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Coming out at 35 in NYC

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by nerdbrain, Aug 24, 2014.

  1. nerdbrain

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    Hi everyone,

    I am in really bad shape today. My wife and I talked some more last night about what's been going on. I think it's finally sinking in for her and I can see the pain she's feeling. I sense that I'm on the verge of losing my marriage, and I'm feeling really depressed and heartbroken. I know she is too.

    I am still deeply ambivalent, wishing for clear evidence that I am really gay so I can move forward aggressively, but I know the only way to get that evidence is to take risks that I cannot take in the context of our marriage.

    I can't help hoping against hope that this is just my OCD flaring up now that I am fully off Prozac. It feels like a flashback to my first "gay crisis" with my wife back in 2010, before I even considered the possibility it might be OCD. I was at my OCD group last night and told them what has been going on. They were supportive but it seems like they all feel that I'm trapped in a classic OCD "answer-seeking" loop.

    Sitting here now, I just feel a deep pain in my heart. When I think about losing my wife I sob like a baby. When I think about hanging out with gay people, I have this fear that I'll be very comfortable and friendly but feel no attraction or deeper pull -- i.e., the gay fantasies will continue to exist only in my head, and I'll be just as stuck as I was before, except now my marriage will be over.

    There's a site for straight wives of gay husbands (Gay Husbands / Straight Wives Marriage Specialist Bonnie Kaye). There are two mantras on the homepage that ring true for me:

    1. Life was never meant to be this complicated. Period.
    2. You can't fix a broken man, but he can break you.

    My life is too complicated right now. And I feel that I am starting to break my wife.
     
  2. nerdbrain

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  3. CyclingFan

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    Hold on...have you not had a pull or attraction to another man?
     
  4. nerdbrain

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  5. offmychest

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    well nerdbrain, full disclosure with the wife is best. i dont think anyone on here can tell you if you have HOCD or if you are in denial or if you are just afraid to be gay so you're pushing it off. what i can tell you is that you will not know really what you are unless you explore and if you're crying and upset and conflicted all the time because of wanting to explore, there's no way you can explore in your marriage. that's the risk you take. heck you may explore and realize, you aren't really that into guys and the romantic fantasy is better than reality. you may find that you love it and can't get enough of it. but during your exploration (if you allow yourself to fully accept yourself and explore, then you will have answers). that is very important to say "if you allow yourself". you can go through all of this and divorce your wife and still out of fear and anxiety keep yourself "apart" from exploring being gay and only put your toe in the water. so if you're going to do it, you have to bravely explore. exploration doesnt mean sex, it just means accepting and being ok with being around gays, going to gay stuff, meeting gays, telling people of your interests and attractions, etc. if you think you may end up in a stnadstill after "coming out" then maybe stay in. you're on a lot of serious meds so please seek the help of a trained doctor/counselor that can help you guide yourself through this.
     
  6. nerdbrain

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    Thanks @offmychest. I am meeting one of my therapist's other patients for coffee soon just to chat about his experience coming out. And I'm off the meds now except klonopin when I'm freaking out :slight_smile:

    I don't know why but this coffee meet seems more monumental than anything I've tried in the past. I guess I am really trying to open myself to the possibility this time.
     
  7. offmychest

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    Awesome bro
     
  8. nerdbrain

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    Thanks! So coffee went fine. I also talked to my friend and former boss today who's gay. The consensus is that I need to figure things out (genius right?)

    I'm in board with that. The only problem is what about my wife? Do I just cut bait now? Seems crazy to do that before having even been with a guy or feeling like I know for sure. The idea of ending our marriage feels like sawing off my own arm. Yet how can I explore in good faith while I'm married?
     
  9. nerdbrain

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    So, an update; it really helps to write out what's going on.

    My wife and I have been talking more about what to do, even broaching difficult subjects like separating. She's been amazingly calm and supportive, given the circumstances. I think it just really disturbs her to see how upset I've been.

    It's made me realize some things about our relationship.

    When we met, she had just gotten out of the hospital after a yearlong battle with a rare form of cancer that nearly killed her. She was broke and desperate in some ways. I had just gotten sober after years of drug and alcohol abuse, brought on largely by my anxieties about my sexuality. We met at work, and worked closely together for over a year before we started dating.

    Over the years she's become a lot more outgoing and adventurous, learning to ride a motorcycle and going on solo roadtrips, for example. She's taking flight lessons next weekend. She likes baseball and drinking with random strangers. Yet she's very feminine and lovely. She's kind of awesome and, frankly, all my friends seem to like her more than me. I suspect they wonder how I wound up with such a great girl.

    On my end, I think I've become more withdrawn over the years. I tend to cling to routines and avoid lots of circumstances that might trigger anxieties. Some people describe me as curmudgeonly or aloof. With my wife I'm very affectionate and loving; she is really my main source of emotional human connection.

