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Coming out after marriage

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by JayEll, Jan 9, 2021.

  1. dirtyshirt84

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    Thats interesting. Yeah straight women don’t sleep with other women...haha. Although back when I first realised I liked women and was in a relationship with a women, having sex with a woman, I would probably have sworn blind I was straight at that point.

    I guess it’s hard to know why she freaked out, maybe she doesn’t even really know herself. I can totally understand all those conflicting emotions towards her.

    I think we all have a path not taken, I wonder about this too, often.

    I agree, it is liberating to be more open about it. A relief, almost.
     
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  2. Lavonne

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    Hi! You are certainly not alone. I am 43, have been married twice, have 4 children and am currently in a relationship with a man. I have yet to come out to him in entirety, just too unsure of myself. I do know that Im not attracted to men, never have been, but suppressed it my entire life. The signs I may be attracted to women were always there, but I never paid attention, just never crossed my mind til I came out to myself about 6 months ago. It just feels sooo complicated and at my age, just feels pointless in a way. In any case, I totally understand where you are coming from, its lonely going through this kind of transition and realization.
     
  3. SchmidtAC1

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    I highly recommend and lgbt friendly therapist. I’m a gay man who came out 4 years ago and still struggle with fully embracing this side of me. My friends and family know but I’m going through counseling as I want to fully incorporate my “past life” with my new one and bring partners home to them, etc. it is scary but talking to someone about it has been incredible in helping me with my thoughts and growth. Hang in there .
     
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  4. Ngale

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    @JayEll thank you for writing here and sharing your storie. I am (once again) going through same thoughts. I have very similar sitution as you have, two small kids and a long relationship with my husband. This isn't the first time I am going trough these feelings. I was here reading this forum and writing a few years ago. But back then I decided to bury my feelings and try to focus our family. But now I'm back here, whith the same confusion. If we hadn't the kids, I'd probably have made my decision already.
     
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  5. Kath64SEC

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    Hi there, I just wanted to say that you are definitely not alone. I literally could have written your post. I have just been through exactly what you have written. I am a life coach now specialising in sexuality and empowerment for women.
     
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  6. Kath64SEC

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    It is suffocating thinking about the upset and hurt but it is more suffocating living a lie for the rest of your life. Since coming out as gay, I have never felt so alive and more comfortable in my own skin, my husband is definitely happier and so are my children. They were suffering because me and my husband were struggling. I have also found the most amazing woman who I know is my forever. I am finally me.
     
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  7. Kath64SEC

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    I did the same for many many years but it just keeps coming back until you deal with it. I have just left my husband because I have fianlly accepted that I am gay and we (myself, my husband and the 2 children) are all so much happier.
     
  8. Lesbee

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    Yay!! My people!! There's so many of us!

    For context: I'm 40 and living with my male partner of 5 years (we don't believe in marriage). I have 3 teens, and all of them have known that I'm bi.... however, I'm currently questioning whether I'm actually a lesbian when my body totally shut off to him despite my brain's desire (and I've had crushes/girl sex/girl relationships in the past, AND have only ever fantasized about women, but always forced it with men because of religion, society pressures, and trauma response), so for ONCE in my life rather than forcing myself to do things my body rejects, I'm honoring my heart. My partner is 100% supportive. We talk honestly about all of this.

    @JayEll - When you said you're best friends with your husband - that you love him but you're not IN love - I totally get this. And honestly I might have myself convinced that I *am* in love, but I've always felt like he feels more strongly for me than I do for him. I feel like in my case, it might be more of a fear of losing and hurting a great human, more than that I feel like we're perfect for each other. And since this is the best I've found so far, how could something better possibly exist?

    @dirtyshirt84 - I too grew up in conservative towns and didn't know gay was a thing. On top of that my parents (despite 4 divorces each) were constantly dating so I just learned that the Ultimate Goal was to be in a lifelong M/F partnership, and a woman's job was to be sexy to make sure that happens. Ugh.

    @BiGemini87 - When you said all the repressed stuff comes up all at once & can make us wonder if we're actually gay... I wonder if that's what's happening to me. I've felt it before - I've wished so many times that I hadn't given in when I was outed at work and bullied in my 20s (OMG that was before I had kids, too.. my life could have been so different). Just in so many ways dating guys was just "easier" but not what I ever wanted. It was just familiar territory and didn't involve bullying, coming out to unsupportive friends & family, and once I had kids, I just thought they needed "a father figure" and two parents, and same sex marriage wasn't legal yet....

