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Coming Out While Married

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by RainbowMe, Jun 6, 2020.

  1. RainbowMe

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    Thanks everyone for the helpful threads that are already here! I'm turning 40 in a few months and feel like I'm finally sorting out my identity. It never occurred to me I could be gay until much more recently. Growing up in a rural, religious context meant gay people were invisible (gay woman) or negatively labeled (gay men). I didn't even meet an openly gay woman that I got to know until my mid-twenties. After that, I had positive views about other people being gay but didn't think about my own identity.

    A lot of my life makes more sense if I'm gay looking back. I have a Trans son (in his teens) so over the past several years since he came out we've gotten more involved in the LGBTQ+ community in general.

    I'm currently married to a man (my 2nd marriage to a man). He's supportive fortunately and we're considering opening up our marriage.

    My main question currently about coming out while married is how you navigated that. I want to be who I am openly but I don't want certain people knowing or asking intrusive questions about my marriage arrangement (for example my parents, let alone my in-laws). Any thoughts?
     
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  2. LostInDaydreams

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    Well, you don’t have to answer any questions that you don’t want to answer.

    Do you know what you want to tell people and who the people that you want to tell are?
     
  3. RainbowMe

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    I want to finally be able to be more fully myself so I want to come out to most people in my life and tell them I'm gay/not straight and some of them that we're going to open up our relationship. That's easily done with people already familiar with and connected to the LGBTQ+ community. It's mostly how to handle it with our parents that I'm not sure about. And what to tell our kids (my 14 year old and our 3 year old).

    There's also some internal struggle about feeling like I can't really say I'm gay when I haven't had those sexual experiences at this point.
     
  4. LostInDaydreams

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    I think there’s a difference between saying you’re gay and saying you’re not straight. I think saying that you are gay will open more questions because there’s the obvious issues of how the relationship works, whether your husband (and you) are happy and fulfilled, what happens if one you falls in love with someone else, etc. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t say they you’re gay, but be prepared for questions, which might come from a place of curiosity or concern, if you do. Say you tell your in-laws that you’re gay, I think it would be understandable if they showed some concern for their son in response.

    What does your husband think? Have you discussed this with him?

    You can know you’re gay without having acted on it, though I know it can be hard to accept. Straight people don’t usually say the same thing about being straight, do they?

    You don’t have to answer, but why do you want to stay in the marriage? What will the open relationship look like? Will you have a girlfriend, for example, that your parents might see you with out and about?
     
    #4 LostInDaydreams, Jun 7, 2020
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2020
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  5. RainbowMe

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    Thanks for your thoughtful reply. I agree that they would have concerns, especially his parents. It's also a good point about straight people knowing they're straight regardless of experience. Internalized homophobia maybe playing out on that issue. Also just questions about whether I just have issues with romance and sexuality but I don't think that's the case. When I got married the first time and went on my honeymoon I described it as feeling like we somehow "got off on the wrong foot" or were more like friends on a roadtrip. I just didn't have a way to make sense of what else that could mean at the time.

    I don't want to end my marriage right now because I don't want to have a 2nd divorce and raise my daughter from 2 households like my son (he was turning 2 when his dad and I separated). I also think my husband is a great person and really like him but probably in a close friendship kind of way. He's a good dad but I think would struggle to parent totally on his own. That's why my ideal is to open our marriage for now at least. I'm really hoping he'll connect with a more open local group to explore kink and have his sexual needs met that way so I could pursue finding a relationship with a woman. I don't know how that all sounds when you read it but, to me, it does sound like I'm trying to get everything arranged for other people so I can try to explore what I want to. I do have guilty feelings if I think about my kids and him because I feel like I should have figured this out between marriages but I didn't.

    He's been supportive and open so far, which is another reason why I'm not wanting to end it. Friends of ours shared their relationship contract as an example so we've started looking at that to consider our own options.

    The more I move forward the more I think the truth is that I'm gay (rather than not totally straight or bi). That's a bigger thing to deal with in terms of impacts on my marriage. And finally figuring this out makes me want to really be who I am, not downplay it, while also not blowing up my marriage. I've been direct with him about thinking I'm gay though. I'm glad we can communicate openly about it all.
     
  6. LostInDaydreams

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    @RainbowMe Try to not beat yourself up - you fingered it out, when you were ready and it wasn’t ideal, but it happens. It’s not your fault.

    I can really see that you’re trying to think of everyone. Remember to think about what you want too.

    Also, the easier option isn’t always the right option. What happens if resentment grows between your husband and yourself? How will that be for your children and what example of relationships will that set for them? Just something to think about.

    What makes you think that your husband couldn’t parent on his own?
     
  7. LostInDaydreams

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    Should say figured, not fingered. Sorry. :face_palm:
     
  8. case121

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    Love it...:wink:
     
  9. RainbowMe

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    Haha, I read it the way you meant it. We'll see how things go. We're going to look into polyam resources to make an arrangement that we think is good and adjust as we need to.

    The parenting thing is because he has some challenges with ADHD and learning disabilities that make coping with a lot of things at once much more difficult.