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Coming out publicly to my 77 year old dad.......

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by rtoddhix, Jul 7, 2021.

  1. rtoddhix

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    I am 57 and will be 58 in December. I am very positive my parents who are both in their mid 70's have known that from a early age I was different from other boys my age. I do remember my dad has always made derogatory comments. My mom it seems has always struggled to accepting it and in some form of denial. That is what I have seen from my own perspective. My mom and dad divorced when I was 5. My mom remarried rather quickly and that is a whole other ball of wax.

    In my later 30's I came publicly out to my mom. She more or less told me I was going through a midlife crisis. That it was just a phrase. I have never in any form had a guy friend or same sex relationship of any sort. A big factor in that being that I always aligned with the charismatic beliefs. In my area even that denomination is very conservative in their viewpoints. I have even been through intense deliverance sessions as well as controlling homosexual thoughts. It has never went away bottom line. My mom and I have never discussed it again since that one time.

    I came out to my sister just a couple of years ago. She said she always knew and advised me not to come out to my dad. Because of being on disability for a mental illness I have in most cases had to rely on my dad. He is wealthy and own rental houses in the town where we live. I am currently living in one of his houses.

    In the last several days I have met a guy online he is my age and lives 100 miles from here. Things are going well and we have really hit it off and have chatted and talked on the phone. If things progress from here then its looks like at some point it could develop into a relationship. I hope it goes that way.

    I know my dad well enough to know he is very prejudice and have made many derogatory comments about gays and blacks. It just seems like a no win situation for me especially. My relationship with both of my parents has always been on rocky territory. My mom has never offered any type of support of any kind since I left home at 19. She has always seemed to in no certain terms turned me away and told me to go to my dad and I have.

    I have never had any type of privacy living in this town especially in his rentals. He and my brother come over whenever and they do not call ahead of time. They do knock on the door, it is not like they open the door. I never have any company other than them. I really do not want to drag any guy who is openly gay into a discreet relationship. It would not be fair to him. I do not want that for myself as well.

    I apologize for opening up about my very convoluted drama. I love to write so it has always been very cathartic for me to convey my thoughts out in the open to make some rational sense out of them. How in the world do I approach my dad and come out publicly to him? There is a big possibility he will publicly shun me. I do not know if he would go to the extent of even taking my out of his will if that is even legally impossible. To be honest I could care less about his money or inheritance.

    if the thing with this guy I met online develops like I think it will and I do move where he lives and for some reason it doesn't work out at some point in the future I would have no other place to go. As you can see there is a lot of things to think about and weigh out and consider at this point. I know some of you who read this will probably tell me I way overthink this situation. My thoughts about this do seem to be extreme.

    If you reading this could offer any advice on how to deal with all this please feel free to be honest with me. I want to hear what others have to say and go from there.
     
  2. rtoddhix

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    I can see that since I posted this post has got 50 views with zero comments. I was wondering If I could repost it in the Coming Out Advice section to see it if will get some traction there? I spent quite a deal of time and patience preparing and typing this out to get no response whatsoever.

    Rchard
     
  3. old tacoma

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    @rtoddhix — I read your original post and at this point my perspective is to hang tight where you are and as you are. You write that you met a guy online “in the last several days” and that, from your point of view, “things are going well and we really hit it off.” It is only natural to become excited about the possibilities of a new friendship/relationship.
    I took the liberty of looking up the information available online for the town you list as your location here on EC. I have picture in my mind of your overall situation. I agree with your sister that it’s probably better to not tell your dad at this point in time. That discussion would be better left for a later time when you are in a stronger position to talk with your dad on a more equal basis. In other words, “This is who I am, Dad.” And for when you have a reasonable exit strategy, and a place to go, if your talk with your Dad goes badly.
    You sound very articulate, able to express yourself clearly. I would suggest that, as you learn more about the new guy in your life, you discuss with him your current situation and what you see as possible alternatives for you in the future. Be open to not only a possible relationship with him, which he may or may not be looking for, but just be open to him as a possible friend, an ally for you as you move forward with your life.
    Your sister sounds like she will support you. Not necessarily in a financial way, but in an emotional way, helping you in your personal development as you progress through this major change in your life.
    Best wishes for you!
     
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  4. rtoddhix

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    Thanks a lot for taking the time to read my post and respond. I appreciate that very much. After reading your post i have a lot of thoughts going through my mind. The main thought that stands out at this point is about this guy named Micheal that I met on the social media account. At this point we seem to be on the same page about everything and where this could lead for both of us, but we have never met in person. I have not discussed anything about my relationship with my dad at this point. But it is high on my list of priorities to discuss when I talk to him again.

