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Coming out to family and at work

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Tohru-Chan, Mar 24, 2015.

  1. Tohru-Chan

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    So I've finally begun to accept myself as an FtM transgender person, and recently I came out to my two best friends who were awesome about it. They started using male pronouns and my new name immediately, even though I am not using male pronouns or my new name for myself (not out loud anyways), because I'm afraid of messing up in front of someone I'm not out to.

    So now I need some help. I want to come out to my family first. My dad and my sister I'm sure will be accepting. My Dad, I will have to explain what it means, but I think he'll be happy knowing he has a son (I have three sisters and no brothers). I'm just not sure how to go about telling them. I really suck at articulating my feelings out loud, so I was thinking of sending him an email or a facebook message explaining what I am and why I feel that way. Is that too impersonal?

    And then there's this issue of my mom. I don't even really care how I come out to her because I know either way it's going to be a disaster. She's going to act like the world is ending. All "why did this happen to me?!". But I do need to come out to her before I come out publicly to everyone else.

    And then there's work. I work in retail. I do actually pass on a regular basis, which is awesome and makes me really happy, but I'm afraid someone's going to "correct" the customers who call me 'sir'.

    I really like working where I am. The people are great. But it's a large store with a lot of employees and I'm not sure how I should go about telling people. But this all has to be after I come out to my family.

    It will get easier right? :help:
     
  2. Gen

    Gen
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    First, lets appreciate the steps that you have already taken. Coming out to the first bunch of people is no easy feat. Be proud of the little things and use that pride to motivate you when moving forward.

    Secondly, there is never an optimal way to go about coming out to love ones. No matter how it is done it is going to feel awkward. I would recommend sending them a text or email sometime soon telling them that you have to tell them something important. This is a way to force yourself from changing the subject or backing out once you pick up the phone or meet face to face. It is a somewhat jumbled and uncomfortable conversation for most people, but going about it naturally and having an actual conversation is the best way to do it. I would come out to those that you feel will take it well first to prevent them from finding out via a tirade that might be thrown by your mother. On the topic of her reaction, it might just be best prepare for the worst and know that things will improve with time. It will just require you to wait until enough time has passed for her to cope.

    Finally, I would recommend having a one-on-one conversation with your superior at work and coming out to them first. Even if they aren't the employees that you are the most close to, it will be good to make them aware and prepare in case there are any issue with transphobic coworkers or customers. From that point on, it is simply a matter of coming out to whoever you wish whenever you wish.
     
  3. Daydreamer1

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    I personally texted some people about it, as I'm really bad with my words. The only people I really ever verbally told them my case were a few friends (one is now my fiance) and my dad and step mom. I don't think it's impersonal at all, I actually found it easier since I could organize my words better.

    Personally, I feel you don't need or have to tell your mom. That's entirely up to you. I almost didn't tell my dad and step mom honestly. The only reason why I bothered was in the off chance they sent me some kind of money under my birth name (hoping I'd have it changed by then). The two of them have been out of my life for years and rarely popped in, so it was just a case of how much I cared.

    I'm not the best at things when it comes to giving work advice, since I was going by my true name the whole run and I got gendered right a few times out of ten. I'd say be casual about it and just say that you'd want them to address you by so-and-such pronouns. If you're friends with them on any social media sites, you can ask them on there if you aren't able to pull the aside to talk.
     
  4. BradThePug

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    Depending on where you work, a lot of times they will have an HR person. I would talk to them first. They are usually trained in how to handle these situations, and they will be able to help you determine the best way to come out at work.

    Coming out to loved ones, you will need to do it in the way that you think is most comfortable for you. If you do not think that you will be able to say it, then a letter or message of some sort could work well for you.
     
  5. Michael

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    First, Congrats and (*hug*)... Second...

    In my (very limited) experience yes, it does. Coming out is just a step. And afterwards it feels very liberating. It is definitely worth it.

    Then start here. You are going to gain strenght from a positive feedback, and right now you do need that strenght to face harder challenges.

    Same here, I am not good with words, but I came out on the phone because I had no other choice. I would find such coming out (facebook, sms) impersonal, 'cause the issue is way too important, but... Everybody is different here.

    I didn't said much besides the facts, and it worked out well. My father and I are what you would call silent types, so there was no need to say more than the facts and how it was going to be on the future, as well as telling him that I would answer any question he wants to ask. It went well, but I tell you again... We don't need many words usually to understand each other, your family might need more...

    Naw, you don't... And by the way, I don't understand your mom very well, she should know by now you are not her "baby", I mean... By the way you look, you pass right now, and if she doesn't see that, she must be blind.

    Hmm, I'm afraid I can't be of much assistance here... I guess you should follow Brad's advice and talk to the HR. First make sure your work enviroment is LGBT friendly, unless you want to risk losing your job, or at least have another options in mind in case it happens. It is way more risky to come out at your job, 'cause after all it is what feeds you, you know...

    I hope all goes well.
     
  6. Tohru-Chan

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    First of all, thanks to everyone for the feedback and advice I really appreciate it.

    My Mom.. Well.. She's not a great mom, really. She's my mom and I love her, but, the way she is.. Everything's about her. And everyone wants to ruin her life.

    I've been out as a lesbian for a few years, so my sudden masculinizing-ness I guess just looks to her, and the rest of my family, and everyone else for that matter, as me going 'butch'.

    I'm not sure if there's an HR person. I don't think there is, actually. But the manager and owner, and most of my coworkers are pretty cool. My ex-glrfriend and I worked there together for 3 years. Everyone knew. We never had any problems. Gender is a completely different thing from sexual orientation, so I'm not sure how it'll be taken, but I don't think I'll be fired or anything.