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Coming out and infidelity

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Ron961, Sep 15, 2022.

  1. Ron961

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    Hello everyone,

    I’ve posted a couple of times on this forum and managed to get some great help and advice. Thanks again for this. In the last post I’ve written I mentioned that I’ve dealt with a lot of insecurities and fears towards my wife’s colleague who happened to befriend each other.

    Well currently things have changed a little and my wife is currently my ex-wife as we’re going through a divorce. Reason is not her friend, but it’s my infidelity.

    I’ve had gay urges for the past 18 years (I’m 37 now) and met with men sexually since my 19th as well. I never met romantically as I’ve always detested these urges and rejected them. Meeting guys was always a secretive and discreet thing, as no friends nor then girlfriends knew about it. I’ve always led a double life: being straight to friends and ex-girlfriends, while meeting guys secretly. I’ve had four relationships and in all those relationships I cheated on either my girlfriend or wife, mostly with men. Not at all something to be proud of, but something that ruined my current marriage and made me realize what a kind of person I am. Somehow I never realized in the past what disasters, pain and sorrow I caused, as the guy looking for men is not the same guy who’s in the heterosexual relationship. At least, that’s what my brain told me.

    Now I’m not really sure which way I want to go with this story. Maybe I’m hoping for some recognition from some people, men who ‘ve been leading a double life for a long time as well. Any disorders this may have caused or troubles and problems you’ve faced.

    In April 2021 I ask my ex-wife to marry me and she said yes. I was madly in love with her by the time I asked. A couple of months after she caught me having contact with transgender prostitutes. I told her about my bi- / homosexuality struggles the last couple of years. She accepted this, wanted to help me and wanted to move on with me. I then also decided to get therapy to overcome my sex addiction, which I did overcome for the most part. Back then (and also years before) I watched quite a lot of pornography. Mostly straight porn in which I imagined to be the woman. Looking back now I maybe think that my sex addiction is caused by suppressing sexual gay urges but I now have to find out. Anyway, we got married in June this year after some damage had been done, but she believed me. In August this year I made the mistake of visiting a transgender prostitute and got caught again. Understandably, she left me.

    I truly have no idea how I can be so selfish, heartless, disrespectful and unscrupulous. I don’t even recognize myself, but when it comes to gay / trans urges and acting out on them seem justifiable to some extend. Is that because I’ve lead this double life for so long?

    Honestly, I’m confused, sad, lost and proper disgusted by myself and my actions. On the other hand I’m relieved, for I’ve managed to more and more accept my gay side lately. I promise myself I will never get into a relationship with a woman again, before I’ve figured out myself completely whether I’m gay or bi. I’ll start therapy shortly again (due to a low self esteem) and hope things will work out eventually.

    I came out to my mother as bi years ago. I told my dad after I got caught having contact with transgender women. Now I’m planning to come out to my brother and friends, and tell them the whole story. I want to become one person again, not a person with a double agenda and double life. I want to be transparent and open, not to be ashamed of who I am. I want to be kind, loving and respectful, not an infidel SOB that’s causing pain and tears. Overall I just want to be me.

    Thanks and love.
     
    Gayhusband likes this.
  2. BareBottomBiker

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    I’m struggling with the same thing in a long term committed relationship with a women (she knows I’ve been with men) which I prefer women I’ve only had a couple male sex partners in the last 5 years, but when I get the idea in my head I want a man it just gets worse and worse until I finally do it, stay strong friend
     
  3. mnguy

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    It sounds like you might want to stay in dating mode and make that clear with people. You want to play the field and not keep hurting others of course. A bunch of regular fwb? Might that work for you?
     
  4. justaguyinsf

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    It sounds like you use other people, whether romantically or otherwise, to distract you from figuring out and accepting your sexuality. It seems like coming out to your brothers and friends at this point without first figuring out and accepting yourself will just be another distraction.
     
    chicodeoro likes this.
  5. BiGemini87

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    I think it would be wiser to work on yourself and coming to terms with your same-sex attractions/urges before coming out to anyone else right now: one thing at a time, y'know? You've been struggling with your self-esteem and lack of acceptance for a long time, have acted unscrupulously as a result, and thus, have jumped from one self-destructive behaviour to another--don't you think you need time for just you? Don't you think you're worth the time it will take to grow and become the type of person you want to be?

    That would be my advice, though of course you're free to make whatever choices feel right to you. I just caution you to be aware of your impulses and to try and avoid falling into the same pits over and over. Take time for yourself, to work on who you are as a person independent of any relationship, fwb or otherwise. Put in the groundwork with therapy; set small, attainable goals to start, and as you achieve them, keep making more--bigger each time. Learn to be okay with the person you are and what that person is--be it gay or bi--before pushing yourself to do anything that might negatively impact that progress.

    It will probably take some time, and no doubt you'll hit obstacles that make you want to quit--but getting through to the other side is completely worth it, especially if it improves your sense of self and your relationships.
     
    chicodeoro and Rayland like this.
  6. Ron961

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    Thanks everyone! @BiGemini87
    You’re right. I need some time for myself and spend a lot of time and effort on figuring myself out and gaining more self esteem; or else I will keep falling into the same trap.

    Sometimes I’m really longing for an romantic, meaningful relationship but most times I am really happy on living by myself and having occasional hookups. Although I think these hookups will become less and less interesting as I become older (due to the shallowness of them as well as me becoming less interesting as I grow older)

    Firstly I need to fully accept myself. I will not come out to friends just yet, but I will tell them about my years of sexuality struggles and my double life. Because those are just facts. I know I’m not straight, I now have to figure out whether I’m gay or bi. And whether I want a committed LTR or a life of hook ups.

    I just feel that whenever I fully accept myself I will become more honest to other people, my double agenda will stop and so will my infidelity. It all comes from insecurities, low self esteem and a loss of identity. I hope better times lay ahead. I’ve wasted 37 years of my life already, not planning to waste any more.