Hey guys, it's been quite a while since I was last on here but I've had quite the rough week, and this is the only place I know of where I can get stuff of my chest in a supporting and judgement-free environment, so here I am... The reason as to why I've had a rough week is because just over a year ago, I came out to the last few people in my friendship group and so this week, I have just been reflecting on my current situation regarding the fact that I am still not out to my parents yet. Last year, with the reaction I got from my friends, I remember feeling so positive and free and I remember telling myself "This time next year, I want to be out to my parents". Yet, here we are and I am still no closer to ripping off that proverbial band-aid... Ever since I realized that I was gay, the thought of then having to tell my parents absolutely petrified me and to be honest, it still does to this day. So many different thoughts go through my mind: What if they treat me differently? What if they get upset with me? Will they be annoyed because I've known for so long? Am I being weak? Am I being a coward? So many people can find the strength so why cant't I? The rational side of me kinda knows the answers to these questions but when you're as much of a worrier as I am, and a single day doesn't go by when I'm not thinking about coming out to my parents, you can imagine how it starts to take a toll on your mental health. So when you combine a week that is much more stressful than usual with these negative thoughts at a time when I am being much more reflective than usual, it results in me randomly crying on a car journey with my family, looking out the window hoping no-one would see the visible emotion on my face and in crying myself to sleep several times this week so yeah, it's been on my mind quite a lot... I want to come out just to, if anything, alleviate these thoughts and worries but I have kept this secret from my parents for around 5 years now and the thought of them just suddenly knowing and me not having this thing that I've held onto for so long kinda freaks me out a little. I've always told myself that I'll come out to my parents by the time we get to X day/month/year and it hasn't happened yet and so I'm starting to think that maybe it just won't happen and that I'll be feeling this way for a long time yet... So I feel like I am just stuck and I don't know how to move on from this. I know that this might be a bit lengthy but I really need somewhere to process my feelings and emotions as I don't feel particularly comfortable talking about this with my friends. So yeah, thank you if you read all of this, any feedback or thoughts that you have would be greatly appreciated. Thank You
Hey First of all, you've said that you think you know the answer to the questions you've asked to yourself. So, may I ask you if you believe that your parent's reaction would be positive or negative? Are they tolerant people? You don't have to feel bad for waiting until you're ready (that's my personal opinion). If it makes you feel better, the first time I told somebody I was gay I was 21 (and I knew it since I was 12/13, though I was in denial for a lot of years). It doesn't matter taking the time you need. So do you feel ready to come out to them? If so, have you thought about how to do it? You're neither weak nor a coward. Each person is different and their circumstances are so. Don't feel bad for having waited to come out.
Hey BlueLion, thank you for taking the time to read my post. I'd like to think that my Mum would react positively, my Dad maybe less so but I think he would come round eventually. I think they are pretty tolerant people but over the past few years, they've made one or two comments about being gay and LGBT stuff, and I know deep down that these comments have come from a place of ignorance as opposed to dislike or hate but being the worrier I am, I tend to blow these comments out of proportion. In terms of how I'd like to come out to them, in an ideal world I'd come out to both of them at the same time because I feel that they both deserve to find out together and I was kind of kicking myself yesterday because it was just me and parents at home yesterday (my siblings were out) and so I can't help but feel that a good opportunity passed me by. I know I'll get plenty more opportunities in the future but yeah, it's hard... And everything that you've said is what I try to tell myself and so it's nice just to hear it coming from someone other than myself.