    @Iluvagirl - Whew girl that story sounded exciting but also sounds like you're right that you're probably better off cutting the cord. It reminded me of when I told my high school girl crush (who I was totally in love with) that I "kinda had a crush on her back then" and she freaked out and never talked to me again. While part of me is a little jealous you got to get laid first, I can't imagine how painful it must've been to have her freak out afterward - after you upended your life a bit and all of that. And also I totally relate to "I prefer girl sex to hetero, but also prefer being (with) a great guy than not". I don't want to lose what might be the best I ever find.

    @Lavonne - You said you've never been attracted to men & that it feels pointless coming out at our age... I feel that! But f*ck it I feel like we only get one life and 43 is still young!

    @Kath64SEC - Your story just gave me hope! I feel like the guy I'm with now is the best I've ever found and don't know that I could ever be lucky enough to find something as good or better. My plan is to go through therapy to deal with my traumas that might be causing all my questioning, and if it turns out that I am a lesbian, I will let him go regardless of whether I ever find someone better. I know I would have to do that for me. But how did you know...and how did you find your dream woman? I want to get some popcorn and curl up for story time. :slight_smile:
     
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  9. Kath64SEC

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    Popcorn and story time - love it.

    I had done exactly what you have done only ever fantasised about women etc. And 5 years into my marriage my body just shut down to my husband. Him being intimate with me started to make my skin crawl. I was also making myself quite ill mentally. It just got to the point where I was 99% sure I was gay so I put myself on a dating website. I clicked with one of the girls and we agreed to meet. I wanted our meeting to confirm that the 1% of me that thought I wasnt in fact gay and that I just needed to work on my marriage and get the spark back etc. was right. I was so scared of what this meeting might open up for me, But when I met her I instantly knew. It confirmed everything I had been thinking /feeling /wondering/questioning for years and years. I was totally gay. I felt so alive.
     
    #29 Kath64SEC, Feb 23, 2021
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 23, 2021
  10. Lesbee

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    Wow @Kath64SEC! You make it sound so easy to find your soulmate!:sweat_smile: I'm so happy for you!

    I feel so skeptical of something like that happening for me... I've always doubted my own self (and have learned that I should have trusted myself much sooner, so I should trust myself now as I question my sexuality too) but I just feel like it took me 35 years to find a guy that fit me this well... how could I possibly find a woman (or ANYone else) who I click with this well. My mind just thinks, "isn't it normal to have a dip in sexual desire? Don't ALL relationships have that?" Have you had any dips in desire with your current partner, Kath? How long have you two been together?

    Does anyone have advice on how to tell whether it's just a normal lull in the relationship that should be worked on (either through experimentation together or through therapy, etc) vs. a lost cause?
     
  11. Kath64SEC

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    Thank you. Me and my girlfriend have been together just over a year now. We haven't had a dip yet. In fact it's probably got better. The way I knew with my husband that it was more than just a dip etc is that in the end I hated him touching me. Not just intimately but anywhere. It made my skin crawl. And I just thought that is not right.
     
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  12. QuietPeace

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    The thing is that I have gotten this way with more than one person. In my case it was signalling that I had reached the end of my rope with THEM rather than with everyone of their sex/gender.
     
  13. Kath64SEC

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    Yeah I get that. This was just one element. There was alot of other stuff going on too and it had been going on for years but I had just been ignoring and suppressing it. I guess it was the accumulation of stuff.
     
  14. JayEll

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    Hi everyone,
    I havent looked on this thread for a while as things have been pretty all over the place.
    So a little update: a week ago I separated with my husband after realising I'm gay. We aren't doing it in the conventional way. Our plan is to keep on living together but in separate rooms and co-parent the kids until they are older. We aren't blind to the fact this will be hard along the way and might not work out but we think we have a good chance of making it work because it's the best thing for us and for the kids.
    We are supporting each other through it, we aren't arguing, we haven't fallen out, but we are having to adapt our relationship to this new norm which is really hard.
    I came out to my family and my in laws yesterday. They took it better than I thought they would and I think it helps them seeing we are doing it together. I'm expecting a big repercussions from his family because they cut us from their lives when I came out as bi a couple of years back. Fuck it though, it's their problem.
    This week has been the hardest of my life. We're making a new path and a new rule book and doing things our own way xx
     
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  15. Ngale

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    Your arrangement sounds something I've been thinking of. I'm pretty sure my husband would go with it, but I'm not sure would it be right or good solution for us. I would like to give our kids time to grow as a family, but at this moment I'm not sure how long I can be in this situation. I haven't actually talked with my husband about my thoughts of my sexuality, since we are having issues in our relationship due to other matters as well at this moment. Usually we do speak very openly to each other, but during the last year we have kind of grown in different directions.
     
