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Coming out? (Or actually... maybe not...)

Discussion in 'Anonymous Support and Advice' started by Anonymous, Jun 3, 2017.

  1. Anonymous

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    I need some advice.

    I've known I'm gay for about a year now, and not coming out is awful, but at the same time I don't want to because I'm scared of people's reactions. I'm afraid people won't believe me because I'm still a teenager, and I'm not in a relationship. Mostly though, I'm terrified of being bullied at school about it. It sucks because I'm nowhere near as happy as I was, and there isn't much I can do about it.

    I don't know how my parents would react. I feel like my dad would be really chill, by my mum is a different story. She says she's accepting of the LGBTQ community, but every once in a while she'll say something like 'he/she's so gay' or 'that walk is gay' or something, and it's like, why would I want to come out if that's her opinion? I don't want that type of treatment from my parent, and if it's like that with other random people, what's stopping the same reaction with me?

    I've been made fun of before for being close friends with another girl, so I don't think people at school would be very accepting either. My close friends know, but it's hard being one person around them and another around everyone else. Also, the few people that are actually out at my school aren't seen in a good light; whether that's because they aren't nice I have no idea, but it always seems to have some sort of link.

    I'm not in a relationship at all, so I don't think people would believe me because 'I wouldn't know', and it frustrates me because it isn't them, so how would they know?

    I hate this, and it sometimes gets to the point where I wish I was straight because it would be so much easier. I actually feel guilty if I think about being gay, which isn't a good thing.

    If anyone has any similar stories or advice please reply.
     
  2. Quantumreality

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    Hey OP,

    You should only Come Out if/when you are comfortable doing so and if it is safe to do so.

    Certainly being in the closet can be frustrating and mentally draining – especially when it means we can’t be our true selves around all of those closest to us. Despite that, you have to weigh the pros and cons of potentially Coming Out to your family and/or being totally open about your sexuality and do what makes the most sense to you.

    As far as being in a relationship or not, that isn’t really an issue for anyone who truly understands the complexity of sexuality. Sexual orientation is about romantic and sexual attractions, not actions. Even gay people can have sex with opposite sex partners, but the physical act of doing so does not make them ‘straight.’ You – and only you – can truly know to whom you are attracted and, thus, what your sexual orientation really is. If someone else questions your Coming Out, it’s usually best just to be insistent and consistent over time. Maybe ask them how THEY know that they have always been straight (like for example, before they were ever in a relationship) – and if they’ve never been in a same-sex relationship, how can they KNOW that they might not be bi or gay?

    As far as your parents go, have you considered possibly Coming Out to your Dad first and getting his support and advice about potentially Coming Out to your mother? I believe that the majority of homophobia results from ignorance. Your mom’s comments may very well be based on ignorance. It’s a whole different story when a parent has to face the reality of having and LGBTQ child. Then things become real. Have you ever discussed any real LGBTQ issues with your mom, such as Gay Marriage or other LGBTQ issues that may have been in the news, come up in school, etc?

    One way to combat ignorance is with valid information. If you decide to Come Out to your parents – especially in the case of your mom – it might be a good idea to have some resources available, such as the Our Children pamphlet from PFLAG, for them to read and help them better understand.

    Just some thoughts.
     
    mnguy likes this.
  3. Anonymous

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    Me again. Had a debate/argument with my dad this evening that really makes me wonder. Does he even think about/accept ideas of things that he doesn't do himself? Cos it doesn't seem like it. My options are narrowing down, and I'm terrified that I'll let something slip I shouldn't have, that could jeopardise my 'safety net'; basically the assumption that I'm straight. I'm trying to get away with it, but at the same time I'm barely keeping it together not coming out. I feel like I'm making this sound self-pitying, but I'm not sure what to do. I'm not trying to make it sound like I have all the problems, but I think it's coming across like that. I'm sorry if it is! Please reply if you have any advice.
     
  4. Quantumreality

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    Hey OP,

    Can you explain a little more fully about what happened in the debate/argument with your dad and why you are concerned that you might have 'let something slip' that you shouldn't have?
     
  5. Anonymous

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    We were debating/arguing about religion, he was being really horrible and neither me nor my sister liked it. It's not that I DID let something slip, but I'm terrified that I will because I'm struggling to live as someone that I'm not (not sure if that makes much sense, sorry!). My dad has this way of making you care about something, even if you don't want to. He can say something, and it will hit too close to home. Like yesterday, he made the statement about acceptance - 'can you find religious people who are gay? No'. I'm not religious, but it was something that made me think.

    This morning, he was congratulating me on how I argued. Why are you doing that? You 'won' the argument, and you made me cry because you didn't let me express my ideas. What if you don't let me express myself? He actually said 'if you converted to x religion I would find it hard to accept you'. What if he doesn't accept the fact that I'm gay?
     
  6. Quantumreality

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    Hey OP,

    Have you tried talking to him about LGBTQ issues to get a feel for his opinions? Perhaps you could 'continue' the debate/argument you just had by doing a little research and showing him that there are, in fact, LGBTQ people who are religious and LGBTQ-friendly religious institutions. When you show him some facts on this, you might get a better understanding of his attitude towards LGBTQ people and issues. In fact, part of your argument might be to question him "Just what would be wrong with LGBTQ people being religious in the first place? And since you said that you aren't religious yourself, why does it even matter? Why would you even bring that up?"

    Or something along those lines?

    From what you wrote, his comments about religion seem to be more focused on being against organized religion than anything else. I don't see anything in his comments that might indicate that he would be unaccepting of you as gay. Certainly not based on religious reasons.

    Since he likes to argue/debate, I think that you have a good opportunity to get a handle on his views of LGBTQ people and issues, if you are up to it.