Coming out at 35 in NYC

Hi. Ive been told I have ocd (hocd) and am not gay but I am convinced I am.

I dont have any longing to be with a guy emotionally/love/cuddling etc..
I hope I never have sex with a man although I get groinal responses or arousals sometimes which make me wonder if I am gay or ocd. I never want to act on it in reality though.

I have been in love with two women including my ex girl who dumped me. Im still devastated by that 10months later. She didnt know of my fears about being gay. The break up was for other issues.

I grew up fantasizing about women, having sex with them looking forward to being in love and having sex with a girl.

I remember wondering what women see in men. I couldnt understand their attraction to the male body. i.e. those Diet Coke ads where a guy takes his shirt off. I couldnt get what was so hot about him.

But age 25 because of erection issues Ive been questioning and in a total fucking panic about ever since. Im 32 now.

When I see a guy topless and it catches me off guard I get a horrible terrifying arousal feeling (not an erection) but an erotic surge down there. Its simultaneously accompanied by sheer dread/fear.

I dunno if Im gay or not or ocd or not. Im 7yrs like this and have also seen that guy you mention in NYC. I havent been in therapy in 2yrs though.

 

I did the index cards and he expressed confidence I was straight. I hope he is not wrong but I fear he might be. I am scared of being gay and scared of my groin. I do not enjoy when it reacts in any way to men.

I was with a lovely girl for 2 yrs. I deeply loved her and still do. I had ocd/gay thoughts during our relationship and was afraid that I was gay and hurt her. We went away to a hotel one time and I went for a swim before sex and got a groinal in the locker rooms and this made my mood plummet and was in no mood for sex with her that night due to being terrified Iw as gay.

I would get an erection just talking to her or holding her hand sometgimes so always assumed I was sexually attracted to her and this gave me confidence to persue the relationship further. Then I would get a spike after a while and then start fretting I was gay and I would be worrying non stop.

I have been on a couple of dates since. I chatted up one girl but seemd to have no arousal to her and I started spiking. Then I was on another date with someone else and I felt a bit aroused just talking to her and then aroused when kissing her.

I have convinced myself of things in the past that were untrue ALS, cancer, aids so Im holding out hope that somehow someway this is another one of those things but I fear the worst.

 

P.S. The groinal response feels like getting a scary fright mixed with some sexual arousal down there but not developing into an erection. Its definitely not pleasant.

 

First off, I'm 35 and in NYC too - and recently (within the last 2 years) out - just look at the date that I joined, and everything progressed somewhat quickly thereafter.

I have to say that I think your therapist is full of bull. There is absolutely no way that you need to have sex to know whether or not you're gay - take it from me, a virgin - never had sex with guys OR girls. I also desire the deep romantic connection with a guy, I just can't see myself going there with a girl. The big part is that I am physically aroused by the thought of sex with a guy, not so much with the thought of sex with a girl.

So yeah, my therapist believes me 100% that I'm gay, and treats me as such. I once told him (early on) that I thought that I might just be confused about things since I've never had experience, it took him all of about 10 minutes to quash that idea from my head. I'm here, and I'm queer

As for the options with your wife, I think that the only answer is to have a hard conversation with her, no matter how much she might not believe you. You say that she knows about the "gay thing", but does she know that it's been persistent since you were 18? That to me is a huge indicator that this isn't just some manifestation of your OCD tendencies.

Hang in there, you've come to the right place!

 

No I dont have any longing for emotional love with men, romantic etc..

Cuddling a girl seems so nice and loving (which I have expereienced)

Cuddling a guy seems weird and inappropriate (have no experience and dont wish to either)

 

Dunno I am convinced I'm gay

Being gay (if its true) makes me so unhappy I want to die

 

do you want to have sex with a man?

when you see men that are attractive, do you think "oh that is an attractive bloake" or do you think "wow, he is attractive, i would like to do XYZ with him".

when you fantasize about men, are you fantasizing about relationship (non physical things). for instance, are your thoughts about going on dates with men, living with a man, or are your thoughts about him cuddling with you, kissing you, holding you. do any of these thoughts get your blood boiling in your "frisky zone"?

why do you think you are gay and why does the doctor think you are not gay?

do you ever self pleasure to the thought or fantasy of a man? have you ever?

does seeing a nude male body doing anything for you?

does the thought of a loving gay relationship make you get physical aroused?

basically my point is, if your thoughts are merely academic regarding gay and gay relationships, and it's not making in blood boil in your penile area, then this is likely some OCD thing for you.

