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Coming out after divorce

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Fuzzy, Apr 5, 2020.

  1. Fuzzy

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    How did you come out after/during divorce? Did you make it part of explaining your divorce, or did you explain it separately? I feel like I don't want to deal with too much at once... so "come out" about the divorce, then down the line, tackle the whole gay thing.
     
  2. LostInDaydreams

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    To your (ex)husband or in general?

    I didn’t want to deal with too much at once either and my ex was emotionally abusive, so he still doesn’t know. I guess he’ll find eventually as we still have contact due to our daughter. I think if that’s how you want to approach it and it’s not harming anyone, then that’s fine. You know your situation best.

    I’m not sure how it’ll go down with my ex as he’s still asking me to get back together (nine months after splitting). If your husband accepts that it’s over then hopefully you won’t have that issue. I don’t feel I owe my ex honesty (he wasn’t kind to me), but I do feel that not being completely honest has left him with some false hope. I’ve said no very clearly every time and I wouldn’t consider going back either way, but he obviously still believes it’s a possibility.
     
  3. Choirboy

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    My marriage was unhappy and toxic, but I was concerned about my ex getting full custody of our very young children, so I put up with it for 10 years. I eventually came out to her as a way of convincing her the marriage was over, not because I was desperate to find a guy or embrace the gay lifestyle. It did convince her we were done, but I might still be sleeping on the sofa now, 6+ years later, if I hadn't met someone I knew I couldn't pass up. That kicked the plans into gear, but we're still only legally separated because she doesn't seem capable of enough responsibility to provide for herself.

    In my state sexual orientation doesn't play into alimony or child placement and support. I would check on the legal ramifications of your actions first. And remember that if there are kids involved, or if you want to salvage some level of friendship with your ex, this isn't the time to be taking advantage of your newly found freedom and hitting apps and bars to make up for decades of lost time. You have the option to handle this in a way that may leave you able to retain some semblance of a relationship, and speaking as someone who had a very difficult marriage, you are still better off forging an awkward friendship than creating an enemy.
     
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  4. Fuzzy

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    OK, forgot to specify that my husband knows. It's everyone I'm thinking about.
     
  5. LostInDaydreams

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    What you‘ve said in your OP sounds fine. It’s your information to share, so just do it how/when you feel most comfortable.
     
  6. Fuzzy

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    I still need to figure out when to come "out" about the divorce as well. No one knows except my husband.
     
  7. LostInDaydreams

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    I assume your husband will have people to tell too, so won’t you need to agree timings together?

    Perhaps start with those closest to you? Children (age dependant), parents, siblings, close friends, etc. and work out to telling other people as and when it comes up.
     
  8. Fuzzy

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    Yeah, once we have everything filed, I'll discuss timeline with him, but I'm less concerned about that than actually telling people about it.
     
  9. LostInDaydreams

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    What specifically concerns you about telling people that you’re getting a divorce?
     
  10. Fuzzy

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    Mostly just having to deal with other people's reactions and questions. I have been dealing with things so privately that it's just a lot to have to slodge through.
     
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  11. LostInDaydreams

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    Yes. It’s a big change. I've never been a naturally open person and I don’t think I ever will be, but hiding my sexuality and getting used to that hasn’t helped. So, I get it.

    When I left my ex, I only had one person that I asked more questions than I was comfortable with and I just asked if we could not discuss my ex going forwards. You don’t have to answer anything and everything, so put up boundaries where you need to.