I questioned my sexuality for almost 3 years. Now i am 18. I knew from the beginning that i am lesbian, because i never liked guys and i think that girls are just so cute and pretty i also had multiple crushes only on girls. So it is pretty clear but sadly i am from quite consevative family and that makes me think that it is just wrong and pointless From the beginning I tried to supress my feelings and act "straight" It was the worst thing possible for my mental health. I had a few dates with guys and it just never worked out I felt nothing. Other girls always talked about their boyfriends with such passion, were heartbroken when something bad happened and been jealous. I never cared and thought something was wrong. Deep down I knew why. For some time I tried to fight it unsuccessfully. After long and miseable time I admitted it to myself. Then I experimented a little bit kissed a girl and it was different in a good way that made me understand and confirm what i knew. I told few of my closest friends but no one else. They were fantastic better than i deserved best support i could hope for. But after that I could not bring myself to tell anyone else. Meanwhile I kissed and make out with multiple girls not in very sober state and i made sure no one saw me. Maybe i will contradict myself now but another problem is I dont know enough very close to none LGBT people and because of that i feel some times really alone. And it feels like cant talk to anyone. This feeling piled up inside me and when I was on a concert with my friends from my class. We got really drunk I have never been this drunk. Then I got this "fantastic" idea to scream in front of stage "I like girls" "I am leabian" things like that. There was really loud music and lot of people most of them had probably little memory loss in the morning same as me. I have no idea who heard me. Next morning I remembered nothing. One of my friends said to me what i did. Honestly it is like my worst nightmare. Now enough people know and soon everyone will. My biggest fear is that someone from my family will find out, also how will it affect my "social status" and how can i live with myself after that. Lesson Iearned is that alcohol is like serum of truth and should never drink if I have some secrets or i am not in good place psychicly. If you read it to the end I am very grateful. Please help me find a solution.
Hey I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. I can understand how you ended up getting frustrated and at the time it seeming like a good thing to do. Figuring out your sexuality and coming out is really tough and stressful especially when you do not feel as though you can tell your family. Do you still live at home with your parents? Often situations like this don't end as badly as we immediately think they will but I can totally understand your concern. How many people were you at the concert with? Apart from the friend that told you what you did, has anyone else said anything to you about it?
Well It wasn´t that bad. I was there with few people I am already out with. Those i am not dont remenber exept one but he took it fine and promised he wont tell. But that doesnt solve my problem. I dont look gay at all. Everyone asumes i am straight including my parents who i live with and at least for a year i will. Then I will go to university far away hopefully. I can say that after a long time I am content with myself. I want to tell people and at the same time I wish no knew. Sometimes I feel ashamed and i dont even know why. It is like a ticking bomb inside me. I really dont care about other people but i am scared how will my parents react and i dont want them to know from somebody else. It is tricky
Are you expecting your parents to react badly? When you are dealing with coming out it is like a rollercoaster, I think everyone has ups and downs. You perhaps have a little internalised homophobia, it is really common. I am sure your fear of your parents not knowing is also having an impact about your ability to be completely comfortable with your sexuality.
E Exactly. I admitted it to myself but still cant stop thinking that i have some kind of disadvantage over straight people. Sometimes i just lead some guys on because their attencion feels good and partly because i cant really flirt with girls. I always get extremely nervous, I am afraid that she will be straight because i cant really recognise queer ones. And then i have i think very common fear that all girls will think i am hitting on them it is ridiculous but very real. How can i overcome it? And people are starting to notice i am 18, never had a proper boyfriend, when someone asks me about boys i get so uncomfortable and just answer that nothing special is happening or that i dont care about boys I feel so mutch better aroud people who know but i am not ready for everyone to know. It is killing me from the inside.
Well it's not always easy being gay I'll admit that but I feel that some of the difficult things I have been through have made me a better person and so there are also advantages. One of my biggest fear when I was coming out was that my friends would think I was checking them out or hitting on them but it never came true. It just takes time.
Well I think you just have to keep working on it. Try and make some LGBT friends, chat to lots of different people on here about LGBT stuff, non LGBT stuff, crushes etc. For me trying to make those conversations 'normal' helped a lot. I realise that your environment is not ideal but you have to try and improve the things that are within your control.
That seems reasonable but I really don’t know LGBT people except some online. It’s still big taboo and I feel invisible. It’s like I am the only lesbian in town and it has almost 40000 residents so that is impossible. And I can see homophobia everywhere. In my class we have lot of Christians and they think its a sin and that it even doesn’t exist. Not everyone is like that but it isn’t enough.
I assume your school doesn't have any LGBT club or gay straight alliance, have you googled the local area to see if there are any meet Ups?
Yea there is but when i join everyone will know i dont mind but my parents still dont know and i don't want them to hear this from somebody else there is simple solution to just tell them but I can’t find the right time and now I am doing the most horrible thing I went out with a guy he’s really nice good smart and I am leading him on we were on 2 dates I have to stop it I don’t like him like that what Strucks me the Most is that my friends support this even the ones that know about me in the end I am just overthinking and over complicating things
Hey it's tough don't be too hard on yourself. I agree you have to end things with the guy. Perhaps your friends just don't fully understand and think dating him might help. I am sorry you are in such a difficult position.
