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Coming out to everyone but family?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by KingJude, Jun 16, 2015.

  1. KingJude

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    So... I'm out to my mum. It's just me and her at home, and she took it great. Almost all my friends now know about my sexuality (not quite all...) and they've all taken it great. The next challenge is my father, his wife and their family. For whatever reason, I'm most concerned about telling them most of all. I guess I'm worried that my Dad, who is usually quite traditional, is not gonna take it great. Not only that, but his wife is one of those people that tries to be understanding, and thinks she's open minded, but will probably say, when talking to somebody about my sexuality (which she inevitably is going to do) 'He thinks he's gay.' Or some other kind of comment making out that I'm not totally sure. She usually tries to be understanding, but rarely succeeds. At the moment I don't want to tell them, however, at college I do want to be openly gay. I'm unsure of how exactly people can be out to everyone except family? Aren't there too many opportunities for them to find out? Such, as via social media, or word of mouth? I'm going to pride next month, and I'm worried that somehow, I'm not sure quite how, they're gonna find out.

    Are any of you out to lots of people, but not your family? I'm intrigued as to how you do this, making sure your family don't find out.
     
  2. Lyana

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    Hi thesolemngay. I guess there are two questions here...
    Do you want to tell your Dad?
    Sounds like you don't. Okay, I'm not going to argue with that. You definitely know him better than we do, and there's no reason to come out to someone you don't want to tell. But if he does find out, you don't live with him or his wife, so it should be all right for you. Even if his wife talks -- yes, it's annoying to not be taken seriously, but it would be okay.
    I'm saying this not so that you come out to your dad, but so that you don't make yourself sick trying to make sure he doesn't find out.

    How do you avoid him finding out?
    Well. Right now you live with your mom, so I imagine it can't be that difficult. There is almost no way for him to find out unless your mom tells him, or he knows someone else you're out to and that person is likely to blab. Unless you go around changing your relationship status on Facebook, social media shouldn't be much of an issue. Besides, is your dad that good with social media? Many teens find it pretty easy to keep their parents out of their internet life.
    I suppose you're in high school right now. I think, if you keep on living as you have, there's no reason he should find out. What are the chances that someone who knows both you and your dad will see you at Pride and phone your father about it? Yeah. Not that high.

    College is kind of the start of your (semi)independent adult life, so it's totally possible to be openly gay in college and not have it get back to your parents (I did it in uni; my mother didn't know until I chose to tell her) -- but it will probably depend on the college you go to. If you pick one close to home where lots of people from your hometown go, the likelihood of being outed goes up.

    At the moment, I'm out to plenty of people at uni and a couple friends from high school. There's almost zero overlap between my uni life and my parents' life, so they only know what I choose to tell them. My brother and father still don't know, actually.
     
  3. fxngirl

    fxngirl Guest

    I'm planning to do the same as you, I'm gonna come out soon to my friends but absolutely not to my family, I'm not ready for that yet.
    I think it's possible to be out to everyone but your family, many people are. Of course, you gotta be careful since, as you said, social networks are a good way for people to find out. When you go to college, will you still be at home or will you move? If you move it'll be easier because you won't be living with your family, so you'll have more time to prepare to come out to them.
     
  4. OGS

    OGS
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    I think it can definitely be done, the question remains is it something you really want to do? Of course you should ask yourself if you want your Father to know but I think you should also ask yourself would you like to stop worrying about him finding out? In the end I think that actually is the more important question.

    Pretty much everyone knows that I'm gay. When you really think about it hardly anyone needs to know and I think people often think about it that way. For instance, people will say why do the people who I work with need to know? And the answer is they really don't--but maybe I need to feel truly comfortable at work and maybe that means not worrying I might say the wrong thing and have everyone "find me out." A lot of people on this site will come out to some and not others and a lot of people post about how coming out isn't the grand liberating event that people talk about. And I think it's because of this partial approach. To my mind the real liberation of coming out isn't having people know it's not worrying about people finding out any more. It's hard to keep something important about yourself secret and not feel some measure of shame. I'm sure some people can do it, but it's hard. So, yeah I think you can do it. I think you can be careful and guarded and worry about it and avoid some patronizing comments--but I for one don't think it's a very good trade.
     
  5. KingJude

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    The college I'm going to in September isn't nearby, so that shouldn't be an issue. He's quite good with technology actually, which is what worries me. He's on FB a lot, and I'm just worried someone will post a comment/share something with me etc. that will reveal it to him and his wife. I think you're right, I'm worrying too much. At the moment I don't want him to know. I will tell him, but I'd like to put it off until I go to Uni I think. It's just without his support it would be much more difficult for me to go to university, so I just want to make sure that if he does react badly, that he cannot harm me, I guess.

    College in the UK is when you're aged 16/17 - 17/18 so almost everyone stays at home, as will I. Although I only live with my mum, who already knows, so I guess it doesn't matter either way. I hope you're successful! :slight_smile:

    You make some very good points. Although I guess because I don't live with him, it doesn't particularly matter to me that he doesn't know right now. I know the opposite argument, that because I don't live with him telling him won't matter either way, but the point I made in response to Lyana, about funding my university is the reason I haven't yet told him. I want to be out, but again, I don't want to suffer if he reacts badly, so I guess coming out to everyone except him and my stepfamily is my compromise for now. It is only for two years that I'm at college, and I've been in the closet to him for five years already, so whilst I get being completely open often is best solution, and I agree with you there, it doesn't really affect me hiding my sexuality from my Dad at the moment. And, if I'm honest, if he finds out indirectly via social media it would mean I would avoid having to do it myself anyway. I just want to become entirely independent from both parents before being totally out, if I'm honest. Just in case.

    Thanks for the help though. (*hug*) I appreciate it. :slight_smile: And if I'm honest, you are mostly right :lol: