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Coming out as gay

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Notsureatall, Dec 17, 2021.

  1. Notsureatall

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    It was so foolish me to deny myself enjoying gay sex for so long while fantasizing and masturbating exclusively to gay porn all the while.

    When I was in college my girlfriend lived in a house with five other girls and one had received a joke gift of a subscription to Play Girl magazine. They were always laying about the place and I could never resist looking at them when no one was around. Sometimes I would take big risks in doing this and I think a part of me wanted to get caught by them. Later when I got home I could not stop myself from masturbating with the thoughts of the beautiful naked men I saw on those pages. The thought of making out with those hotties drove me crazy. Every girl in that house greatly enjoyed that gift and I was right there secretly with them in doing that.

    To be honest I’m tempted to see if I can find any of those same magazines for sale online as that I could buy. It would be nice to be able to keep them around my house the way they were not hidden by those girls. ( when it would be appropriate to do so )

    It would give me a feeling that I finally became man I wanted to be deep down all those years ago. After college whenever I saw a Play Girl for sale in store I would think how fun it would be to buy it. Both the purchasing it at the register and the looking at it in private. I never did but if the Internet didn’t happen I’m not sure I could say this. I loved Play Girl as much most of my male friends liked Playboy. i say most because who knows maybe some of them were as gay as me.
     
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  2. eron

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    I remember buying my first gay magazines before the internet was ubiquitous. Walking up to the counter at the convenience store and feeling the adrenaline when I had to ask for it from the clerk. And then rushing home to check out the naked men in private where I could enjoy them to the fullest. These were the early, more significant steps toward acknowledging that my same sex attraction was more than just a fleeting curiosity. I was able to find a couple of those old magazines on the internet, and they were still a big nostalgic turn-on.
     
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  3. Notsureatall

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    It’s nice know I’m not alone in this
    And you got to do what I always wanted to do.
     
  4. out2019

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    I think this feeling comes during the 'denial' time because we want someone else to take responsibility for realizing we are gay. Often when people come here in denial they are almost begging people to tell them they are gay.
     
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  5. Contented

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    I wanted so much to be gay, be identified as gay by other but petrified by the idea of actually doing it.
     
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  6. Notsureatall

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    This is true but I think there is also times the emotional exhaustion of alway pretending you don’t like guys in that way sometimes causes you to eventually drop your guard and let hints slip out that you are a homosexual. I had myself fooled for a long time and thought everyone else too. Yet almost half of my closest female friends picked up on my attraction to men before I accepted it myself.

    One told me she noticed they way I would always act nervous around this very handsome guy we worked with in the same way many of the single women in the office did too. This is a friend I once told that she was crazy for suggesting I might be gay, We now joke that I was crazy for trying to deny it.

    To know and not know you are gay at the same time is not a fun place to be. I spent years likes this and it eventually lead to me being single and divorced. A year or two later I found myself flirting back with an openly gay friend. From that moment on my days of not knowing were over. This also lead to me liking myself I think for the first time.

    Maybe if I was younger I would have felt shame or regret after having sex with a man for the first time but I experienced none of that. I just simply loved it. He knew it was my first time having gay sex and was expecting me to become very cold right after he made me feel good. But as surprising it was to him that I didn’t it was not surprising to me at all. He was just as attractive to me as he was when we first started kissing. If there was any shame in me after it was that I didn’t start dating guys when I was in high school.

    If being told they are gay gives gay men internal permission to act on their desires I hope they receive this confirmation and start living a gay life in anyway they choose to go about it.

    Lots of men just so happen to be very attractive and it’s perfectly normal to see them that way.
     
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  7. out2019

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    Many guys feel like once they even have a hint of self acceptance it's like trying to hold back a tidal wave. When I first came here, someone suggested going to the mirror and saying "I am gay". I was not prepared for how emotionally overwhelming that was. I literally trembled with joy and an incredible warm feeling. How can saying three word do that?! After that, the damn started to burst.

    Mine wasn't that high but two girlfriends highly suspected it and I was terrified when they said it- it's like they KNEW what I was thinking about when we were having sex.

