1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Coming out at Xmas

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Azza596, Nov 28, 2020.

  1. Azza596

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 8, 2019
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Hello, I often view the forums and think what brave people.

    However I now feel I am at a point in my life where I can possibly come out.

    I have a couple of questions, hopefully some people can share their thoughts.

    Is Christmas the right time to come out?
    I wanted next year to be a new chapter for me, or is this bad timing as people may not accept the news and I may ruing their Christmas.

    I am thinking of coming out to my Mother first then the family one by one. Or is it better to just open up to everyone?

    I’m a little bit of a late bloomer being 24years old. I have mixed feelings every time I think of coming out, nervous, excited...

    Thanks in advanced for your help and support. ☺️
     
  2. Spartan 117

    Admin Team Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2014
    Messages:
    950
    Likes Received:
    529
    Location:
    Isle of Wight, UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hello!

    It sounds like if you’re considering coming out, you’re pretty brave yourself!

    I wish I had some definitive answers for you, but honestly everyone is different. For example, how stressed do your family get at Christmas? It can be a stressful and emotional time for people, but it can also be a time when family comes together.

    You know your family better than anyone. Similarly, do you think one family member will be more supportive than the others? In which case maybe tell that person first so that you have a little backup when you tell the others.

    There is no right or wrong way to come out to your family. My advice is to make a little plan in your head for various eventualities: for if it were to go well, or if your family don’t understand right away.

    At 24, you’re still young and by no means a late bloomer when it comes to your sexuality! :slight_smile: Everyone’s different and comes to terms with it in their own time.
     
    musicteach likes this.
  3. Sparky2002

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2020
    Messages:
    58
    Likes Received:
    26
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hi! Personally, I came out to my mom first then my dad because I knew my mom would be the most supportive. If you think they will both have similar reactions, then maybe do it at the same time. Otherwise, I would come out to the one who you think would be the most supportive first, then come out to the other one. Also, try saying things like "Did you hear that some Americans are trying to ban LGBTQ people from adoting kids?" or like "Did you know that in 6 countries, you can be killed for being LGBTQ?" See how they react and if they seem at least a little sympathethic, you're probably good! Also, if they aren't super traditional or strictly religious, then they probably will react in a good way. Good luck!
     
  4. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,414
    Likes Received:
    4,526
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    This is true, but... if your parents are at all perceptive, it also is likely to tip your hand, especially if you've never made similar comments before.

    For most parents, it does not come completely out of left field when their kids tell them. They're surprised, but when they think about it, they're like "Ohhhh. Yeah, that makes sense." And for parents that might have had some reason to suspect, comments like the above will just fuel the suspicions.

    That said, I agree that it's individual, and that every person has to judge their own sitaution. Christmas can be a good time, just try and time it appropriately, like when people are getting ready for bed, rather than when they are sitting down to dinner. :slight_smile:
     
  5. musicteach

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2019
    Messages:
    519
    Likes Received:
    88
    Location:
    Mid-west
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Per the usual I think @Chip and @Spartan 117 have hit the mail on the head with this one. You know your family better than anyone so you tell us, how do you think they’ll react? I never really had to come out to my parents there wasn’t any fanfare. It was just hey y’all this is x he’s my boyfriend. Now with most of my extended family, I always knew they were homophobic and would say awful things about lgbt people and the community. So for me, “coming out” to them was as much of a protest as it was a f you type deal.
     
  6. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,459
    Likes Received:
    3,490
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey don't worry 24 is not that late. Everyone gets there when they are ready. As the others have said there is no right or wrong time. There are so many factors that go into it such as how you think they might react etc so it depends on your family but you will know when the time is right.
     
  7. Azza596

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 8, 2019
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Firstly thank you so much for the comments they have now given me some different views.

    I think my mum will be much more supporting and I will now tell her first. My step dad not so much he has made comments in the past being a bit “Anti”
    Is it fair for me to put the burden on my mum then arguing with my step dad about this?

    The extended family will be relatively supporting. So if all goes wrong at home I kind of have a back up.

    As one of you mentioned I suspect it won’t be a huge surprise to my mum I think she knows by some comments she made last year. But it didn’t feel right to come out then.

    Is it strange it feels right to come out now more than ever, it seems I have gotten loads of confidence from somewhere.

    Thanks Again
     
  8. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,459
    Likes Received:
    3,490
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    It's always good to have a back up, hopefully it is not something you will need.

    I don think you should worry too much about burdening your Mum. Ultimately this is your truth and if you are ready to tell her then you should. Anyone who has a problem with that well that is their issue to carry. It shows that you are a kind considerate person to be thinking about it but I feel you feel ready I wouldn't let it stop you.
     
  9. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,414
    Likes Received:
    4,526
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    There's a trope that basically says "Moms always know" and that actually seems to be true most of the time. Even Mary Griffith, the mother of Bobby in "Prayers for Bobby", who was vehemently anti-gay and never accepted her son until after he killed himself, eventually admitted that she had realized early on.

    So... your mom probably does know.

    As to whether it's fair to tell your mom... that's so individual it's difficult to say. To tell her and ask her not to tell your stepdad is a bigger issue that puts her in an ethical dilemma. And you may be surprised; often male parents make anti-gay comments that are basically an unconscious reaction to the realization that their son is gay, and that forms part of their own anger in the loss processing response (denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance). So you might be surprised. Also, if your mom knows (which it sounds like she does), it's likely she's already discussed it with your stepdad. So it really may not be a big deal at all.
     
  10. PatrickUK

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2014
    Messages:
    6,861
    Likes Received:
    2,241
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    If you are going to come out at Christmas I would suggest avoiding the build up to Christmas or the day itself. Even in a normal year the build up to Christmas is fraught and stressful and this year even more so. Introducing a topic that may be difficult (for the family) during the build up may not go so well and on the day itself most people just want it to pass without drama.

    If you wish to come out at Christmas, I would suggest the days after the 'big day'. This time is usually a bit more relaxed.
     
    zename, chicodeoro and musicteach like this.