  16. K80outloud

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    Same story in my house. Came out to husband 6 six years ago as bi, but last August started to accept that I'm gay. I asked for a divorce in October, and we've been in separate bedrooms since. All amicable, even aspects of the divorce. Actually, our relationship is the most emotionally connected its been in 24 years together, which is hard in some regards.

    We have to be together right now because I'm having trouble finding a job and our oldest is going to college in the fall. Finances keep us in the same house. He's being as supportive as he can (he's hurt), but it would be emotionally easier for both of us to be in our own spaces and connect more like the platonic friends we're becoming. Having done this for nearly 5 months, it's been challenging emotionally. I won't start dating anyone until we're in separate homes, so I'm lonely and feeling very stuck.

    Not trying to dissuade you.... I appreciate what you're doing. A friend IRL in our situation did not have an amicable split with her husband. That'd definitely be harder! Just to give you a heads up that finding support is crucial (EC has been wonderful!) My kids are also 18 and 14, so I'm starting in on the empty nesting process. When they were young, I hid in the closet.

    @JayEll I'm interested as time goes on to know how you move through living together. I didn't expect our separation process to be as long as it's looking like it might be, and I haven't read much about how to emotionally deal with this kind of living arrangement when the relationship is amicable but you're romantic/sexual partners anymore.
     
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  17. Lesbee

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    I can’t imagine going through this after 24 years together & raising kids to (nearly) adulthood. I’m so glad you’re living true to yourself - and I just really send you all love for how hard this must be.

    Again this just stood out to me - I’m only at about 3 weeks and can’t imagine 5 months. Especially during a pandemic where were mostly staying at home! Personally I feel like I just need some time to be alone, but I can imagine being ready to date and not having that opportunity & feeling stuck. My heart goes out to you!

    My kids are 18, 16 & almost 14, so I am just relating a lot to where you’re at! They all know I’m bi but I’m questioning whether I’m a lesbian and have been platonic with my partner (of 5 years) for these last 3 weeks.

    Please keep us posted if you find anything or just updated on your own experience. I’m starting therapy to understand what’s going on more, but it’s possible I may end up in a very similar situation, and I would appreciate any advice you have to offer!

    @JayEll - My heart goes out to you too with the young ones - I know they’re resilient and it may be hard on ‘em, but also really GOOD for them to see you living true to yourself. I hope things go as smoothly as possible, and please know that we’re always here for you! ❤️
     
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  18. lavalamp

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    I feel like many women who are married stay married after coming out and struggle with whether they are bisexual or lesbian. I know I don't want that kind of ambiguity and I have to find the courage to live alone and walk away from the life I made, but it's sad and challenging (I'm not young). I would love to make female friends who walked away from their marriage and lived openly as gay.
     
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  19. Iluvagirl

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    Coming back onto this thread after posting earlier. UGHHHH. So, I'm the one who fell in love with her best friend, slept with her, was ready to run off into the sunset with her and then she freaked out and we haven't spoken in two years, and I thought that was for the best. WELL. Through a (long story) accidental email that went out to my whole contact list in March--she replied. I must have stared at my computer screen in shock for minutes before moving. Since then, we began tentatively corresponding, apologizing, healing and restarting our friendship but nothing more. I don't want more from her---well, that's a lie. I want the fantasy version. The version I thought I might get years ago, the fairytale, the happy ending. But she can't give that to me and my head knows it. Unfortunately though, being in touch with her has reminded me that at one point, I thought there was a better life for me, a better love, a more authentic version of myself--and that I came within inches of getting it, but won't. Yesterday, I started reading UNTAMED, by Glennon Doyle, and I feel like she's writing from inside my head. For anyone who's read it, you'll get this: I see that I'm the cheetah. And that the only one keeping me in the zoo, is me. But I also feel her story is unfair. It's way easier to preach leaving the zoo when you have a loving cheetah waiting for you in the wild.
     
  20. Iluvagirl

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    @Lesbee
    :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye::smile::wink:
    I nearly spit laughing at this!! It's so true tho!