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Coming out to a Love Interest

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by HasMods, Feb 20, 2021.

  1. HasMods

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    Hello everyone! Since my last post on this website a couple weeks ago i’ve made some great progress in discovering who i am. i’ve come to the realization that i am a transgender female. since early november i’ve been talking to a girl i like very much, she’s very kind and my main worry is not that she would not accept me for who i am. a couple weeks after that, i saw Contrapoints (a transgender woman who makes content on YouTube) talk about how she came to the realization that she is a woman, and it sounded so similar to how i felt, it connected with me and ever since then i struggled to accept it, but i now can accept that i am a female. i guess my question is, how should i go about telling her? i want to do it in a way where i could explain my feelings for her, and also explain to her my journey of realizing who i am, is that a realistic possibility?
     
  2. HasMods

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    Something i forgot to mention is that i’m unsure if she is interested in females. I’m fairly confident that she likes me in my current state, identifying and presenting as male, but i don’t know how she would feel if i told her i was actually female. i am not worried in the slightest that she will react negatively, but i am worried that the possibility of her feelings changing about me because of this causing a huge dip in confidence for me, which i ultimately cannot change her.
     
  3. QuietPeace

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    When I come out to anyone the situation is a bit different since I am post transition but I can share what I have done. Before I even consider coming out to anyone I take quite a bit of time getting to know them and I explore what they know and feel about people who transition. I have come out to about 10 people over the past decade, most of them because I was going to be living with them in one situation or another and one (my current boyfriend) because I was alone and needed someone to talk to. I listen to what each of them had said about people transitioning and made sure that at least their reactions would not be seriously against me. Once I was fairly certain that it would be safe to be out to them I simply stated it outright - in my case that meant telling them "I was assigned male at birth".

    If she is not interested in a relationship with a woman then her no longer being interested in you should actually bolster your confidence as that would mean that she accepts you as a women. If she is only interested in men and stays interested in you that would mean that she only sees you as a man. I would explore both her actual feelings about people who transition and what her orientation is before coming out to her, just to be prepared for how she might feel about it.
     
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  4. HasMods

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    Kind of just as a follow up, how would one start a discussion about orientation?
     
  5. QuietPeace

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    I do not know how to start such a discussion maybe someone else will be able to help there. I have been out as LGBT+ for years, most of my friends have been LGTB+ and so those sort of discussions just automatically happen. With my boyfriend, I had just split up with my trans guy husband so even without specifically being out he knew that I was LGBT+. We had been having long conversations over many weeks and he just brought up different things, including how he felt about DSD (differences of sexual development), people who transition and LGBT+ people in general. These conversations were driven by the facts that two of his exes had come out to him as trans, we also have some friends in common who are out as trans, and many of the people we both know are out as Bisexual or Pansexual.
     
  6. LostInDaydreams

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    Hi @HasMods,

    As I understand it, you’ve not spoken to her about your feelings at all yet and she’s not spoken to you about her feelings either, or not?

    If so, perhaps approach it as if you’re coming out to a friend and then see how she responds before discussing your feelings. If she does or says something that indicates she would be interested in a relationship with a woman, then you could perhaps discuss your feelings as part of the same conversation. But, as you’re unsure whether coming out will change her feelings for you (assuming that she does have feelings for you), it might be a good idea to allow her some time to process what your gender identify means for her feelings before putting her in the position of needing to talk about it.

    The other thing to keep in mind is that if you haven’t discussed your feelings for each other yet, then you can’t know beyond all doubt that she feels the same way. This might be another good reason to not discuss both things as part of the same conversation, but you know her better than us and of course, it’s ultimately your decision.

    Either way, I hope it goes well. :slight_smile:
     
  7. HasMods

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    Hi! i really appreciate your advice, i was planning on taking it but something happened that kind of made me pause and think about it. there was a day this week where things were really clicking between us, and it made me realize that she says a lot of things that i feel like most people would not say to a friend, like for example, whenever we hang out she always texts me before saying that she’s really excited to see me, when she recommended a show to me she told me she was really sad because she wished she could watch it in person with me, and she also started sending me hearts pretty often in the past couple weeks. i feel like i’m probably bad at reading cues and it’s just kind of a badly kept secret, but i’m not sure if i would really say many of those things to a friend, but i don’t know, the only other person i text i have a pretty casual friendship with so maybe i’m not someone to talk. either way, i have to admit the idea of being in a relationship with her is amazing to me, but it just makes me even more nervous to tell her who i really am. either way, i thank you for helping me.
     
  8. chicodeoro

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    I agree with Lost In Daydreams - get to know her as a friend first. Wait until you're on firmer ground in terms of your friendship.

    Coming out with it all at the same time would probably be confusing for her and quite frankly a bit of a mindf*** for even the best of people to cope with.

    Beth
     
  9. quebec

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    HasMods.....You might want to consider using a letter WHEN the time comes to tell your friend. There are some great sample coming out letters here on empty closets that could be used as a starting point to help you write a letter to tell her what you want to say. Even if you don't eventually use the letter, taking the time to think about it and to write one will help you be sure to say what you need to say and leave out the rest! An additional plus to a letter is that you don't have to be present when the letter is read. That can be a big help as it eliminates the potential face-to-face confrontation that can be difficult. Most importantly...it gives the person reading the letter some time to think before they talk to you. After all, you've had time to think about all of this and they have not. Giving them at least some time to think about it only seems fair! :old_smile: Check the letters out (see below)...they could be a real help! Also...when you do talk to them/write them a letter, your friend will probably have questions. Take some time now to think about what those questions might be. Such as; "How do you know you're transgender?" or "How long have you felt this way?" etc. The questions themselves will vary a great deal dependent upon your friend...so take that into consideration. If you work up a list of five or ten questions with the answers already planned, you will be perceived as a more mature, serious person.
    *****COMING OUT LETTERS: http://emptyclosets.com/home/pages/resources/coming-out-letters.php
    *****Remember...you are a part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care! Keep us updated on how things are going for you!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
    #9 quebec, Mar 1, 2021
    Last edited: Mar 1, 2021
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