Looking for some advice really, let me know your thoughts on coming out for yourself whilst you’re single rather than doing it when you’re in a gay relationship... I’m a girl, I’m 27 and I’m gay. But, I’m not out to anyone. I’ve been working on figuring out my sexuality for over 10 years and over the last year or two I can now say I’ve ‘come out to myself’ and I know who I am, BUT... I’ve never actually had a relationship with anyone of any gender. I always feel this complicates things because I haven’t got any solid ‘evidence’ or stories to tell people about how ‘it didn’t work out with this boy’ or ‘I was/am so happy with this girl’, do you know what I mean?! For years I thought I’d wait to come out until I had a girlfriend, so I wouldn’t be making a big deal out of talking about my sexuality for no reason, I’d just be announcing who I was dating... BUT, 1. I haven’t got a girlfriend and it’s had to date when you’re deep in the closet, and 2. I don’t want to drag a girlfriend through a messy coming out situation OR put extra pressure on my family/friends to have to accept my news AND a new partner at the same time. Also, I just feel like I’m going to struggle to take this feeling too much longer, it’s just eating away at me so much it hurts, physically hurts, which I stupid when I’m not even trying to hide a relationship or anything. It’s just constant lying by omission when talking about my future and other things. Any worrying that anything good in my life could be wrecked in an instant if people knew. So, has anyone got any thoughts on coming out when you’re not in a relationship vs waiting to announce it until you’re dating someone of the same sex?
Blue90.....Being in or having a relationship is in no way necessary to prove or to know what your sexuality is. As a person grows up and matures the sexual part of our personality manifests itself quite naturally. Many LGBTQ people who have doubts about their sexuality are in that position due to the overwhelming heteronormative society that we live in. From your earliest memories forward you see heterosexual couples on TV, in movies, in public...your parents are heterosexual....everywhere around you, that's pretty much all you see. When you do happen to see a gay couple, people around you are often giving off a negative "vibe". So we are basically "programed" that heterosexuality is normal and homosexuality is not. One of the first people that I came out to responded with; "How do you know you're gay?". My answer was; "How do you know you're straight?". He thought about that and replied that he always knew, that it was just natural, normal for him. I said; "Me too". My point here is that you don't need to have a relationship to prove your sexuality. You sexuality is what it is. We don't choose it and we can't change it. We can choose to act on it or not, but that doesn't change who we are. So don't feel "less than gay" because you haven't been in a relationship and don't let it stop you from coming out. Come out when you want to, to those who you want to know. It's your choice....even if you were in a relationship! .....David
I actually kind of had the dilemma you had. I didn’t want to come out until I had a boyfriend or I guess something to show, but ultimately I came out to my family while single. I just realized that I needed to do it for me, and not for anyone else. With a significant other while you’re in the closet there’s kind of that pressure of doing it to help them, but your first priority should be for you and no one else.
The advantage of coming out while in a relationship is that you can come out by saying something like "Oh that movie? Yeah I saw that with my girlfriend last week and it was great" or just showing up somewhere with her and introducing her. It does make it easier for it to come up. But there's no reason to have to prove your sexual orientation to someone. You can just tell them. That's what I did. It honestly made it easier to have people in my life know that this was something new that I was still dealing with and figuring out (I was 26), and when I went through the process of trying to date they could support me through it.
It's up to you. I don't plan on really coming out. I just don't want to, if someone askes I'll be honest, but I don't really feel the need to just bring it up. I'm sure it will be a bigger deal when I actually date a girl, so I guess it will just come up then. But not everyone is the same.
I came out to everyone at the age of 27 I also had never had a relationship with anyone and still haven’t. Like you it was eating me away inside, I was losing sleep and I really couldn’t think about anything else. Even though I’m still single I’ve never regretted my decision, I’m lucky as nearly everyone took the news really well. I really don’t think anyone needs to be in a relationship or have past experiences to have a solid understanding of their own sexuality. I say go for it.
For me I didn't want to feel like I was living a lie, so when I felt like it was time to start dating and the like I came out. I wasn't in a relationship and have never understood why that would be the magic thing that would make me want to live with honesty and integrity. If you are referring to the whole "I've got something important to discuss" model of coming out I only ever did that with my parents. Even my siblings just found out because I stopped hiding it.
