Coming out, is it important to you?

I don't see any real need to come out. It's a personal choice to do so, and I did because I had come to the realization after questioning for years that I am bisexual and felt those who matter to me should know. Have largely left it alone since because why bother? I live alone and don't do much when not at work, so why should I go out of my way to make sure people I only see for a few minutes a day to a few hours on certain days when our shifts align know that I'm bisexual when I'm not seeing anybody and their knowing I am won't impact their lives overmuch because I don't have much if anything at all to do with them outside of work. My family, certain dear friends, and should I start dating, my partner will know, that's enough for me.

You want people to know, go head. You only want certain people to know like I do, that's fine, too. There's no right or wrong here, methinks.

 

It was very important for me, I needed to feel free in public. Im very colorful so it was either out or hide my true self.

 

I never actually "came out" as I've always been out. That said? Being out is very important to me, yes, and I am not shy about correcting those that get it wrong (usually in a relaxed and easy-going manner). I would not enjoy living a lie or lying to others. Life is too short for all that extra stress and dishonesty and deceit to be a part of my life.

 

I would agree with Twist. Coming out is really only something I did with my parents some twenty-five years ago. Being out--everywhere--is very important to me. I'm me and I don't censor or hide it.

 

My family and close friends know because I wanted them to know the true me. Also it might be preparing them if I ever have another relationship. My luck I will have to explain it again. It also made me happy to tell them.

 

I never officially came out- everyone else knew before I did. That said, I think it's important if you want to live an authentic life. Many gay people do not want to date someone in the closet.

 

I felt like I couldn't keep it in any longer like I might explode if I didn't tell them. It was giving me anxiety so I told them:

 

Why do you feel weak because you want to stop hiding and come out? In my experience coming out requires more strength than hiding. We come out when we reach a point where the costs of staying in the closet exceed the benefits of being in the closet. It appears that you've reached that tipping point and are ready for the next step.

 

Reaching the tipping point....that id such a good descriptive...

 

This statement is loaded with homophobia and makes me sad. It's clear that she has chosen to hide herself from her family because of shame; it's not clear whether the shame is generated from internalized homophobia (she feels bad about being gay) or externalized homophobia (the family hates gays). Either way, this is not the sort of behavior I would idolize or model.

I'm not familiar with her situation (other than she does not want to hurt her family). If she's not out her choices are counterproductive per the next paragraph. If she's been out for some time, I get that not everybody needs or wants to make their daily life a pride parade.

Since you are still coming out, though the following applies to you and should help you understand why you should not feel weak, selfish, or any other negative emotion. People come out initially for themselves - specifically to share their secret and unburden themselves in the process. So much emotional damage is caused by having to hide who you are from the world and coming out starts the process of healing the damage. I go into more detail in the section Rediscovering yourself in authenticity in my blog.

Please don't compare yourself to her and feel weak or selfish. You are doing what you need to do and are strong and assertive!

 

About coming out? No, I don't really care. I never had the "urge" to reveal anything about me to anyone unless it was relevant to the current situation. That goes for my sexuality as well. I mean, I didn't "come out" to my parents until I literately brought a dude home and said we were dating. If someone asks me if I am gay, I will answer honestly, though I found just tell them out of nowhere. If I was to introduce myself in a setting where my sexuality would play a role, such in a forum like this, then it would be relevant to say it. Though if I was to introduce myself casually in a normal setting, like meeting someone for the first time, then it isn't relevant to go; "Oh and btw I am gay".

The reason I have never cared isn't because I am not afraid that people will not judge me. I know people judge me for everything I do or say, or even how I look. That is human nature. Though I've been witness to more than my fair share of unhappiness at the hands of trying to cover something up because you are afraid of what will happen if it is revealed. That pain, that annoyance and those problems will all arrive at some point anyhow. It is better to just meet it head-on, deal with and move on with your life.

 

I totally agree with SiennaFire. Coming out definitely does require more strength than hiding! Hiding is unhealthy.

 

Yes to the bolded!

The short version:
I don't think I would've ever "come out" in the official sense if it hadn't been for meeting, falling in love with AND being in a committed relationship with my girlfriend. I've come out in the sense that I tell people, "...and this is my girlfriend, M..." when meeting people.
I came out to my parents when I said, "Yes, I am seeing someone. Her name is M."

The only time I've "outed" myself to people in a "label" format is when they ask, "So you're gay now?" And I get to have the wonderful and educational conversation (rooted in love) of "That's not how this works..."

The longer version:
I've posted elsewhere that I knew I was "nonstraight" at 13. In college, I had flings but nothing I would put a label on. I was also living in a major metropolitan area, so I don't think anyone in my social circles really cared. I knew my parents would flip (at the time), so the comfort of staying closeted to them, and also feeling minimally restricted in my day-in/day-out was fine.

Later on in life, I contemplated "coming out" as my professional career put me in more advocacy and ally type roles (in Texas of all places). I wanted to show solidarity with the community and say, "I love you. And I'm one of you." However, at that point I was happily married (and monogamous) with a man who knew I was "bi" and generally didn't care. Again, I felt like coming out on a larger scale would just be weird for my (then) husband and unnecessary because "Why broadcast a sexual orientation that will be irrelevant in practice?"

*^^proceed to shorter version above^^*

Conclusion: Coming out seems to be less important to me than it is to other people in my life who are trying to understand me. That being said, I believe it would've been a lot more important to me at earlier points in my life. At this point however, if my sexual orientation is the thing that is more interesting to you about me, you're probably not someone I want to know.

 

Congratulations on this very important milestone! This was scary for me as well, and I discovered that today's generation is more open minded than ours, especially in the more liberal areas of New England.

FWIW - You are doing the right things based on what you've posted. I've been around this block, so I'm not going to pretend that it's easy, but it's worth it when I hold my BF and find joy in day-to-day living that eluded me before coming out.

I'll try to respond tomorrow to the details about her and your interactions with her.

 

In reading your posts, it seems to me that you are doing what you need to be doing by coming out to and divorcing from your husband, coming out to your daughters, etc. I'm not entirely sure where the self-doubt is coming from, other than using your ex- as a yard stick. You seem to idolize her and her choices, suggesting that her not having the need to tell people was something that you looked up to.

Here's my take (and yes this is a little harsh).

Your ex- is in the closet and is cheating on her husband. This is not something a strong person would do. She's not telling her family because she wants to have her cake and eat it too. This behavior is inauthentic and not something I would idolize. If she really wanted to live authentically, she could come out and leave the church before they had a chance to shun her. It's possible that she's stuck because she has a great deal of conflict and internalized homophobia since she was raised in this religion as a pastor's daughter and learned that being gay is a major sin growing up. Either way, there is no reason for you to question your choices because of hers.

While she is an important part of your journey, I feel that you should try and stop worrying about her so much, be there for her if she wants to talk, and look to find love with somebody who is single and available.