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Coming Out Letter - Doubting Myself?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Bee12, Sep 20, 2018.

  1. Bee12

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    Hey guys, a couple of months ago, I came to the conclusion that it was time for me to come out to my parents and I decided that the best way for me to do this was to write them a letter. You can read the thread all about this here: https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?threads/coming-out-to-my-parents-rough-week.472633/

    So, after many, many weeks of putting this off and being distracted by family and friends, I finally had a day where I was at home by myself and so I could finally get round to writing a letter. So, I would like to hear some feedback on this first draft:

    Dear Mum and Dad

    I am writing this letter because there is something that I have to tell you. I understand that you might be feeling confused or worried but I want to stress that everything is OK. I wish that I could tell you both face to face but writing this letter is the best way for me to say everything without getting overwhelmed by my emotions.

    What I want to tell you is that I am gay. This is something that I have known for a while and it was something that I first suspected 5 years ago. For a long time, I was very confused and I struggled with trying to figure out who I was. In search of help and advice, I joined an online forum for people like me where I was able to open up and hear from people who have been in similar situations. Through the support of this forum, I came to the conclusion that I was gay and I learnt how to accept myself and how to be comfortable in who I am.

    This gave me the confidence to come out to M and my friends but this was a slow and gradual process as this was something that I needed to do in my own time. I’m sorry for not telling you first but I wish I could’ve told you all of this much, much sooner. In fact, over the past few years, not a day has gone by where I didn’t think of telling you. However, the truth is that I was worried. I was worried that you would perceive or treat me differently and I was worried that things would change between us. The fact that we don’t really talk about these kind of things also meant that I was unsure of how you would react. But as I approach the start of my final year of university, I don’t want to feel like I am hiding myself anymore and I want to be open and honest with you.

    I wanted the both of you to find out together and I can only imagine how you must be feeling and if you need time to adjust, I understand. I just want you to know that this isn’t your fault and that neither if you have done anything wrong. I am still the same person that I was before you read this letter and ultimately this is just a small part of who I am. If you have any questions, you know where I am.

    Love you both

    Bee


    In terms of giving them this letter, I don't really want to be there when they read it and so I was thinking that I would leave it on their bed just before I go back to my university flat for the week and they can read it and process? However, I can't help but feel that I would be leaving this 'grenade' made of paper and that I'm just running away for cover... Also, I knew that this would be the week that I would write this letter, but over the past few days, I've been feeling a small amount of doubt and uncertainty. I know that I am gay, but it's almost as if the irrational part of my brain is trying to convince that I'm not completely gay maybe because of that once said, it's not something that can easily be taken back. But I think back to all the tears cried, the sleepless nights and the anxious thoughts and I know that this is something that I have to do sooner rather than later.

    Anyways, I'd like to know your thoughts and I want thank all of you guys for helping me on my journey <3

    Bee
     
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  2. quebec

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    Bee12.....That's a good letter. Did you have a chance to check out the Coming Out sample letters here on empty closets? If not,
    COMING OUT LETTERS: Go to the Login page, but do not login. At the top you will see some links. Click on "Resources". That will bring up a page with a box on the upper left. In that box you will see a link to "Coming out letters". Click that and you are there! I wish you much good luck...you can and will make it!

    I do think you should give it to them and do it when you leave. Let them have time to process the whole thing. You've fought with it for years, give them some time of their own to work through it. I'm so glad that EC has been able to help you through this time. Just don't forget that we're still here! You are part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care. Keep us updated on how this turns out.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
  3. Love4Ever

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    This is a lovely letter. I don't think it's cowardly at all to want to give them time to process it and leave the letter for them to read. I came out by text and it went well. I think you should give it to them. You should be proud of yourself. :slight_smile:
     
  4. peachy06

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    Really nice letter! I'm proud of you. I think I also had those doubts before coming out but like you said, if you've been thinking of doing it for a while then it's probably nothing to worry about!
     
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  5. Bee12

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    Thank you quebec, Love4Ever, and peachy06 for your kind words! It really means a lot to me...And I'll definitely leave the letter for them this weekend because I really cannot be living like this anymore. I'll come back to this thread once it's all done to let you all know how it went! <3
     
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  6. Rade

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    Hope it goes well bee12. I came out in August. I nearly wrote a letter, even brought a card. But in the end I phoned my mum. It was still difficult.
    The letter sounds perfect.....
    I thought my mum and dad would disown me but they didn't.
    Rade
     
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  7. Bee12

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    Sigh... So it looks like my plan to give the letter to my parents this Sunday evening is ruined. My mum doesn't want me to go back on the Sunday, but instead would rather I go back Monday morning. However, the problem with that is, is that my dad works on Mondays and so if I want them to find out at the same time, I would have to wait the whole day and I don't know if my nerves can take that. I also have to tell my older brother before I go because I don't want him to be caught off-guard and I'd rather he hear the news from me. To be honest, I'm panicking and I really don't know what to do anymore...
     
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  8. Love4Ever

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    I get you about the nerves. I knew I would get a fine response and I had to wait almost the whole day to text my mom. If you think you can possibly bear it, I would maybe try to wait. As for your brother, I think if you're close to him it is a good idea to tell him first. I came out to my sister first.
     
