Coming out with current wife

Coming out to my wife was difficult but was all worked up and stressed over nothing only thing I feel guilty about is coming out 8 years into our marriage and not at the beginning of our relationship.

 

I spent six years in love with my wife and attracted to her just not as intense as the intimacy I had with a guy. I intentionally left how to tell my girlfriend Im gay on the youtube search on our tv to force myself into coming out to her

 

hey that is never going to be an easy position to be in but I think you have to be honest with her. Take it slowly and just explain to her how you feel. Give her space to take it all in and then to talk anything through she wants to. Hopefully the length of time you have been together will enable you both to deal with the current bit of your journey.

 

When I was coming out as gay which in some ways is similar and others not I found it was like a self scales, on one side was my fear of coming out/telling someone etc and on the other was my need/ desire to come out/tell people. To begin with the fear was very heavy and far outweighed my desire but gradually as I joined EC and spoke to people etc my fear eased a little. On the other side of the scales my desire grew until eventually it just started to tip the scales the other way and my desire was greater than my fear. It didn’t mean my fear had disappeared completely but it made me able to take steps towards my desire. I hope you continue your positive journey.

 

I came out to my wife as bisexual about five years ago, also late-in-life, with grown kids.
I practiced with my therapist to figure out what ways would be best phrasing, etc.
I regret not having it written in a letter, because my wife “forgot” (consciously) a little while later, and I had to come out all over again but this time not as well planned. With a letter she would have had it to re-read all my careful words of love.
I don’t regret coming out.

 

Also regret I did'nt come out earlier.. would have changed my life.. I tried coming out every couple of years.. but yea.. chickened out.. True .. therapy also helped me get to that point where I could accept .. .. coming out to the wife followed. I think she was anyway suspecting somethings up with her constant "are you gay?" question when ever there was an altercations.

I know how you feel with wife having something on the side.. if I can say it that way...same scenario... I was fine with it when it came out.. had my own secret that I was hiding.

 

Thats a big step, wow! Now comes the hard work.. workung on your relationship.. My wife went into the "ignore the subject" mode, so hope your situation will be different, but agree, lets see where it goes. Wow! Still rapping my mind around it. But must say that you do feel better once you rip the plaster off..well was for me

 

Wow 74, congratulations! It's a big step and a crucial one for you.

But one thing.. you said it's about 'your sexuality'. Is it? Sexuality is about who you are (and aren't) attracted to..I was under the impression this is about your gender orientation?

I'm just wondering because the difference is crucial in terms of your relationship going forward.

Hugs, Beth x

 

I was asked a question the other day when I talked about my feeling of "freedom". It is that I want to express my self as Bi and true, its not about sex. My question, and something I am still thinking about is what would that expression look like? Any ideas?

 

I've noticed you come up with some truly thought provoking questions B1. I think there was at least one other one you asked that caused me to sit there in front of it for like 20 minutes before finally giving up and not answering, haha.

I will give this one a try though. What would the reason for the expression be? is it for you, or for others, or the cause? I think that bit is important to answer because it will influence how you express your orientation.

I suppose there are the obvious ways, like coming out on social media, or wearing Bi swag.

The trouble with the former is that it's sort of a one and done thing. I've known people who come out as Bi on social media. They get all worked up over it, feel like once they manage it they've conquered the world, and for two days they are covered with well wishes and congratulations. Then the attention wears off and by day three it's on with the rest of their lives, which actually didn't change one bit. The last person I know who did this subsequently began dating a guy, so now everyone presumed it was either a phase, or it just doesn't matter because she's in a straight relationship anyway. My selfish desire was really looking forward to her announcing a secret girlfriend to sort of consummate the deal. However, for the person who needs some sort of statement to the world, this is definitely an option.

Wearing Bi swag does have a more lasting effect as you can just keep flaunting it. The trouble with this is a bit of the "Hey, look at me!" factor is mitigated in 2023 by the fact that just about everyone could wear it, including straight friends and relatives wanting to show LGBTQ+ support. It might cause people to take notice though, which is sorta the point if that is you're goal. The Bi colors aren't' terrible, probably the best flag colors there are in the LGBTQ+ continuum. I'm not much of a "rainbow girl," myself because, just why?

Which gets me to my last thought. I think the ultimate and best reason for expression in anything, not just orientation, is for oneself. For me, this doesn't mean standing on cars in a parade, but it could, or dressing like Rainbow Road in MarioKart, even though that might be fun sometimes, or even coming out to 1500 "friends," or followers. (I never felt the need) My orientation oozes from me in subtle ways. It's how I live my day to day life as a queer woman. One day it might be a topic of conversation, another day it might be the music I listen too, or the movies and shows I watch. It could be that ugly belt I occasionally wear, or how I choose to voice my feelings on subjects that are LGBTQ+ related. It's how I respond to a compliment, or how I compliment others. It's, "A day filled with opportunities." And yes, it's also days of feeling shy about the whole thing, and that's okay too because it is itself a form of expression.