    Anyway, as she has been flourishing, I've been withdrawing. It's been a source of tension in our relationship and has led to the few conflicts we've had.

    At some level I think she even wants to be free of me, which is good I guess since it would lessen my guilt at leaving. She's even noted that the kinds of guys she finds attractive lately are closer to typical jocks, whereas I'm as much of a nerd as a nerd can be.

    On the other hand, we have an intimacy that I know is very satisfying for both of us. She feels like home to me and I look forward to climbing into bed with her every night.

    Over the past few weeks, as I've been opening myself up more to the idea that I might be gay, I've noticed my sexual interest in her diminishing. This has been scary for me since for years, my ability to perform with women was a pretty key part of my identity and ego.

    I've also been noticing guys of a certain type lately -- shy, slightly effeminate, possibly twinks? This is also new; over the years my attractions to guys had no discernible pattern.

    As I read over what I've written here, it seems obvious that I am slowly starting to accept my gay identity.

    In the back of my mind I realize that the only workable solution is to separate from my wife and let myself explore, but this thought is incredibly painful to me. She is not only my closest friend and partner, but she has become a core part of my identity as well. I want to be the man that she deserves, and leaving to "go be gay" feels like a kind of pathetic failure.

    But at least I think she would be able to handle it, and I've managed to feel a bit less guilt about the possibility. It's still weird to live our day-to-day lives together. We have plans to travel over the next few months. We're going to dinner with some friends. It's some kind of weird limbo.
     
  10. Yossarian

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    It could be that both of you are just looking for "something different", her a more physically macho male companion, and you your first male companion. People DO get tired of the same old thing, and the clock of life has a finite amount of time to tick before it's all over. IF you are really bi or gay, and it was only the hetero sex with her that was preserving your self-image of being heterosexual, you will find that out pretty fast if you get with a guy who turns you on.
     
  11. nerdbrain

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    I talked to my wife again and we've agreed that she will move out for a bit. I offered to move but she said she would prefer to go. This was my apartment long before we met and I think it would be weird for her.

    I feel like I'm in total darkness right now, just fumbling around, no real idea of what to do next. We just watched a movie together and I held her on the couch. It felt good and "normal," whatever that means.

    I would do anything to make it easier on her, but I don't know what it could be.

    I'm still not 100% sure I'm gay but I have to find some way to explore and I don't think I can do it while married. I contemplated hiring an escort just to get it out of my system.

    This is just such a mess and I am responsible. I'm not self-pitying, just deeply sad and frustrated and confused.

    At some level it feels good to be taking any kind of action at all, and I imagine there will be some relief when she does move out, but right now this feels awful.
     
  12. offmychest

    offmychest Guest

    so with the separation do you all get to date other people or do stuff or is it just a period for you to figure out if you want each other? dont hire the escort or have "litmus test" gay sex. you'll regret it and it won't help you at 'tall.
     
  13. nerdbrain

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    I don't think the question is whether or not we want each other. We have a warm and loving relationship.

    The issue is that I have this other thing inside me that I've been avoiding/suppressing and somehow I need to express it and see where it takes me. But I don't think I can do that while coming home to my wife every night and acting like everything is normal.

    As for the escort, the idea is not for it to be a litmus test, but more like a strong push to action. I know that socializing with gay men is important, but it's going to take awhile no matter what. If I hire someone I can cut through a lot of "red tape." I don't expect that I would instantly say "That's it! I'm gay!" But maybe I might learn something from the experience.

    I already found someone online who seems nice and says he has experience with "first-timers." It just feels like doing SOMETHING, rather than continuing to sit around and think about it all day.
     
  14. Yossarian

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    "Escort" is an alternate definition for "prostitute". Most people have sex with prostitutes they hire, while others just want to have someone pretend to be interested in them and make social appearances with them for various reasons. Either way, the person is your employee for the evening, not someone who is interested in a real and natural interaction and relationship with you; you aren't likely to learn anything significant in this kind of situation where your employee is performing a service for a fee.

    What would seem more appropriate would be some kind of "trial separation" along with an honest explanation of WHY you want it and with the understanding that you are going to do some emotional and physical explorations with the same sex to resolve what your true orientation is. If she wants to proceed directly to a divorce or to give you the necessary rope for you to make up your mind, either way you will have informed her about the truth of your personality and given her the information she needs to decide what she needs to do in light of your situation and orientation. That is the fair and honest way to treat her, without any long term feelings of guilt on your part, because you behaved honestly and honorably.
     
  15. nerdbrain

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    Thanks Yossarian. I think you are right. I am grasping at straws lately...
     
