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Coming Out as Bigender

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by schrodingers, Dec 7, 2012.

  1. schrodingers

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    So I've been recently struggling with the knowledge that I am bigender. I feel that I am both a man and a woman in a female body, and it's been hard trying to reconcile the two while coming to terms with my identity. I feel as though I'm at the point where I'd like to come out to my friends at least (who are a mix of both straight and queer-minded people), but I have no idea where to start. I'd had no idea what bigender even WAS until I explored it for myself, and I have no idea how to tell my friends that I'd like to start using a mix of he/him and she/her pronouns in certain situations. I'm afraid of being rejected, even though I had previously belonged to my friend group as a lesbian.

    Still, I don't feel like I can continue to pretend that I'm just a woman, when half of the time I feel extremely dysphoric and uncomfortable, particularly at times when I'm male and everyone misgenders me (unintentionally, sure, but it still hurts and makes me uncomfortable). I guess I want to hear from other bigender people or people who have experiences like this to know that I'm not alone and that others have taken these steps before me. ): Thanks!
     
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  2. Romi

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    So it's 1 AM here and I'm dying from a migraine, so I apologize for this reply being super short and not at all filled to the brim with awesomeness. However, I just really wanted you to know that you are not alone.

    I promise you. I know exactly what you're going through. I know it's tough, and it hurts like nothing else sometimes. People don't always get it. They don't understand. And you can feel unbearably lonely. But please...just remember that there are others going through the same things you are.

    Also...I noticed this is your one and only post.

    Welcome to EC. This is a wonderful place to come for things like this. I hope you'll stick around and see how amazing and support everyone here is. If you need guidance, opinions, are looking for answers, or just want to have fun or vent...this is the place.

    Never hesitate to ask anyone for anything. And above all else, remember, you're loved, there's always somebody who will be there for you, and you're not doing this on your own.

    <3
     
  3. schrodingers

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    I feel really silly right now but this comment has made me seriously tear up. (': I obviously don't know yet how other people will react when I come out, but my mind is only conjuring the worst. Thank you for responding to me. I feel really alone in my feelings, so it's nice to know that I'm not!

    And thanks for the welcome. <3 I was researching bigender identities and stumbled across this forum. I figured it might be nice to stop in and say hi, since you all look like such a lovely group of people.
     
  4. Romi

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    I'd like to think we're a lovely bunch, but not coconuts.
    Get it? Okay so that was lame.
    Anyway...I'm glad to hear that I could make you feel a bit better, reassure you. You're completely welcome. Like I said, I know exactly what you're going through. And when my head isn't exploding, I'll be able to take the time to get nitty gritty with you on the subject, if you'd like.
    I look forward to it.
    Take care for now. (*hug*)
     
  5. J Snow

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    Coming out is the hardest thing you can do. I feel like I've taken the approach of making new friends and getting a new support system instead of telling people. Its easier, but I have to deal with my family and roommates not knowing that I'm 3 months on hormones.

    If possible I would recommend you try to talk to a therapist, but just start small. Come out to someone you really trust. There's no reason to feel you need to take it any faster then what helps you feel more comfortable (*hug*)
     
  6. schrodingers

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    Yeah, I know... it's really awful because I already had to come out to everyone as gay. I can't imagine how hard it'll be to come out yet again. I thought about talking to a therapist; I've never been a therapist person, but this is a huge deal and I think I need someone impartial I can talk to about how I'm feeling.

    I agree! I have a friend that I've been wanting to talk to, but I'm really nervous about it. He's a transman who has a big personality and is pretty... egocentric, so I'm a little worried that he'll do what he always does and turn this into something about him. I don't know if I could handle that, since I'm already feeling pretty invalidated about my identity. But anyway, thank you for responding! I feel so relieved to know that I'm not alone and there are people who understand and care. :slight_smile:
     
  7. Cap’nSerious

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    Don't be ashamed who you are. Wear or act in anyway you want. Don't think about what other people say. It what makes you, you. Never be ashamed who you are or will be.

    Talking to someone who is caring and understanding really helps, like your friend. Don't be nervous around him, be who you are.

    I'm also here if you want to talk. I understand what you are going threw. Just message me!

