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Coming clean

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Jaimequestions, Oct 26, 2021.

  1. Jaimequestions

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    Hi all. I wanted to let everyone know that I have 2 accounts on here. I felt in the beginning I did not want to admit too much, but at a point I felt I was not being honest (InLife88). I created a second profile that more accurately reflects who I am. I felt under dannytheshing I got the answers I was looking for (shocker). I just wanted to come clean and say I am sorry.
     
  2. LostInDaydreams

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    Thank you for being honest with the community.

    This is a really big step. :slight_smile: I’m pleased that you’ve got the support that you’re looking for and that you continue to do so.
     
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  3. Chip

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    It's really hard sometimes to be vulnerable, especially about very personal things such as relationships, sexuality, and the like. And yet... vulnerability is at the core of authenticity, courage, and connection, so the more we learn to be vulnerable (authentic) with those who have earned the right to hear our stories, the more we begin to have confidence in ourselves, because we can stop pretending to be someone we aren't.

    Are you comfortable sharing the things you said that weren't authentic, and what the accurate things are, so that people can understand and appreciate the "real you"?
     
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  4. Jaimequestions

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    The thing that was not true was going on a date with a dude. I am 33 and I am confused by my sexuality. I have countless fantasies every day that make me wonder what it all means.
     
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  5. Chip

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    What might be helpful for you (perhaps in a different thread) is to talk about the fantasies you are having that are creating the confusion. Often, talking about them can be helpful in better understanding whatever underlying meaning they might have for you.

    One other piece that could be helpful is to look at your own juxtaposition between not wanting to admit too much (as you mentioned in the first post) vs. posting about going on a date that didn't happen. Exploring the motivation about why we say things like that can help us understand where our thinking is. Sometimes we make up stories to "fit in" or feel more acceptable. Other times, we create aspects of our lives that we wish were true. And still other times, maybe we're considering something, so we pretend we've done it so we can get reactions from others as a means of helping us decide whether or not we want to do that.

    Obviously anything that's untruthful is unhelpful both to the individual and to the community, but more important than that is, when we begin to explore what motivates our decisions to do these things, it gives us a window into our motivations, and then we can start to work on whatever the underlying issues are.
     
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  6. Jaimequestions

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    So for fantasies, I have several, but I will try to keep it brief. One is cooking dinner for a guy and he comes home to see I am only wearing an apron. Another is having a sleep over and discovering he sleeps naked, I make breakfast in the morning in the nude. Having a first date and they come back to my place.
     
  7. Chip

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    OK, both of those sound pretty normal. What about them is confusing to you?
     
  8. quebec

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    Danny......Thanks for your honesty with the community. We're glad that you are staying with us. That's the only way that we can help you and perhaps then you'll be able to help others who have gone through some of the same things that you have.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  9. out2019

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    This is super interesting and helpful!

    @Dannytheshining one thing that helped me when I was struggling and/or in denial... I asked myself about my (gay) fantasies.. if I had straight fantasies as intense as that, even though they were just fantasies would I think I was anything but straight?

    In other words, I was trying to dismiss them as something other than being the sort of fantasies someone has... if they are gay :slight_smile:
     
  10. Jaimequestions

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    In the time that I wrote what my fantasies are, I have given it a lot of thought. After reading what I wrote, I began asking is that what I really think? Things were normal for a little, but then I am back to where I started.
     
  11. Chip

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    When you say
    Can you clarify some? As in, what do you really think? And what does "back to where I started" mean?
     
  12. Jaimequestions

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    I was asking myself do I really want to be cooking a meal with nothing but an apron on for a guy, like in my fantasy? I was beginning to doubt myself. I also gained some confidence in my life and started to not think about men as much. Now I am back to wanting to get naked with a man.
     
  13. Chip

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    It seems pretty clear from what you are describing that you are gay, or at least at the gay end of bi. And it also seems that you are uncomfortable accepting that idea. Is that correct? Am I hearing you correctly?
     
  14. Jaimequestions

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    I would agree woth that. I just don't want to make any drastic decisions with what I have going on for me. I would feel like an idiot if I changed everything for genital preference.
     
  15. Chip

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    The thing is... it's way more than genital preference. It's who the person is and that's more than a set of genitals. It sounds like you aren't unclear that you're gay or at the gay end, but you're sort of paralyzed in fear of making a mistake. That often goes along with having self-esteem issues; when we learn not to trust ourselves, it's hard to move forward.

    So what if you just said "I want to give myself permission to experiment." You aren't making any commitment, you aren't saying you're gay, and you aren't doing anything irreversible.
     
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  16. Jaimequestions

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    If I wasn't married I'd agree
     
  17. Chip

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    Oh! So sorry! I forgot you were married. So no, you definitely don't want to experiment, and yes, I get that the stakes are higher.

    What I think I hear, though, still, is that you know you're gay (or mostly gay)... but you're really worried about upsetting the apple cart and completely changing your life. And that makes complete sense. You don't want to do that and then be like "Oh, I want my old life back."

    So I guess the question is, if we were to look at what you'd do right now if you weren't married, what would that be? Would you be going out with guys? Would you see yourself dating a guy, being romantic? And if not... is it that it simply doesn't feel right, or is it that you're afraid that it is what you want
     
  18. Jaimequestions

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    If I was not married. I promised myself after meeting my wife, at the time girlfriend, that if things did not work out with her I would go out with a guy and experiment. I often get caught up in the thought of what if... Also, I have looked everywhere for what emotional preference is. What I'd that?
     
  19. Chip

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    Emotional preference is basically a tumblr term brought to you by the evidence-free folks. Not terribly useful or helpful.

    So (forgive me if this has been discussed before) taking it back to the basics, if you are masturbating without porn, what are you fantasizing about (guys or girls)? When you're having sex with your wife, do you often/occasionaly/always find your mind wandering to thoughts about guys? When you're out and about, at the beach, the gym, anywhere where there are attractive guys and girls... if you aren't consciously paying attention, where do your eyes wander?

    Answering these questions can be helpful in figuring out where you are.
     
  20. Jaimequestions

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    Without porn it is guys or transexual. Sex is guys. I feel like there is one there when closing my eyes. Beach, usually girls, or a hot guy.