I have decided to come out to my mom and stepdad - which I am terrified of doing even though I know they will be accepting. I was planing on coming out to them once I was dating someone serious but I can't take their comments about finding a boyfriend and being single anymore so I have decided to come out to them (for reference, I am 27, never mentioned anyone to them and I have been living on a different continent as them for the last 9 years so relatively easy to keep them at a distance). I've made a draft of the email I will send them and I am afraid that I might sound too accusatory so I'd like some external opinions and suggestions. Although it is very important for me to set up the boundaries mentioned in the letter. We're also not a family that communicates much so this is much more factual than emotional. Thank you for your help and please be kind Maman, F., June being Pride Month, I thought this was a good time to come out and tell you that I am gay, although I am pretty sure this is not a complete surprise. I never said anything before because I don’t think this should warrant an announcement (and because this is probably one of the scariest thing I’ve ever done) but in all honesty, I can’t take all the comments on finding someone/being single or the “boyfriend” comments anymore (although I do appreciate you adding “or girlfriend” from time to time). So here it is. This doesn’t change the fact that I am single though. And it’s not because I don’t talk about it that I don’t date. There just hasn’t been anyone recently and when there was, I just wasn’t ready to talk about it. You can trust me when I say I will tell you when there is someone I want to talk about. But in the meantime, I am fine with being single, I am happy with my life I have. I hope this can be enough for you too and I would really appreciate if you stopped making comments. I have been out to my friends for a few years, they have been very supportive and I hope this doesn’t change anything for you either. I don’t really want talk about it more than what is in this email as I’m still trying to be fully comfortable with this but it is something that I needed to say. I don’t want this to be a big secret so if you want to tell people/family members you can. I have sent [brother] a separate message to tell him too. Love you,
I like it. One thought. Maybe say something about going forward, when they’ve absorbed this news and you feel more settled, you’d welcome questions within your comfort zone. I’m not sure how to word it but I’m sure you could figure it out. I just think essentially saying “don’t talk to me about this” might be a bit stern. If they’re accepting and love you, they’ll want to be part of your (whole) life. Good luck!
artstravel.....When you do send the email, your parents will probably have questions. May I suggest that you take some time now to think about what those questions might be. Such as; "How do you know you're gay?" or "How long have you felt this way?" etc. The questions themselves will vary a great deal dependent upon your family...so take that into consideration. If you work up a list of five or so questions with the answers already planned, it will take pressure off of you and you will be perceived as a more mature, serious person. Remember, you are a part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care! Keep us updated on how things are going for you! .....David
Thank you, I was quite unsure about that part... I think answering questions is what scares me most as this is still a very uncomfortable topic for me even with myself close friends who have known I'm gay for years. I've taken your suggestion into account and changed the letter a bit (sentence in bold) to let them know they can ask questions but still try to stay within my comfort level. Would you mind letting me know what you think? Obviously the bold part is just for posting here and will not be in the email I send! Maman, F., June being Pride Month, I thought this was a good time to come out and tell you that I am gay, although I am pretty sure this is not a complete surprise. I never said anything before because I don’t think this should warrant an announcement (and because this is probably one of the scariest thing I’ve ever done) but in all honesty, I can’t take all the comments on finding someone/being single or the “boyfriend” comments anymore (although I do appreciate you adding “or girlfriend” from time to time). So here it is. This doesn’t change the fact that I am single though. And it’s not because I don’t talk about it that I don’t date. There just hasn’t been anyone recently and when there was, I just wasn’t ready to talk about it. You can trust me when I say I will tell you when there is someone I want to talk about. But in the meantime, I am fine with being single, I am happy with the life I have. I hope this can be enough for you too and I would really appreciate if you stopped making comments. I have been out to my friends for a few years, they have been very supportive and I hope this doesn’t change anything for you either. I’d understand if you have some questions and will do my best to answer them but I need you to know that this is still not an easy topic for me to discuss and I can’t promise I’ll answer all of your questions. I don’t want this to be a big secret so if you want to tell people/family members, you can. I have sent [brother] a separate message to tell him too. Love you, Thank you for this, I will try to think about possible questions they may have.
Hi @artstravel Your addition looks perfect. Lets them know there can be a conversation or conversations but it’s still raw for you at the moment. Good luck. :]
Good luck! (Not that you’ll need it.) If your parents are already talking like that I’m almost certain they will accept you. They just want you to be happy. Not the way I would do it personally (couldn’t stand the wait for a response.) but a close school mate of mine did it by letter with an homophobic father, it worked for him and both his parents realised their love for him was greater than their (then) homophobia. I honestly can’t see this going anything other than positive.
