Hi everyone, I'm new here and this is my first post. I've known/suspected I was gay since I was 18 or so but have managed to repress it for a long time because I can have sex with women. But I've always felt something was missing -- many of you already know the drill. I'm married now to a wonderful woman who is my best friend, and the thought of hurting or betraying her is crushing me. I work from home; lately I've been sitting by myself and sobbing or screaming. I am filled with shame at the idea of hurting the one person who has always loved and supported me. I am so resistant of actualizing the gay fantasies that to date have only existed safely in my head. My identity is built around me being straight; I am terrified of tearing it down and having to make a new one. I often feel like a coward for not confronting this sooner. I live in New York City so the idea of being closeted can seem utterly absurd -- gay people are everywhere. But the pain I'm experiencing is real and intense, and I don't want to make life-altering decisions in a state of desperation. I yearn for gay friends, to be my true self around people who accept it. But honestly I don't even know what that true self is. Of course I'm in therapy, but that's only 2 hours out of a whole week of being alone in my head. Anyone who has been there -- your help and perspectives are greatly appreciated.