Coming out as Kinsey 4 - what about my straight relationship?

Hi guys,

This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to say. I was in therapy today, and I admitted, with the help of my therapist, that I wasn't straight, that I was either gay or bi. After thinking about it further, I think I'm pretty fairly at 60/40 gay/bi, making me about a Kinsey 4. This comes as a real shock to me, because my whole life I've fantasized about women and have been in relationships with solely women, but it's something of a Romantic pull to be with a man, and something that I won't be surprised if it turns sexual at some point. So the Kinsey 4 is a feeling I have more than anything else. And my therapist has been pitching the idea of me being "clearly" bisexual for a little while now. I started having these feelings towards men in the past year, and I am 27 years old now.

Here is my dilemma: I am involved in a LTR with a girl whom I love more than anything in the world. She is the dearest thing to me. We have earth-shattering sex. I even have trouble fantasizing about guys during sex with her, because I still remember how much I love women and because I love her. Though somehow, I still think the Kinsey 4 fits. I cannot see how I can live my life without her. She is my rock, my angel, the most beautiful person inside and out, and we genuinely love each other. We are a wonderful match. And both musicians who play together, btw. We have been together for 3 years, and living together for half that time.

So I want to know, do you think this relationship can work in the long-term, or will I develop such a pull towards men that it will make it impossible. Like, what if we have kids, and I get stressed, and want to seek out men? I am most interested in having a monogamous relationship with a person, and am open to raising a family with a man, if that's what feels right. But my girlfriend is amazing, we love each other, and I would love to spend my whole life with her if need be. Also, I still love the female body very much, physically and sexually too.

What has your experience been like, if you have had this experience, and is it doable, if so? Like, will we be happy in the end, which is what I want more than anything else?

One last interesting tidbit: my therapist, who has no sway btw in my decisions, has been married for decades to his wife and they have a son together. He told me today that he is on the gay end of the spectrum, and when I asked him if he had straight fantasies or gay fantasies growing up, he said that he was "different from me", and that's where he left it. Also, I asked him about extramarital affairs, and he mentioned that "he wasn't going to discuss that", giving me hints, but I am interested in a monogamous relationship. But he was able to make it work in some way. But I am also interested in the points of view of people on this forum.

Thanks for the long read.

 

Thanks everyone.

The thing with me and my girlfriend is our openness to each other. She knows everything, and we're taking the time we need to come to a practical decision. This is very hard for both of us, and she couldn't be more supportive. She knows I might leave, and she knows I might stay. So there is that openness. I think she would be ok with me talking about same-sex attractions, but that is hard for me to do right now myself. It's all so new to me.

I think time will tell how far on the gay-denial train I'm on. I'm excited to see. I just also do not want to lose this lovely person I have. So I'll give it the time it needs, but for the first time, more comfortably than ever. Who knows, maybe my therapist is right about me being bi and not gay. With his own gayness, he has experience with that. Maybe he's wrong too, so we'll see. But he's been surprisingly right about everything so far, to my shock.

 

Hi Ianthe,

So after another therapy session, it's seeming more and more like I am probably more gay oriented than straight. This is very hard for me. I still can't believe it. An entire adolescence and adult life of female fantasies, but I guess my relationship shed light on the reality. It really is seeming that way to me. I'm really grieving here.

Honestly, I think at some point, I may just have to become comfortable with being with a man. I'm sure I will grow to love it. It's just so hard to deal with it on the second day after really coming out to myself. I just always saw myself with a women from day 1, in every way. But I think I made a lot of it up to myself. Like, I found women really sexual, but now, the pendulum has really swung. I never would have expected it. I'm really sad, and sorry to say, freaking angry at this twist of fate. I know things will be ok, but I'm still really mad and sad.

My girlfriend is not from this country, and she is a student. She has to make a choice soon as to whether to stay here for another year or to go back to her country. Before all this, I was thinking I was just depressed and I needed to work it out and we could get married. It's becoming more clear that this likely will not be the case. But I love her so much, that to lose her would be tragic for me. She feels the same. It's been so hard on us. So I think we can have a year of a grace period living together. I'm sure we'll be intimate, but I don't think it will be the same as living with a man for me. And she needs a good lover too, though she is very satisfied already by our love life. But I think she needs a straight man.

It does break my heart to think that we won't be together. But I think that might be the way to go. This feels like almost grieving after death. But I know that life picks up afterwards, despite the difficulties. For example, my grandmother saw me today, asked me how my g/f is doing, and I told her she was fine. She then said, "I hope your relationship isn't temporary". I smiled and said, "we'll see", knowing full well that it might be.

:icon_sad:

 

Yeah, that's a really good point. We are both seeing my therapist Monday, most likely, to discuss this going forward. Do you think forming an attachment would be unhealthy, under these circumstances? I'm wondering if this might be that since this is new, I might be really strongly attracted to guys, but considering my hetero history, if it's just not something I need to feed every once in a while, whether through fantasy or even real life play. Like, will I miss women, including sexually, at some point when I'm fully with a guy, and will that attraction fluctuate back, since I denied it for so many years in the first place? And then it will be my biggest regret to lose her? What experiences have people had with this sort of thing?

If that is true, and she is open to it (possibly), would polyamory be the way to go? She already expressed interest in a threesome. Am I in the bargaining stages here or does this sound reasonable?

---------- Post added 22nd Mar 2013 at 02:31 PM ----------

Holy shit Sale, glad to hear that. That's tough to hear. God, I probably have a long path ahead of me. Did you experiment on those attractions? If so, how was it? And you are sure that this is the right decision for you? Are you 100% gay now? Or on the vast majority? Do you think my own denial could have been THAT STRONG? I ask, because I am facing the same questions. It's so scary. I can't believe all those years of lesbian porn and girlfriends and I'm gay/bi. I'm fucking shocked, haha.