Coming Out Letter to extended family (1st draft!)

I’m a 27 year old gay girl, not out to anyone. I’m writing my parents a coming out letter but I’m finding that one hard and it’s just a jumbled mess (I sort of came out to them in the middle of an argument several years ago, it went badly, particularly with my mum so I ended up back in the closet).

So, I’ve just written this second letter which I could send to extended family after I have come out to my parents (i.e. for cousins, aunities, uncles etc). I’m very close with them all. I thought I’d start with this one as it’s going to be shorter and less emotional than the one to my parents, and therefore easier to write!

Obviously this would be sent to them all after I’ve told my parents and is written assuming my parents don’t completely reject me (fingers crossed!)

Let me know your thoughts on it?


My beautiful family,

Hey, don’t panic, I’m ok. I appreciate this is very strange, we don’t write each other letters! I’m sorry that we’re not having this conversation in person. But it’s just not that easy to find the right time, the right place or the right words. I don’t want you to hear this through gossip though, I want to tell you myself, so here goes...


I’ve decided it’s about time you should all know a little more about one part of who I am. I’m so tired of lying by omission, being guarded in social interactions and uncomfortable in harmless conversations about the future. I’ve had enough of being so afraid to just go out and live my life like you all do so freely and without a second thought for what anyone thinks about how you do that and who you love.


Anything I write here makes this bit sound awkward, so I’ll get to the point. I’m gay.


That’s it. Ive said it. I’ve told you. After so many (far too many) years of wanting to, but not being brave enough. Years of telling myself it wasn’t the right time, when actually I simply couldn’t find the courage.


I’ve got no idea what each of you will be thinking right now. Hopefully it’s not a big deal and life will go on! After years and years of imagining what you will think, I’ve learned one thing though - whatever it is you think and feel, it’s beyond my control.

Maybe you already knew or you had a feeling!? Maybe this is a complete surprise and out of the blue? Maybe you don’t feel that ok with it? Or you feel weird about it? Or maybe it doesn’t matter to you in the slightest? Maybe you can even feel happy for me that I can start to live freely enough to experience life and love the same way that you can? I honestly don’t know how this is going to go.


People have questions don’t they when they hear news like this. When did I know I was gay.. well about the same time you knew that you weren’t? How did I know I was gay.. just the same way you knew you weren’t? The way I have the capacity to feel love for a girl feels as completely normal to me as the way you feel love for someone feels to you. Do you want to know the rest of the story... well that’s for another day over a cuppa tea or a drink! Just take my word for it though, I’m not confused, it’s not a phase. I’m sure.


So, am I telling you this because I’ve got a girlfriend who I want you to meet?... Quite simply, no. There’s no girlfriend. I’m telling you out of respect for myself. I’m being honest for the sake of my own mental health/self worth (which in all honesty has taken a bit of a battering). Because, after years of internal torment and shame, I think it’s time for me to be a bit kinder to myself. I want to be free to be who I am, completely. I want allow myself to love another human with no shame or regret. And, I want the people I touch with my life to see that doing just that (being true to yourself)... it IS ok!


Obviously Mum and Dad were the first to know this fairly recently (maybe longer ago depending which coming out attempt you count!). Their letter was WAY longer and WAY more emotional! I’ll be honest it’s been a long road. I say recently, but my attempts at coming out started years ago. The most serious of which was about 5 years ago, in an argument(!), and let’s just say it didn’t go so well (massive understatement!). After that I had to make sure I saved enough money and sorted myself and my mental health out sufficiently so that if it failed again I could be strong enough to stand on my own two feet. Because I knew I’d never be shoving my life back in that closet again, whatever happened. We’re getting there now though and I guess it just takes parents time to adjust to a different life than the image they’ve made in their mind for their chid. I get that. Most importantly, they love me, and the rest will follow. After all, it took me the best part of 10+ years to get my head around it and to accept myself so to expect that overnight wouldn’t be fair.


What does this mean? Well, I’m the same person you knew yesterday, only now you know one more thing about me. And that thing is simply my capacity to love another human. It’s just that human, when I meet her, will be a girl! That’s it. The reality is the whole ‘coming out’ thing is eternally awkward (it’s basically like announcing to the world what/who your sex life involves ). But, unfortunately society still creates a situation where this conversation is necessary, despite the awkwardness.


In all seriousness though, all this means is that one day there WILL be a girlfriend I’ll be bringing to meet you all. And, having told you this already, she won’t be tangled up in an emotional drama of me coming out! Whoever she is will just be super lucky to be part of our amazing, wonderful family ❤️


All I can ask is that you take me seriously and support my decision to tell you this. And I really hope this doesn’t change anything between us.


I love you all,


Your Niece, Cousin, Godmother... (and, hopefully still, your friend)


Signed *my name*

PS: Grandma, I have to believe your love for me and the bond we shared would have been (and still is) unwavering. You were an amazing lady with a beautiful soul and a heart bigger than anyone I have ever met and am ever likely to meet. Yes, you were traditional and old fashioned and I loved you for that. They say you would have been ‘devastated’ by this? But your kindness and your generous open heart shone above everything else about you, so I have to believe you would have been ok with this, given some time. I really do believe you would have been so happy seeing me happy and loved, even if that love was from a girl. You’d have got there, for me, I know it. I love you. Your infinite love made my world a brighter place, your memory still does. I miss you every day. x

 

Haha.... really?! But seriously, thanks.
Kind of what I was aiming for, to convey the degree of emotion involved in this for me. But without being overly dramatic or sharing too much. Hopefully they’ll only be speechless in a good way!

I’ve kind of made myself speechless writing this! After years of cutting and pasting and half written abandoned letters, I just scrapped everything, started a fresh and wrote this out in a couple of hours, from the heart. It’s made me feel physically sick and panicky for days. Got to write the letter to my parents yet and break it to them before this one to the family is going anywhere. So god knows what that is going to do to me!

Thanks for reading it anyway!

 

Thanks! Yes it certainly will be a relief when I eventually get there. Hopefully it was moving in a good way and not a over the top dramatic way! I kind of wanted it to capture the emotion I feel/have felt but not be too explicit or attention seeking. You want to be matter of fact about these things don’t you “it doesn’t matter who I love etc etc” but it’s not quite that simple when there’s so much at stake and years of built up tension and fear!
Yep this was a first attempt. I’ll definitely do the spelling and grammar check when I’m ready to send it. I’ll probably write it out by hand too to make it more personal. Not sure yet.
I’ll believe I’ve got courage when I send it! Hopefully I’ll find the courage to send this within the next few months. After I’ve found the courage to write to my parents and give them their letter!
Good luck to you too when you get there, it’s a hard road I know. You’ve got to want to do it for YOU, out of respect for yourself. It’s only by realising that, that I’m getting close to coming out after the 10+ years I’ve spent living alone with this. That why I want to tell my family even though I don’t have a girlfriend to tell them about. Because by not saying anything I’m allowing myself to continue living half a life, and that is not being kind to myself! I’m putting their comfort before mine and that’s not ok anymore!!? It’s taken me many years to get to that point though.