1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Coming out not my priority..

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Orchidea123, Nov 14, 2017 at 2:11 AM.

  1. Orchidea123

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 23, 2015
    Messages:
    673
    Likes Received:
    113
    Location:
    US
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Am I missing something? About 2.5 years ago, for the first time ever, I realized my romantic attraction to her.

    So here I am now, still strong feelings, and by now, pretty comfortable with who I am but suffering..
    We are talking, and she helps me out, which I absolutely love. Its been a slow process since my unsuccessful confession a while back which damaged our communication big time.
    The whole recovery process has been painful.

    I actually don't know for sure how to label myself.
    But, what I don't have a need for is to 'come out'. It's not in my plans for some reason..
    Maybe this need is muted by this huge secret I carry every day - my feelings for her.

    Or maybe it is muted by my hetero marriage, responsibility for kids, and husband.
    I told my husband couple years ago about being attracted to her and it went terrible.

    I can't say I am 'in the closet'. Instead it is more of being 'secretly in love'.

    Have any of you felt similar? Or, has Coming Out been your ultimate thing to do?
     
    #1 Orchidea123, Nov 14, 2017 at 2:11 AM
    Last edited: Nov 14, 2017 at 2:14 AM
  2. LostInDaydreams

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 10, 2016
    Messages:
    1,344
    Likes Received:
    135
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    This is an interesting question.

    For most of the time that I've been questioning, I've never had any desire to come out for its own sake or really considered myself as being in the closet. Whenever I thought about telling anyone, it centred around a woman that I had a crush on. So, in that sense I can sort of relate to what you've said.

    For me, it's only been very recently that I've been thinking about coming out in its own right. I think I've become more aware of the little things I say and do everyday that might be slightly different if I were out. I'm also more aware that I am in the closet and restrictions that places on me, but I don't know what in particular has made me more conscious of this. At times I feel really stifled and suffocated, which I wasn't aware of until recently.

    It depends what you mean by coming out too. Even if I do get there, I won't be telling most people unless it comes up. I won't be making unnecessary announcements to everyone I know. It's more that I could be honest and tell people if I wanted to.
     
  3. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,359
    Likes Received:
    1,755
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I don't think it was ever my priority as such more of a side effect. I guess the first couple of people I told, I came out to because I felt as though I had to tell someone IKEA I couldn't hold it in any longer. Then maybe a couple more people from another group of friends. The rest have mainly been a side effect of having a girlfriend. Once I had a girlfriend then unless you want to keep that part of your life a secret coming out is inevitable in circumstances where you chat to people. I never made a big announcement or anything it just kind of happened. When I was first coming out though it often happened in waves, like I'd come out to a few people thenobody for ages, then a few more people.
    I can see if you are married to a man with kids that completely changes the situation then.
     
  4. junebug99

    Regular Member Away

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2017
    Messages:
    430
    Likes Received:
    516
    Location:
    Ontario, Canada
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I am in no hurry either. Being married complicates things. No kids involved though.
     
  5. Mabel

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2017
    Messages:
    158
    Likes Received:
    149
    Location:
    New England
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I think it’s really where people are at. It sounds like you have a lot to consider, and with kids you kind of need a plan. Just a general idea of the changes you want to make in your life, because that will be their biggest concern. For me the trigger to want to come out was when I realized that I was gay and that in the long term being in a hetero marriage was not going to work. Also i realized that feeling invisible was just becoming to hurtful to me. My husbands quality of life also mattered to me. Even though we are very close friends he deserves the chance at a full relationship, with all aspects present, and so do I. I feel better now my kids are going to know, them not knowing such a substantial part of me was overwhelming and was affecting how wholly I was parenting. Now I feel I can concentrate on being a mom in a more holistic authentic way. I’m not as distracted from that, because I made my decision to come out. It’s all still in process, and really close friends and family are the ones that we will tell, I’m sure things will disseminate. Once I feel my daughters are comfortable with all this new information ...the others will get told. I’m not a “in the spotlight” kind of person. I want to be seen for who I am and live authentically, it’s better for me as a person. It will be discreet and as necessary, mostly so the kids don’t catch people off guard and so people can act appropriately when dealing with them and sensitive to their new normal in how our family has changed.

    It’s so individual and I went through so many ups and downs to get here. Coming out was not always my plans, I just kept working through my stuff until it became obvious that what was needed in my life and in the lives of the people I loved.

    I don’t think you should feel pressured and you should just work from a place within. You have to be ready on your own terms because if you weren’t , that wouldn’t be healthy either. Everyone should go at their own pace, be honest with themselves in their journey. What you want now may change and that’s ok...
     
  6. justaguyinsf

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 30, 2016
    Messages:
    273
    Likes Received:
    46
    Location:
    San Francisco, CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I agree with you OP in that coming out for solely to broadcast your sexuality is not a priority for me. It mad some political sense in the 70's and in the midst of the AIDS crisis but now it seems a bit old-fashioned to me. I like the "need to know" approach, so, for example, I would come out to those close to me if I were in a serious relationship with another man. Of course others have a different approach and more power to them!
     
  7. Markieg64

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 8, 2017
    Messages:
    27
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Middlesex
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Hi I am 53 and still married to my wife of 30yrs I admitted to myself 2yrs ago I think about coming out all the time at the moment but not ready to come out to wife and girls yet I don' know if the reason for telling them is because my eldest daughter is having our first grandchild in March which I want to be apart of and in August she is getting married and I want to give her away and I don' know how they will take it or just because I'm don' want to .

    I think if I really feel like I want to tell some one I might tell a friend first see how he would take it
    I have had a wait lifted of my shoulders just by typing my thoughts on here over a couple of days
     
    dreamingfreely likes this.