    :slight_smile:
     
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  8. out2019

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    I remember convincing myself somehow it would 'get better' or i would just tire of the 'fetish',or some woman would walk into my life so hot that I would become straight.
    But the opposite happened, I started to get more and vivid and intensely attracted to being with a man and interest in women faded to nothing.

    It's amazing how long I felt guilty about looking, denied I was looking, and to finally feel good about looking!

    Denial was a form of self hate. Though I might be still scared about some aspects of coming out, I feel great about being gay and accepting myself.

    When I was trying to come out I was hoping I could meet a guy that would just make it all happen. He would introduce me his gay world and I would be safe and secure and he would help me come out...
     
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  9. Notsureatall

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    Looking in the mirror and saying you are gay out loud is a wonderful thing to do. I cried tears of joy when I did it for the first time. It wasn’t scary seeing myself say the words. it was exciting. I was thinking now I’m finally going to have a chance to have sex with men or better yet have sex with a man who is also my boyfriend. Which lead me to follow up saying “I am gay” with “I want a boyfriend”. This too felt amazing to admit. I am so happy you felt this comforting feeling too. There is not question you and I are very gay and how cool os that!?! We get to have sex and fall in love with men! Something that was only a dream for us most of our lives.

    It would have scared me too if a woman I was having sex with thought I was gay. I would have definitely thought I let something verbally slip out loud while trying to finish.

    In my case my girlfriends were just friends who I must have let my guard down more around due to the nature of our relationship.
    Sometimes they would tell me things and follow it up with by saying you’re the only guy I would talk like this in front of. While in denial I thought they were just commenting on how close of friends we were, but I now know they were really saying I know you’re gay that’s why I can say this and not have you take it the wrong way. I was equally gay as I was dumb when I was around them evidently.
     
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  10. Notsureatall

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    The more I watched gay porn the more I fell in love with the male body. Every part of a naked man would turn me on and the more romantic affection they showed towards each other the hotter I found it.

    i went from watching girls giving guys oral sex and wanting to do what the girl was doing to watching porn that only had gay actors and wanting to not only go down on them but also make out with them and be held in their arms after they made love to me. I also started to notice the reason I liked the porn with girls preforming oral sex on men was not only did I get to see a gorgeous penis but also in many of the videos the girls would not be fully naked. By this point seeing them naked would work against my goal of being turned on. As crazy as it sounds to straight men and some women I even get turned off seeing naked breast.

    It is fun checking out a hot guy. If an in shape guy is jogging without a shirt on there is nothing wrong with getting a little turned on and enjoying the sight of his naked chest.
    Men are sexy you should notice them and feel good about looking. Personally I don’t like cologne but I love the ads for them.

    Are you starting to feel secure and confident to come fully out now? I don’t know if I’m there yet but keep taking steps to get there as I know it will make a happier person.
     
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  11. out2019

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    Yes me too. Denial becomes pretty hard when you do that. It still gives me a warm feeling.

    It was scary but also part of me liked that they knew.

    Yes! Looking back I had/have women friends who said they had a lot of gay male friends and I was their only straight male friend....

    I think it's because we just weren't interested in and even avoided female 'signals' yet were in denial.

    I remember once my girl friend performing oral sex and I was jealous....and the only way I could keep aroused was imaging how nice it would be to do that!

    OMG YES! I realized the only porn I liked was a (clothed) woman giving instructions on how to give a blow job.

    Yes. My strategy is to live my life forward, and tell people on a need to know basis.
     
    #51 out2019, Jan 14, 2022
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  12. Notsureatall

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    Did any of those instructions teach how to avoid getting a sore jaw while giving your boyfriend a blow job? This is a real thing that most straight guys are completely clueless about. If you have any tips let me know lol.

    That is great!!! To me being fully out doesn’t mean everyone you know or meet needs to know you are gay, but being able to freely acknowledge that you are whenever you want with whoever you want is a place I’m trying to get to. My other reason for wanting to be out more is I think it will make it easier to find Mr. Right. Getting remarried is something I want if I meet the right man. I believe my whole life I’ve always wanted to have a husband.