  16. nerdbrain

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    So I'm planning to do the rentboy thing tomorrow and I'm pretty anxious about it. My wife is out of town this weekend and I'm planning to get a hotel room (don't want to do it in our home). I already found a candidate and let him know I'd confirm tomorrow morning.

    I have a feeling that whatever happens, I won't get any "definitive" answers about my orientation. I might not even be able to "close the deal." On the other hand, it might be useful for me to be with a guy in an obviously sexual context and see what comes up: anxiety, lust, or something else.

    A part of me wants to scrap the whole thing. Another part echoes my wife's sentiments: just fucking do it already and stop talking about it! We've had some honest conversations lately and I know that my indecision is killing her. It's worse than if I just said, "I'm gay, let's deal with it" -- at least in that case there would be an obvious road to go down.

    And yet I can't say for certain what I am. That is the worst part of all this. I've looked at it from every angle, consulted with therapists and experts, made some halfhearted entries into gay bars and stuff. Still no clarity.

    I'm ashamed by my own indecisiveness, and I feel paralyzed in a lot of ways. Somehow it seems that hiring a rentboy -- no matter how desperate or misguided this action might be -- is preferable to letting the weekend go by with no further information, no action taken, no news.

    This may seem like a weird analogy, but if you have a fear of spiders, you can lock yourself in a room with a spider and try to confront your anxiety. I have a fear that I might be gay -- perhaps it's real, perhaps its HOCD. But maybe if I lock myself in a room with a totally willing (paid for) gay man, I will be able to face that fear directly.

    Hring someone gives me a degree of control, and removes some other elements from the equation (I don't need to buy him dinner or worry about what he wants).

    I'm not sure if I'm looking to be talked out of this or encouraged into it. Just laying out what's going on inside my head, and we'll see if the internet sends back any responses...
     
  17. allnewtome

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    Just my two cents: In my very lengthy questioning period I'd had a few drunken experiences that did stop any questioning. So I brushed it aside inevitably it stirred up again (as it always did) and determined I set out to meet someone via a website completely sober thinking that it would give me the answer I was looking for.

    It didn't. The experience was 'okay' but didn't give me the aha moment I'd long envisioned. So again I thought that right there must've been the long sought answer but of course within time it stirred up the cycle of question again. It wasn't an act that changed anything for me it was acknowledgment and acceptance in myself. While I haven't had much luck since my acceptance any contact even as simple as a brush of hands while grabbing a coffee shoots an electricity through me that nothing would've a few short years ago.

    There are days struggle-the toughest part for me was understanding that there aren't always absolutes and while occasionally I'll still feel an attraction for a woman (usually when there's a connection) I'm rather comfortable with my attraction to men and content wearing the 'gay hat'.
     
  18. nerdbrain

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    So I went ahead and did it. Rented a hotel room and hired a rentboy.

    What happened was totally predictable. I was anxious all day. I got to the hotel room and tried to chill. He showed up and was very nice. I won't go into too much detail but basically he tried to make things happen but I didn't get too aroused and the whole thing just felt strange.

    We wound up chatting for a bit. After he left I took a shower and went home, where I am now.

    I don't regret it but I also don't feel like I got very much benefit either. I know that my anxiety clouds any kind of sexual response. But I also contrast that to my experiences with women -- I've usually been turned on right away and pretty aggressive.

    I am glad to be home now. Hotel rooms in Manhattan are expensive and so are rentboys.

    The saga continues.
     
  19. Eric Dave

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    Hi. I am at the point of extremem anxiety and doubt too. I know how you feel. I am so terrifed of being gay. I got the ocd diagnosis from Phillipson too. I am neurotic I do know that. I have fear of contracting diseases and stuff which preceded this gay fear.

    Anyway I never ever got turned on by guy in photos or real life before this fear started. now I seem to get this terror/arousal response seeing guys in photos and real life. The fear makes the experience seem very intense.

    Anyway all my sex drive fr girls disappeared too and I get these horrible reactions everyday too. It's driving me crazy. I never want to do it but I too think maybe sleeping with a guy is the only way to stop being afraid. Confront it and maybe it will set me free. I have read where hocd people get so messed up where they do what you have just done and try to experiment and it doesnt make things better. They stil doubt, question etc and are even more confused. I think this may be where you are now.

    Do you have weird fears in other areas of your life too? I had fear I had cancer, aids, ALS at various stages in my life. At least I could have tests done to prove I didnt where worrying about being gay cant be proven by a test and so the questioning never goes away.

    Would you believe when my girlfriend dumped me this all got much worse too. I really loved her and still do and would love her back and yet I fear I am gay and I would break her heart etc.(even though she did mine) :/
     
  20. offmychest

    offmychest Guest

    Guys if u get turned on by guys and want to have a relationship with them u r bi or gay. If guys do nothing for u and u cant see yourself in a sexual or emotional relationship with them then its probably your ocd.