  9. Bee12

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    Thank you Love4Ever, I took your advice on board and I actually came out to my older brother last night, albeit not the way I wanted. I was planning on telling at some point before we left by having a proper conversation. However, I wanted to give him a heads up first so it was late at night, I was tired, we were going to bed and so I said to him "Hey, before I leave, I want to have a chat to you about something, maybe tomorrow?". I was expecting him to say "Sure" but my brother is actually quite stubborn and he was insistent that I told him there and then. He was trying to guess what was up but I was trying to give him details saying "Oh, it's something that our younger brother knows but our parents don't..." etc without trying to give the whole thing away. Fortunately, my younger brother was there saying "Don't pressure him, he'll say when he's ready" but I just had enough and I told him there and then. He was visibly shocked and I apologized for dropping it on him like that and I said if he needed time, then that's fine. Well, after that I could not stop shaking and I was annoyed that it didn't go the way I wanted. I saw him 15-20 minutes later and he said it was fine and that he just needed time to process it all. So yeah, not the best experience but all that's left to do is to tell my parents...
     
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  10. Rade

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    Well done, it don't always go to plan but it's out now
    Rade
     
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  11. quebec

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    Bee12.....It's okay! He accepted you! Of course he needed some time...you've had a lot of time to adjust and to accept who you are and he will need time to do the same. The big point is that he didn't have a negative reaction. A lot of the time how someone reacts to a close friend or relative coming out to them depends on how well the "secret" has been kept over the years. No one that I have come out to has had any idea that I am gay...even my wife of 37 years at the time I told her, 40 years now. She accepted me...we do love each other and are staying together! :old_smile: . Without exception I have gotten the "No s**t!, seriously?" response. Okay there was one coming out that I really cherish. I had made a real mess of trying to come out to a former student. I beat around the bush for a while and was just confusing him when and I finally said "What do you think of the LGBTQ Community" (that was a stupid thing to say) He paused and said "I'm part of it". At that point the only thing I could think of to say was "Me too". His eyes got really wide and then he grabbed me into a huge hug and started crying! I had been his teacher for 6 years in junior high and high school. By the time he graduated I was pretty sure he was gay, but he didn't come out until college. I have only told a few especially close former students and then only after I had retired. I don't think he ever dreamed that one of his teachers might be gay! So, give your brother the time he needs. Your parents will need time too. Your younger brother sounds like he is a real support for you...he could be the same for your parents. Think about encouraging him to help your parents understand and accept that in reality you are the same person they have always known...they just know a little more about you now. I wish you the best...AND keep us posted on how it all works out. You are part of our LGBTQ Family and we DO care!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  12. Bee12

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    Thank you David/Quebec! I was able to have a chat with my older brother about it all last night and he was understandably curious about it all and he was asking me about how long I've known and when I started telling people. He was very surprised that when I told him that I've kept this secret for the last 5 and a half years! It's kinda funny actually because even though he was initially shocked, he said that now that he's had time to think about it, he said that it does make sense that I'm gay and then he was telling me about the conversations he's had with one of his co-workers whose brother came out to them which was really cool. Well now I'm feeling quite sick because today I'm planning on leaving my letter for my parents so we'll see how that goes...

    And can I just say, it's really cool that your wife was so accepting and the way that you came out to your student and the way he reacted is really sweet. I can see why you cherish that particular moment. And don't worry! I'll let you all know how it went <3
     
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  13. Bee12

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    Well... I've just arrived home at my flat and I left my letter on my parents bed for them to find before I left. I'm quite nervous yet I feel relieved knowing that it's out there and that there's nothing more for me to do...
     
  14. Broccoli

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    I think you are really brave and should be very proud of yourself. Big congratulations and respect :slight_smile:
     
  15. Bee12

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    Thank you so much for your kind words Broccoli! Although I'm still waiting for a response from them so I can't quite relax yet...
     
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  16. Rade

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    Keeping my fingers and everything crossed it goes well....
    Rade
     
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  17. Bee12

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    Oh my goodness, I feel so relieved right now! Just had a chat on the phone with my parents and fortunately, they were really understanding and supportive!

    A few hours after arriving back at my flat, finally got a phone call from my Mum and she said everything that I wanted to hear. She said that she read the letter whilst my Dad was out for a bit (she's just nosey like that lol) and she was saying that it doesn't change anything and that she's proud of me for finding the bravery to tell them. Safe to say, we were both crying quite a bit. She then asked general questions about when I wrote it, who already knew etc. Questions then turned to my Dad and how that situation was going to be handled because my Dad was the one person that I was worried about.

    I told my Mum to just hand over the letter, not say anything and then phone me once he read it. Later, another phone call from my Mum and she handed the phone over to my Dad who basically echoed the same things Mum was saying. And then I was crying. Again.

    To have both my parents saying that they loved me and were proud of me was exactly what I needed to hear. I finally feel truly open and free for the first time and I want to thank all of you guys for your encouragement and support. It really has meant so much to me <3
     
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  18. quebec

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    Bee12..... Happy! Happy! Happy! Happy! :old_smile:
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  19. Bee12

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    Ahhh! Thank you so much!
     
  20. Rade

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    So pleased for you....congratulations
    Rade X