    I want to share my life with another gay man and let my effeminate true personality shine through more. Years of pretending to be straight has created this phony one that is hard to let go of around certain people. The effeminate person I am around my females friends is the one want to be around everyone.

    I would not say I am flamboyant or want to be but definitely closer to girly than masculine. I don’t want to be a girl or feel that I am one, but I can just relate to them on so many different levels. At least so many more than I can with my straight male friends.

    I am also looking forward to going out to dinner with a local gay mens social group and having a “gays night out”. This is what one of my girlfriends called it when I told her about it. Haha. After being in the closet for so long I really think a gays night out will do me some good. Us closeted gays need to let our hair down once in a while too!

    I hope the next person you feel needs to know you are gay is a super cute guy and he is gay too.
     
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  13. eron

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    Prior to self-acceptance, my fantasies and interest were mostly focused on a man's genitals. As I gained self-acceptance and began to more honestly embrace my gay sexuality, I found my interests expanding to a man's entire body, and then connecting a face to it, and ultimately embracing it all. Also, I found myself less aroused by porn and increasingly aroused by "real" men, and my fantasies have shifted to wanting to be intimate with maybe a guy I've met or would like to meet vs. some porn star. At times, I sometimes wonder if I'm "completely" gay, but all I have to do is look to past indicators and my present-day, exclusive interest in men and lack of interest in sex with women to dispel that notion. Although not overwhelmingly emotional for me, looking myself in the mirror and saying "I'm gay" certainly unleashed my desire to be with a man and achieve a comfort level.
     
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  14. Engdood1

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    Interesting. My tastes have changed also over the last few years. Like most I started off looking at gay porn etc but now I notice that on Instagram I get suggestions of pics of men with their shirt off or in a speedo and that turns me on a lot. It never would have let’s say 10 years ago I don’t think. Perhaps it is a part of the acceptance process?
     
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  15. Notsureatall

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    Moving beyond just wanting an man’s genitals and wanting men I knew in real life was an act of coming full circle for me. Looking back i had crushes on cute guys and they were always completely clothed and were most often onesI knew and even when I was in college checking out guys in a Play Girl magazine I wanted to kiss them and found their face, chest and arms to be an equal turn on to their penis. Although in fairness my favorite part to look at was those penises.

    But the longer I repressed my homosexuality the more I blocked seeing men outside of porn as being attractive. With the exception of the penis. Seeing them in locker rooms always made me horny. I can say I’m a life long big fan of them.

    But now that I date them and have sex with them and no longer just masturbate to them I can see many different types of guys as being hot. They definitely don’t need a perfect body like the men in porn. Like in the way many women look at guys sweet and kind can be very sexy and be a bigger turn on than a six pack. I am gay for the whole man not just his penis. A romantic kiss and cuddling up next to a man can be just as much fun as giving him oral sex.

    In my deepest stage of denial I think the only part I would fantasize about men would be their penis but that’s not how I started out being attracted to them nor is it how I am now. Despite finding out giving a man pleasure that way was more fun than i even imagined. Minus the sore jaw part. Still looking for tips on that, fellow gays ( joking ).

    So great you unleashed your desire to be with men and you are comfortable with it. I am happy for you that you are completely gay. I am too!
     
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  16. out2019

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    :slight_smile: it turned out I was pretty much a natural though I did pick up some nice tips....and I naturally wanted to swallow and loved the taste.:slight_smile:

    This was a key realization for me - when I accepted myself I had more fantasies about giving a blow job or imaging a guy pleasuring himself by giving me anal intercourse. I realized I wanted to do these things more than just 'get off' -with a woman I was just trying to orgasm and fight from going limp.

    It was also the hardest to accept that I wanted to be f*cked by a guy. We're conditioned to have so much shame about it. But with acceptance I realized I wanted to do this with a man I loved and now I think of it as a beautiful expression of love and bonding between us.

    After so many years of repression I think we seek out a lot of validating behavior. I now love when the friends I am out to refer to my sexuality, and as you mentioned talking with straight girlfriends about sex.
     