    In my current living situation, I am also thinking long term. If I do put everything on the line and move to where this guy is at, and at some point a breakup happens, I would have nowhere to go. I really do not want to be homeless and live on the streets. That right there is downright scary to even remotely think about. This is something as well that i talk to this guy about.

    As far as the relationship with my dad goes, I am not so sure of what his initial reaction would be or how things would transpire after that. If this guy does come to my town for us to date like he is wanting to and comes to my house I am very sure that my dad will want to know who the person is and why he is there. My half brother lives on the same country road 2 miles from me and frequently passes my house. My dad and my brother are very nosey and will make it their business to ask me who was there.

    This is very irritating for me and no way to live. I am not handling it very well at this point. I feel as if I am in a freaking cocoon much like a butterfly at some stage of personal growth. All I know to do is write about it in hopes that it will bring some comfort to my mind.
     
  5. old tacoma

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    What about you meeting this guy at his place? Or somewhere between?
     
  6. rtoddhix

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    I do not have dependable transportation right now that I would trust to make that trip. I will talk to this guy later today and tell him everything and go from there.
     
  7. I'm gay

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    I think a lot of people read your post, and then didn't have much of anything constructive to say, so they didn't. I didn't initially respond yesterday for the same reason. I just don't have much in the way of advice to give you. I was hoping others would chime in, and I'm glad that @old tacoma did.

    The challenge here is that you paint a picture of a no-win scenario. Because of your disability, you lack transportation and an adequate ability to live on your own. So, you are dependent on your father for living expenses, and your experience with his bigotry leads you to conclude that he may well cut you off if you come out to him. So, you can't leave. You can't come out by staying. That sounds like a no-win situation to me. The potential of a relationship with a guy you've never met in person being your knight in shining armor and saving you from this situation seems a bit of fantasy thinking as well.

    Something has to give here. You really can't have your cake and eat it too. I guess you will have to decide if your freedom to be yourself is more important than the potential risk of angering your father. It's also possible he could be angry with you but still not cut you off. I don't know because I don't know you or your family. You will need to judge the risks for yourself.
     
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  8. quebec

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    rtoddhix.....As others have said, you describe a no-win situation, which is of course the reason you wrote a message here on Empty Closets asking for help and guidance. You have decisions to make. Will you keep the situation the same as it has been or make a move to change things? I think you are a long way yet from counting on the new guy that you have met as a solution to your problems. It could happen, but if it does, it won't be right away and you will have no guarantee that it will last...first relationships have a high failure rate. So your choices come down to changing your relationship with your dad or somehow finding a way to be self sufficient. Take some time and think through these option to see if any of them seem like a possibility. It's probably not wise to suddenly jump at a different life-style...please take time to work through things before you take any irreversible steps!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  9. rtoddhix

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    Well my no-win situation landed me in a mental health facility in Texarkana Arkansas for a big majority of July. I could not handle living no more and that caused me to reach out for help. Over the last several months I have been in severe depression. Before I left for the ER, I made the decision to call off the situation with the Michael guy from Louisiana. It was not fair to him or me to get into something at this point. I believe this may be the start to have some sort of independent lifestyle for me and not for anyone else. I questioned a lot of things during my inpatient stay, especially about my sexuality which I will bring up in another post altogether. Yes I could die tomorrow or I could live for the next 20-30 years. So the way I see it is I need to make each day count. I am very not sure at this point If I will have ever have a relationship with another man. But I will always be curious if i can be a more deeper connection with the same sex. It is definitely not all about sex for me. That is all I have to say for now. I may add more later. I did have a talk with my dad about getting a dependable ride. Baby steps right now.......
     
  10. quebec

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    rtoddhix.....Just take things one step at a time. There is no rush and you need to take care of yourself right now.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  11. Peterpangirl

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    Rtoddhix, what you say sounds very measured, thoughtful and considered. I agree with David that moving forwards gradually is the safest option for you right now and safeguarding your mental health is so important. Stay safe and love yourself.
     
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  12. Tightrope

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    Baby steps, like others have said. You may be thinking too much about how this will go and that will go. As hard as it is, try to live in the moment. Try to enjoy the small things in life. Don't add others and potential drama to the mix right now. Work on getting mentally healthy.
     
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  13. Old Dog

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    My Dad gone,,, I need cum out to my kids, grand kids, one excluded, she gay ashe knows