Coming out at 35 in NYC

I don't think that porn is particularly useful to determine orientation.

 

Nerdbrain, a lot of what you're saying there is stuff I can relate to, paths I've been down.

I think I held out some hope too that it was "anything but", which is a little strange. The fact that my wife and I get along so well is maybe part of that too, although there was something "not right" there too. I even had the thought, "is this just some part of my subconscious 'making me feel gay' just to get out of a marriage that wasn't quite right?" Which really feels like a silly question, cause wouldn't being gay make the marriage not quite right? It's not like we don't still enjoy each other's company, though. And since I've been allowing myself to look at guys, there's been a lot of attraction.

I'd really rather be gay than mentally ill. Lol. But I understand exactly what you're saying, as I think that some of that worked that way for me too. Also, I think a lot of my anxiety stems from the amount of mental energy I have spent hiding my true self from the world and even myself.

I hope you can still enjoy the weekend. It does sound lovely.

here is the thread from right before and after I talked with my wife

 

Hmm, well, I guess not great. The last few years have been especially stressful for both of us at work, and I don't think we always dealt with that well. We both started exercising a lot more as a way to deal with it. It did help a lot, but sometimes left us tired. She has always been heavier, but now is quite an athlete.

I guess what I'm saying is, lots of times it was like 2 times a month, but I thought we had reasons for that. And maybe just being together so long. It was usually very similar each time too, so I guess often mechanical?

 

I don't believe sexual attraction is determined only by what acts you enjoy doing or not. Contrary to stereotypes, plenty of gay people aren't completely repulsed by the bodies of the opposite sex, and can even enjoy sexual activities from time-to-time. And if you've been taught to deny or repress those attractions from an early age, you might not even realize it until way later in life.

From the surface, most people would have seen my straight relationships as more-or-less "normal", but the problems came when we'd get closer. How to explain? It's like something was missing, and feeling a sense of longing and being trapped all at once. Now and then, you'd have glimpses into those "secret" desires and fantasies.

They surprised me, because prior to them, I had little to no interest in relationships and sex at all. Sure, I could become aroused by women, and even had feelings for them, but the raw, primal urge to chase after them was what was lacking. With guys, it's a whole other story - I actually want to go out and meet one, pursue sex and a relationship.

Marriage is another story, but I wouldn't write it off entirely just yet...

 

Exactly! Society says, "men must do this to have worth", so there was that. Every guy was getting laid in middle and high school, or so they said, but the only girlfriends I've ever had basically came on to me. Ego must have played a part, since my thinking was more along the lines of, "virginity is a burden, and this way I won't be the odd one out in those types of conversations." Curiosity was probably a stronger factor, though, as I was a late bloomer.

Wanting approval from same-sex members doesn't necessarily have to mean that, but if it's true for you, who am I to say it's not a part of the equation? But yes, it's a common narrative, for a gay/bi/queer person to have had sexual interest only in those they knew or formed an emotional bond with. It goes hand-in-hand with the whole "emotionally attracted to x, sexually to y" narrative.

I don't think my dreams or fantasies with men involved anyone specific, either. I don't relate to those school age crushes with same-sex members, like so many seem to recall on EC. One reason, I think, is because the type of males I'm into aren't generally popular, understood, or accepted by the mainstream communities. You get a lot of... traditional masculinity, while I'm into fem boys, twinks, "real life yaoi characters".. basically androgynous, slim types.

But yeah, compartmentalization is a huge part of it. Sexuality can seem like a puzzle at times, but it is the person asking those questions who has the power to define themselves in the end. Some have spent an entire lifetime searching for the answers, but we are a lot closer than many just by being here. (*hug*)

 

Yeah, I do chalk up some of that to the facts that we'd been together so long and the general stress that we'd been under for awhile. If you'd asked 5 years ago I would have had different answers.

We have little pet names for each other and inside jokes too, we get along pretty well and yeah, feels like a 'real relationship' too. I think cause it is of course a real relationship, just now one with a very confounding issue.

We still spend a good amount of time together. Yesterday she helped me go furniture shopping for my new apartment, and today is our brother in laws birthday and I'm on my way over there shortly.

 

Yes, she's been able to move along, or at least keep moving. It's not that it's been easy for either of us, obviously.

More than me, for sure, but I've got a few more things to deal with. She's been dating. Never thought I'd be giving my wife dating advice, but here we are.

 

nerdbrain Thanks so much for coming to EC and welcome. The others have shared some very good things with you. I love my wife too but if I would have been honest with myself and her at your age I would have avoided a lifetime of hiding, lying and cheating (but that's me). It's your journey nerdbrain and I'm sending you light and love to help you find your way.

 

nerdbrain it's not lame at all and it is definitely unfair at times and I'm proud of you for speaking your mind with us. Please don't worry about being bitter, sometimes life does suck. I'm not so sure it's about openness or honesty as you're not sure what's happening yet. It seems more a growing realization that something is going on within you that there aren't answers for yet. And that can be crazy frustrating for those of us who like to feel in control.

May I ask why you’re feeling guilty for something in your unconscious that has never been realized? Also I don't understand when you write about sounding like an idiot as you make complete sense to me. Sorry about the directness of these questions/statements as I don't mean to rude.

Life sometimes seems like it is a cruel jokester. But in reality you have the power to turn the "joke" into a positive. As to sounding like an idiot, let me give you the advice that I first received here. First give yourself some slack and breathe and second, take baby steps forward. I hope it helps you as it did me.

Nerdbrain it's your journey... no one else’s!

 

I can relate to all of that. I've always tried to live that way too, which is also why I had to take the steps I've taken. Even the ones that are brutally hard. Even the ones where I feel like an idiot for not knowing until now.

Sometimes I think that all of existence, all of life, is a cruel joke. I listened to a little of pete Holmes' podcast with Deepak Chopra on pretty much exactly that topic. The great cosmic joke.

 

Hey, so I thought a little more about your sex life question, and I think I have a better answer. I was mostly thinking about how often.

Really the more important things have to do with what we were doing. And while I did usually enjoy this, there was a whole bunch of stuff that we weren't doing that would make it more fulfilling. I hadn't quite factored in other guys though, or perhaps I was just getting that sufficiently from porn. Until I wasn't.

 

Hey nerdbrain, I can relate to almost everything you've written there.

This really hit home "I actually think the intense emotional pain I'm feeling now is an improvement over the numbness, addiction, and anxiety I felt for years."

That is quite a lot of how I feel, how I've felt and how I've dealt with my life. And it's very true that especially the last few days I've been especially emotionally raw, the positive feelings, the peaceful feelings have been there too. It's just the getting there that's been hard at times. But I do feel much more in tune with myself since I allowed myself to honestly open up to the possibility that I'm gay, or whatever non straight sort of person I am.

I hope things go well for you.