Okay. I was a little older than you when I came out to my parents, but just like you I had kept the secret for some years and worried myself sick about their reaction. Like you, I'd picked up on a few ignorant comments over the years and blew them up in my mind beyond all proportion. Would they hate me? What would happen if they rejected me? As time passed these questions and all of the anxiety gnawed away at me and it really compromised my mental health. Everything that you've written in this thread was me around 20 years ago. I can totally relate. What are your living circumstances? Do you still live with your parents or are you living independently? I made the decision to come out after I left home, just in case my parents reacted badly. I knew I wouldn't cope living under the same roof if they were hostile (as it happened they were okay). Before I eventually told them I had a few false starts. I remember waking up and telling myself that today is the day, only to back out and put it off. I couldn't rip off the band aid either. What made me finally do it was a decision to name a date and tell other people who already knew I was gay (my sister, some friends and members of a forum like this one) about the date and enlist their support. I told them I was anxious and worried that I might back out and they gave me the necessary prod and encouragement. They spoke to me immediately before I came out to my parents and immediately afterwards. I also rang my parents a few hours beforehand to ask them to be available because I needed to talk to them about something. In other words I set everything up and kind of boxed myself in. Would this work for you? Remember that you can come out in a number of ways. You can do the face to face conversation if you wish, but if anxiety is high and you might get too emotional you could give them a letter. With a letter you can make several drafts, instead of only having that one shot in a conversation and you can really say all that you need to say without interruption. Sometimes in life we need to feel that we are being heard without interruption and a difficult back and forth and coming out is one of those occasions. It's your choice if you leave the letter for them and go out for a bit or stay in the room while they read it. You might want to take a look at the FFLAG website. It's the British version of PFLAG and contains lots of good resources for parents of gay kids. Just type FFLAG into a new search. Maybe download some of the resources for your parents. How would you feel about dropping some hints to set the scene for coming out. It doesn't have to be anything really in your face, but maybe a casual comment about some of the Pride events that are taking place near you. I think it's clear that you need to confront this monster now and we can be here to back you up while you do it. I know it's daunting and can be an emotional experience, but it will free you from the chains that are keeping you inside the closet. If you want to talk some more or explore options, feel free to send me a PM.
Hello Bee12 Sometimes people can make homophobic comments, such as jokes, without realising of the damage they can cause. In the case of jokes (I don't know if that's the case), they may just pretend to be funny (they aren't) and don't feel hatred towards LGBT+ people in reality. It's just ignorance, as you said. You'll have more opportunities to come out, don't worry about that and don't be hard on yourself. Actually, what I was thinking when I asked you the question was if you would like to talk face to face to them or not. As Patrick said, if you feel too anxious about that, a letter could be an option. On the other hand, I also think you're living circumstances are factors to consider: if you live with them or if you depend economically on them, for example.
In terms of living circumstances, I'm currently at home with my family for the summer before I move out again in September for my last year of university and I have thought about writing a letter but, and as stupid as this may sound, I wouldn't really know where to begin with writing one. When I've moved out in the past, I usually come home every other weekend, so if I were to write a letter, I could leave it somewhere before I leave? If I were to tell them face to face, I'd rather tell my Mum first and have her support for when I tell my Dad, but I don't think he'd appreciate it that much. I agree with everything that both of you have said, and I feel that I need to do it soon for the sake of my own mental well-being, I guess I just need to properly think about what's the best way for me...
I feel for you, man. I held those fears for many years until I finally said it during what was basically a mental breakdown so my coming out to them has a fairly negative light now. On the positive side they were good about it. I've wasted about 20 years hiding, still am to others, and it decimated my confidence and mental health so I hope you can do it soon and not spiral downward. I don't think talking with your mom first should be any issue and you can do this however you want. If your dad has a problem with that, ask him how he handled it when he had to come out, oh yea he has no idea so he should trust this was best for you. It's probably another excuse to avoid coming out, and I say that because I used them all myself, so please don't take that as criticism. I do hope you can find a way to come out and it's a good experience and you'll go on to live a happy, fulfilling life and enjoy your 20's and 30's that too many of us regret missing out on. Take care!
I know how you feel when you say you don't know how to start. It's not necessary that the letter is too long. Maybe you could start by telling them how you feel and that there is something you need to tell them about yourself. What you say about leaving the letter somewhere could be a good idea. Or you could do it via e-mail, for example. If you opt for a face to face conversation, I think it's OK if you choose to tell just one of them at first. For example, if you think you're mother would take it in a better way, you could start by telling her. If you're father is understanding, he shouldn't have to take it in a bad way. Whatever you decide to do (coming out or waiting), don't forget that we're here to listen to you.
Thank you mnguy and BlueLion. This morning I felt like garbage both physically and mentally, and my brother noticed that I was clearly not feeling good so he asked what was up. Even though I wanted to talk to him, words just wouldn't come out of my mouth, so I ended up showing him my original post for him to read. We had a good chat about how I was feeling and he was quite supportive actually. So now because of him and because of you guys, I'm feeling a lot better about everything. I kinda know now that writing a letter is probably the best way to go for me and I'll aim to get it all over and done with before I start uni again in September. I'll probably post again on here once I've a first draft together just to see what you all think. So yeah, onwards and upwards...
If your stuck with how to write a letter, take a look at these for inspiration: http://emptyclosets.com/home/pages/resources/coming-out-letters.php Goon on you for chatting to your brother. I'm pleased he was supportive and I hope you can lean on him in September, when you send the letter. Do keep us informed.
