22 year old, male, gay Before I start this story let me just say that this is a very deep and sensitive topic and I would appreciate any ADVICE ! So I graduated from Duke last month and of course my mum was there to celebrate with me. Let me just give some context - my Mum is Nigerian and is still a very traditional Christian and was alreadyrecovering from a depression. She was depressed because my sister’s ex husband was abusive and left her a scarred single mum. Very hard time formy family. Anyways at this point I’m not out to my mum but she’s had her suspicions. My best friend who isopenly is there to celebrate with me. And as soon as we’re alone, my mum starts questioning hissexuality and then says that if my best friend is gay, that I must be gay too. I tried to hide it and say “no I’m into girls” . But we went back and forth and ended up getting into a slightly explosive argument and it just came out. I was at an emotional max and I just said I was gay to her and I didn’t want to hold it in anymore. She said she still loved me and we ended the night peacefully. About a week later, I went on a trip with my best friend while my Mum was in the house. I probably should not have left her by herself for a whole weekend but I had spent the whole week with her. Anyways while I’m on the trip, my mum calls me about 10 times which I missed. I wake up to texts from her saying that she’s extremely sick and that if she died, she’s letting me know that she still loves me. Next thing I know, I’m receiving calls from my brother in Australia encouraging me to be myself and that he’d always be with me. Turns out my mum must have gone through my stuff while I was away and found my HIV pills. Even though she said she was led to the pills by the “Holy Spirit” She was extremely depressed. She was crying and wailing and I had never seen my mum, thestrongest woman I know, so BROKEN. It killed me. I realized I made a mistake. I should have never come out or let her find out about my status. My mum was so broken she felt like she was going to die. She decided to keep the secret of my sexuality and my HIV status between herself, my brother in Australia and my sister who was abused. She said that we should not tell a single other soul in the family. For context, I was diagnosed in 2015 (sophomore year of college) But I kept it secret from anyone in my family to ease them of any burden. After about 3 days, she was slated to go back to Nigeria. When she returned her bouts of depression kept in coming back. She’s unstable, in denial, constantly wishes that all that’s happening is one dream. She has sleepless nights. She sends me bible verses daily and hopes I will convert back straight once again. She’s scared I will die or end my life. She constantly saying that she sees the devil and demons devouring me. She’s extremely paranoid, calls me multiple times daily and is just in general severely depressed. She thinks she failed as a mother. And it kills me. She’s completely broken and it’s all my FAULT! I wish I could fix this but sometimes I freeze when I think about it. I can’t really talk to this with anyone else cause I don’t want to disclose my status to more people. I worry for her. She also has high blood pressure. I spoke with her today and I assured her I was great and working on getting a job and an apartment and starting my life. That cheered her up. But it’s so hard. I have so much emotional burden. I just feel like my world is caving in sometimes and it’s so hard. I have to be strong for her and I have to lift her out of this dark hole even though I myself am not fully out of the hole. My siblings flood my messages asking me to call her . They say things like I broke her heart and it kills me. Please any advice or ways forward would be appreciated. Thank you for reading . I’m sorry u know it’s really long but I needed to get a lot out because there are a lot of dimensions and layers to everything I’m feeling now. Thanks #16 minutes ago + Quote Reply
It’s not your fault. You can’t control the fact that you’re gay. You also can’t control your mom’s reaction to it. She may just need some time. You might could potentially refer her to a book like “God and the Gay Christian” by Matthew Vines that shows you can be Christian and gay affirming. Also maybe you could get her to see a therapist? This is your mom’s issue. Not yours. You can try and help her, but you shouldn’t feel guilty or blame yourself. I know it’s easy for me to sit here and say. Especially since I haven’t come out to my parents yet for fear of a horrible reaction, but it is true. This is not your fault.
Congratulations on your graduation. You are not responsible for your mother’s feelings. It sounds like your coming out moment was hard for both of you. My advice: Stay in touch with your mother, brother and sister. Perhaps reassuring them things are alright with you, not that it is your job to do so but just a kindness. Is there a way you can be supportive of your sister? I’m wondering, does your mother’s focus on you seem like a pattern — did she react that way to your sister or other things in life? Is this her personality, or bringing up things from her past, is it mental health issues she struggles with (and this stuff about you being gay isn’t the real issue)? I am a parent, so I get the part about caring for your child, wanting the best for them, and being afraid for their health, but I don’t think I get as dramatic as you describe your mother.
Hey thank you so much. I would definitely refer that to her once she’s gotten a bit happier. Thanks for reading I really appreciate the advice. Makes me feel better
Thank you so much and I think she’s always been someone who worries a lot and she usually suffers from intense anxiety . So while she might have underlying issues I’ve never seen her this distraught . I also think it’s because I’m the youngest and she still sort of sees me as a child. But I will definitely try and stay in touch.