    #56 out2019, Jan 14, 2022
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  17. Notsureatall

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    So fun you can be proud of your blow job skills and tell me you like what happens at the end. Could you ever imagine saying those things while you were repressing your homosexuality? I know I never could, but I am right there with you now. Both of you loving the end result is what it is all about. When i read you say you like the taste I think of course you do. I like it too! It is awesome to make a guy you like feel good.

    I also think being very attracted to that part of a man’s body is a big help in being a natural at giving a guy oral sex. In truth when I do it, it is just as much for me as it is for him.

    I didn’t really have a hard time accepting the idea I wanted to receive anal intercourse though. My strong attraction to men made it seem intuitive to want to be loved by a man in this way. I was nervous about doing it for sure but always had that in mind when I thought about having sex with men. I wanted to experience that feeling forever and I felt so lucky when both of my boyfriends wanted to make love to me that way. ( note: I did not have the boyfriends at the same time ) It is great to give as well as receive.

    It is also great your shame of wanting to be f*cked is over and nice we can relate with each other how amazing it is to have sex in this manner. This talk could cause some of your straight girlfriends to scrunch up their nose and think eww, but us gays just see it as something we love to do. There shouldn’t be any bad feelings about wanting to take it up the butt. I enjoy this too and practically glow the whole next day when I get it up there.

    When done with a condom there is nothing better. I say because I love gay men and want as many of us to be around as possible and so we can be able to just enjoy the sex while giving our partners our whole attention without worry in the back of our minds. Not feeling regret afterwards is a big part of it too. Trust me you don’t want anything to interrupt the feeling of the glow. A wrapped up D is hotter to me.

    With all the thoughts about gay sex I’ve shared I’ve not said much about this part of it. As turned on as I can get by a man I want him to put it on before he puts it in. As I’ve expressed I really want him to put it in, but just not that much, and I’m more than happy to help him with it :slight_smile:
     
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  18. Contented

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    Many of us struggle with the heteronormative programming that a man must masculine while feeling completely different inside. Until acknowledging my homosexuality I play acted the stereotypical male. Did all those things a masculine guy is supposed and like. I didn’t and inside hated every minute. It wasn’t until I started to peel away layers and layers of toxic masculinity did I start to feel the real me emerge. That me was a very different individual from whom I had been in my straight days.
     
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  19. Notsureatall

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    I believe not letting my natural effeminate personality out was due to the fear people would know I was gay. Now that I love being gay I not only don’t mind them thinking this I hope that they recognize this is definitely the right assumption with me.

    Clearly not all gays are effeminate but I was very effeminate when I was little and mostly liked playing with girls more than boys. I can remember in 4th grade a teacher telling me on the playground that I should join the sports games the other boys always played instead of hanging around with the girls. I told her I thought that would be boring and what the girls did was much more fun. Now of course that even takes on a new meaning.

    Like being gay I’ve always been effeminate too and I enjoy this part of me just as much. The concern of losing touch with my straight male friends in coming out is fading. Like I’ve said I am not a girl but don’t mind when girls think of me as being practically one of them.

    That nine year old me would be happy with how I finally turned out and would love that he still gets to spend free time hanging around with girls and act like them too. If people think I’m girly and gay I now think so what. I am both of those things and all those years denying this couldn’t change it.

    I love having girlfriends as much as I want a boyfriend.
     
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  20. out2019

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    Never in a million years. I felt them but I could not admit I felt them.

    Yes! I realize I want c*ck -with a woman I was just trying to orgasm I would feel detached and kind of disgusted after. I found it very difficult to perform oral sex on a woman - it grossed me out, the sight of a vagina was not appealing...but having another man's penis in my mouth and feeling and tasting his warm semen was one of the most sensual feelings I have ever had.

    The only time I have 'done it' was when I was still in denial and drunk and what terrified me after is I literally asked for it. It hurt a little at first but he told me to relax and then it felt very good. Mind blowing.

    Yes and even overcompensating. Now I feel I can just 'be me'.

    I finally realize why I like hanging around girls but no longer forcing myself to get aroused.
     
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