 

ok. makes sense. you sound like you really like guys and that your'e bi. you want a loving relationship that is romantic. you sound like a great guy and will make someone very happy if you choose the guy path. just sort yourself out now, then tell your wife when you are sure within yourself. then embark on the next steps. there's no easy answer. no magic pill that will make everything better. you're married. so you have to decide whether you stay married or get a divorce to pursue men. its really that bottom line.

if it were me, i'd make sure i really want guys. id go to gay places and explore a bit before i made the final decision. i'd expose myself to gays to see if i really wanted it. i wouldn't have sex or anythign, just attend gay events and stuff to see what felt comfortable. then i would likely break the news to my wife. i couldn't keep it hiding for the rest of our lives. i would not have kids during this period and just end it if i new that my desires were for men and not women anymore.

 

a woman's love runs deep. it goes beyond physical most of the time and goes to something quite remarkable...a connection with the other person's soul. guys can provide that type of love as well but i will say that my gut tells me your wife will do the following:

1. she will not believe you since she is already making jokes that indicate she does not believe you.

2. she will hold on for hope. she has great reasons to do so. a well known doctor told you that you have HOCD. she will cling to that hope.

3. she may even support your "exploration" and gay submersion. however, in her head it will be in this way "ok, i love this guy. he has OCD and if this is what he needs to do to get through it by talking to a few gay guys or going to some gay areas of NYC, then so be it. then after a while, I will get my husband back".

4. when she realizes that the gay is here to stay, then frustration and anger will set it. however, she may be supportive as well.

i think you have a loving relationship with your wife. also you seem like a really nice guy and caring. you have told her this much and i get the feeling that as you start exploring the gayness more, you're going to feel guilty about lying to your wife about where you are going, who you are meeting, and what's really going on with you. so i say do the following:

1. seek out the new therapist and see what he/she has to say. do they confirm your HOCD or do they say you are likely gay? That will help you get a "second opinion" from a trained specialist before you completely tell your wife what is up.

2. once you hear what the new doc tells you and what your inner voice is telling you, then i think you should tell your wife.

3. if you think that you no longer want to be married to your wife becauase for this part of your you want to seek out a relationship with man, then i think you should end it now. If you think you just need to deal with his for self acceptance but you still want to be married to your wife until you die, then tell her that you need to do this stuff so you can settle the demons inside but that does not mean you are going to leave her for search of a male lover. if you think it's the former and not the latter, then give it to her straight. tell her that you love her and always will but you know that inside youve finally faced that you would prefer to be with a man and that it is destroying you inside and that you are not sure how much longer you can put up the front when you feel so conflicted inside.

---------- Post added 26th Aug 2014 at 09:36 PM ----------

i remember one time a few years ago i was in a bad place. i was in denial. maybe i was gay, maybe i was straight. ok maybe i should just go back to the safer option (women) and stop this crazy exploration. but then i was somewhere and i bumped into this guy and out of the blue he started a conversation with me. and guess what, not only was he simply beautiful, he was nice, a bit nervous, endearing, humble, and exactly what i would pick for myself. and in that moment while we were talking i felt something that i had never felt before really and if so, it was a long time ago....i felt BUTTERFLIES. sure i was physically attracted to him but the attraction was more based on how the interaction with him made me feel. he listened to me. he wanted to hear what i talked about. i listened to him. i wanted to hear what he said. we both smiled at each other the entire time we talked. i felt almost like my stomach was free falling. it was an amazing feeling and that's when i knew "ok, i'm gay/bi". because i had never had that feeling with any of the awesome women i have met when i first met them.

i tell you all that to say, that i think we all really know who we are and what we like and who we would really like to be with. but the "what ifs" and the results of the choices we make cause us to doubt. societal pressures do not help either. but at the heart of who we are, i think we all know but it's easier to doubt because it keeps us in a safe zone.

once question that you can seriously ask yourself is: if i had to pick an amazing guy or an amazing women to be with for the rest of my life and there were no consequences, no discrimation, no risks involved, which one would i pick? therein will lie your answer to who you are.

