @silverhalo said you don't have to give yourself one. Some of us find it helpful, others don't.
    My key to acceptance- it look me a long time to come out- was realizing my romantic feelings for men were also as intense as the sexual ones. I realized that I could only experience that feeling with men, my fear of being gay turned into happiness about it. But I totally understand what you mean about it feeling weird sometimes!

    anyway, welcome and congratulations about your relationship!
     
  2. findingjoy

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    Congratulations!
    What are you uncomfortable about ? Labeling or identifying yourself as gay, or the actual relationship?
     
  3. kendra1982

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    to be honest i have no idea. i think marrying a female. just seems so bizzare to me. even tho i know i have these massive feelings for her. and i understand the whole love is love why wouldnt u want to marry your best friend and your life pretty much.
     
  4. findingjoy

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    I understand. Many of us were like that. before I accepted myself (which is only in the last year) i was very repressed. I didn't think I had romantic feelings for men, I thought my gay sex fantasies were just some weird fetish. I couldn't even imagine kissing a guy. When I came here and started to accept myself, one day I just imagined having a... gulp.. boyfriend....it was 100x more powerful than anything I have ever felt about women. That's when the damn burst loose. Now the idea of getting married to a guy I love and calling him my husband makes my heart race!

    You're lucky you have found someone you love! When you say bizarre is it a negative feeling or just a feeling like 'well this is unusual!"?
     
    #24 findingjoy, Aug 8, 2017
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2017
  5. kendra1982

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    wow thats amazing, yes i am very lucky . i think i need to accept it and realise that i am still "normal" and everyone is normal no matter there choices. the brain and social media is very hard to battle!
     
  6. findingjoy

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    The good news is that acceptance comes eventually. Now when I think about the intense sexual and romantic feelings I have for men,, I feel happy to be gay. .Read around on the forums here, ask questions, post how you feel. it really helps!
     
  7. kendra1982

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    thanks so much
     
  8. silverhalo

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    I think I get what you mean. I have fully accepted being gay. I have a long term girlfriend but we are not married. I'd love to get married but if I actually imagine a wedding with 2 girls it feels a little strange to me not in a shouldn't be happening way but more of a oh how exactly would that work which as you say is just because society has shown us the traditional man and women weddings many times w struggle to look past it.
     
  9. LostInDaydreams

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    I get this. I sort of have the 'white picket fence' thing; long-term relationship with a man and a daughter. It is what I wanted, it was on my checklist. I don't think I really considered the reality of it, it's more that I wanted the image. However, it's not easy to let it go.

    Congratulations on your engagement.
     
    #29 LostInDaydreams, Aug 9, 2017
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2017
  10. kendra1982

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    y
    yes so true!
     
  11. Contented

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    I think finding joy stated it well. When the dam bursts the rush of emotions clears the way towards total acceptance. For me once it did I could no longer even pretend to be straight. I wanted absolutely nothing to do with women in a romantic or sexual way. The feelings towards men both romantically and sexually are so much more powerful than those I had towards women. I now have trouble understanding how I was ever hetero! The thought of intimacy with a woman now frankly strikes me as disgusting. The idea of a BF is so wonderful and satisfying that the thought of him possibly some day being my husband is wonderful. Once you get to acceptance I assure you, you can't imagine being anything other than 100 % gay. You will get there!
     
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  12. kendra1982

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    Thanks so much, im sure it will come with time. dating someone of the same sex is soooo much more different to dating a guy. i used to treat guys like shit but i cant do that to my gf. everything is so different i guess its just a big life adjustment which will soon become my normal
     
  13. Contented

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    The dynamic is different but same sex relationship in my estimation are easier. You are both the same and can relate to each other in ways straight couples cannot. I believe that is one of the many fundamental advantages of being gay. You are always on the same page so to speak. It takes a little while to get the hetero-normative bs out of your system before you can totally embrace the gay dynamic however more and more of us are. We are not alone as I personally find a number of people starting freely admit to thinking about and explore same sex relationships once they find out about my experience and transition. Enjoy yourself.
     
  14. findingjoy

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    looking back, all it took was coming here and posting "i think i might be gay' once I finally faced that issue, even when I resisted, I knew there was no turning back.

    @kendra1982 @ConfusedEast I think had a similar path to you -always being a straight relationship then finding a man he started dating....
     
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  15. findingjoy

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    I feel the same way. I can see myself living with a husband but the actual wedding seems weird.Maybe we need to not try to imitate a hetero wedding. But its definitely something I want!
     
  16. kendra1982

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    i feel so much better knowing other people feel the same. we have both agreed we just want something super chill and casual.
     
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  17. RJay

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    For what it's worth, I have a totally different feeling about this. When I married my ex husband and was in denial about my attraction to women, the thought of a wedding struck me with terror! It felt so wrong. I insisted we elope to City Hall, and I didn't even wear a dress. But now, if, say, my dream came true, and I could marry V (the woman I'm crazy about)? I would love a wedding if she'd want one. And I would wear a tux! Ahhhh just picturing it feels so right.

    In your case, I think it's natural to have the feelings you have, though, given your history and that you don't actually identify as "lesbian". Don't feel constrained by labels or others' expectations.
     
  18. silverhalo

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    That's nice RJay :slight_smile:. It's not that I think a wedding with 2 women is wrong I think as Findingjoy says it is just that the only weddings I have been to are heterosexual ones and I'm a traditionalist at heart so somewhere in there is a slight conflict with things like who walks down the aisle, the speeches etc. That being said it is a dilemma I would love to have and whatever form the wedding took if my girlfriend asked I would marry her tomorrow.
     
  19. Chicagoblue

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    embrace the doubts, the voices in your head...name them laugh at them

    you're out, you're in love....it just can't get a whole lot better than that
     
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  20. Really

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    I was thinking about this since someone first mentioned it. Was it you? Anyway, my idea is this.

    It could be like theatre in the round where the long aisle bisects the crowd and each one of you enters from an opposite end. You'd walk in at the same time and meet in the middle. This way you both get to see the other come in and nobody misses anything or has to act the groom.

    Just a thought. :slight_smile:
     
    #40 Really, Aug 10, 2017
    Last edited: Aug 10, 2017
    dreamingfreely likes this.