    ~Josie
     
  8. Romi

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    I completely understand the hesitation of coming out more than once in the sense that you're coming out about different things. People tend to think that since you've come out once already that the second time should be easier, but that's not right at all! The second time around, you're coming out about some much more volatile. As unfortunate as it is, discrepancies regarding one's orientation versus what people think their orientation should be is much more readily dealt with and accepted than discrepancies concerning their gender.

    Like J Snow said, just take it slow. There is absolutely no need to rush these kind of things. Tell someone you're close to, someone you trust and can confide in. And I'll admit to having done much of the same that J Snow has, in regards to surrounding myself with new acquaintances who I know will understand and accept me. This is a good idea. However, you shouldn't ignore the issue with those who are already in your life.
     
  9. schrodingers

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    Right, that's how I feel about it. I'm worried that people will challenge it, and that I won't be able to explain what I need from them as far as this goes. Like, when I'm male I feel like I need to transition and need the correct pronouns used for me, and it hurts when people refer to me otherwise, but that's difficult. Ahh, I just don't really know how to handle a conversation like that, but. ):

    Yeah, that seems a lot easier to me than telling all of my friends, particularly the ones who are straight/cis and probably wouldn't understand what I'm trying to tell them, though I suppose I wouldn't know until I tried. Thank you, I appreciate the advice y'all have given me so far! I feel a little better about it, even though I'm still a little... scared.

    I think it would be easier if I felt comfortable with gender neutral pronouns like ze and hir, but I don't. May I ask what pronouns you use, Romi?
     
  10. Juliette1428

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    Hi! I'd just like to agree in reassuring you that you are not alone. I had (and still do to some extent) the same fears. I'm bigender too, but in a male body, and I completely understand how hard it is sometimes when you feel trapped in the wrong body.
     
  11. Nick07

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    Hi,
    I admit that my reaction would probably be, And what do you want me to do?

    Do you know what you want for your friends to change? Because if you don't tell them, it is probable that after your coming out nothing will change and you will be disappointed. If you said you were trans* it would be easier to understand and they could start using a different name or pronouns, but if you are bigender?

    Do you want to be addressed by different pronouns everyday (depending on how you are feeling that day) and your clothes should be the indicator and hint for your friends?
     
  12. shaved1nh

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    hello to all.....no...you, i mean WE are not alone.! 50yo very male appearing male with a wonderfully tender and sexual woman screaming to get out!!!

    i have known i have been "different" since about 13 when i would dress in my mother's clothes....wear makeup and put my hair "up/back" with bobbie pins......felt VERY comfortable until caught by my brother....then my.mother........that is when i learned just how wrong and cruel society was/is...

    when i would travel alone for work i would buy womens clothes and go to gay accepting bars and Guilynn would feel sooooo free!!

    now i live in small town nh....known by about 80% of the community......coach kids at the hs ... and i just cant walk out the door in my skirt and heels! lol

    good news......Guilynn is coming out.....but on a limited basis.....

    my heart pounds out of my chest thinking about it!

    going on T for medical reasons....hoping for gynocomastia effects. after weight loss and health benefits i am hoping to beging feminization hormones. end goal.is to bring forward a more neutral appearance which will allow me to flow in and out of both my identities...... am i wacked to try this?
     
  13. PurpleGrey

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    Well, seeing as it's been a year, I hope you are at least a little more comfortable with the idea of coming out. You may want to warm your friends up to it beforehand, drop hints here and there, talk about recent LGBTQIA issues, and see what their attitudes are. Test the waters, so to speak.
     
  14. Zoe Kay

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    You are not alone! And there are so few of us that it feels that much harder to find anyone who understands us mush less accepts us.

    I know this is an old thread but I felt it important to respond to make it easier for other bigender people to find community here on EC! This is such a wonderful thread and I have found nothing else like it for us here on the site! Thanks for understanding! <3
     
  15. beenthrdonetht

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    Hi Schrodingers! Both a wave and a particle, huh? You're obviously in the right place. :slight_smile:

    Oh yeah I see this is an old thread. Hope your location and speed are still well-defined!
     
    #15 beenthrdonetht, Sep 2, 2017
    Last edited: Sep 2, 2017
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