 

totally is. paragraphs breaks are cool .

you'll be fine. you are working through things. i can only offer what i think makes sense but im not married so my vision is a bit skewed.

sounds like you are on the path and that's great. keep up the great work.

 

Hi needbrain,

I can absolutely relate to both you feeling like you need to work out who you are fundamentally attracted to. Like you, I've also not had sex with a guy, but I can certainly look back at a lot of different things that might have been indications. What I've found is that once I opened myself up to the possibility that I found I had a whole bunch of new feelings of attraction. It feels like I didn't know what sexual attraction even was before.

I'm very fortunate in that my wife and I do have a very deep relationship. We came pretty quickly to the conclusion that divorce was the best option for us. And after the initial shock has worn off, we are realizing that there's still plenty of positives to our friendship that we are going to keep going with regardless. Not that hasn't had a ton of stressful moments and other tough times, but we do both agree that this was the only way forward. And that acting like it wasn't something wasn't going to help either of us either. I even asked, what if I'm completely wrong about this and I'm straight and we still agreed that the only way forward for us from here is the path we've chosen. Note that I don't think I'm straight, but a lot of different things run through your head during this process.

It's a tough decision cause it sure does feel like giving up a lot, especially for someone who I thought was pretty terrific. But it wasn't going to remain so, not once I realized these feelings and that I couldn't put a lid on them. And that I could see how doing so had hurt me in the past. And I think it still would have been the right decision even if she'd not been as accepting as she has been.

At any rate, I think you've come to the right place to talk about this. I hope it helps you find some answers. Also, I hope this isn't too rambly as I'm typing it from my phone and I tend towards that on this device. I did use paragraphs.

 

Well, at least part of who you should be impressed with is her too. I've been very fortunate in her reaction. It was still quite a shock and some days where I thought that maybe thibgs might take a sour turn, but we are committed to making this as easy as possible for each other. It's still ongoing. We do still hang out together occasionally.

For my part, I was completely honest with her, didn't cheat and I let her know as soon as I felt really sure this wasn't some passing thing.

I'm 41, we've been married 10 years, separated but not yet divorced. I was on this site the day I told her, so I'll see if I can dig that up. It was a Saturday morning, she seemed to get that something was up with me, so she asked and I told her that I'd been questioning my sexuality. Lots of talking, silence, crying, wishing it weren't a thing that was happening.

We are selling the house, I've moved out to an apartment. We both have still been supportive of each other. I dunno if it's "normal" but we have stopped caring about that. It's not the worst thing that could have happened and we can still be a great part in each other's lives.

I grew up in an extremely conservative, repressed catholic household. I know that I had some questions about it from a very early age, but it wasn't ever a safe environment for me to be honest. I think I carried that through into adulthood, and then had a couple of personal tragedies that also helped contribute to me not exploring it further. I can see ways in which this suppression has been harmful to me, as it's still come out of me but in ways that I didn't understand. I thought that maybe I could be bisexual, but that love was the most important thing and I have that with my wife so why aren't I completely happy. Heck, I might still be some part bi, but perhaps just reversed as far as primary attractions. I don't really think so right now.

As to when I really really questioned, that happened just this year. Like I said, I've always thought, well maybe. Like if I'd had an opportunity somewhere, then sure I'd try it. I'd left a job that was exceedingly stressful and moved into a different one that was going really well. I'd also been really working on dealing with my anxiety, so I was feeling very calm, and I was thinking "what can I do that will make the rest of my life better?" And I had some very gay thoughts pop up. But for the first time instead of cramming those down (or even being quite unconscious of them) I thought, huh, that's interesting.

Once I allowed myself this freedom to look at guys this way it's been pretty mindblowing. Really, what it feels like is that I never knew what it was like to be attracted to someone. Sure, I knew what a pretty woman looked like, and of course that that's what "I should" want to be with, but it's not even close.

Hope that helps you.