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Come out as loving Bears

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by deadmau5ftw, Sep 11, 2013.

  1. deadmau5ftw

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    So I have not come out yet, and I need some advice from some people who have come out and who like bears. I only like bears, i'm not into twinks, but to each their own. I have no clue how to say to my friends and family that I like big, muscly, hairy guys, ya know? It is weird thinking of telling my parents that, since the stereotype of gay guys is that they date skinny, flamboyant, and typically more feminine guys. (No offense to anyone) Any advice?
     
  2. Rakkaus

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    Um, why do you need to 'come out' to your friends and family about which type of man you like? All they need to know is that you are a gay, I'm sure they will figure out what you like in a man when you have actually started going out with someone.
     
    #2 Rakkaus, Sep 11, 2013
    Last edited: Sep 11, 2013
  3. Sardonic

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    Words of wisdom. If they ask, tell them you like MANLY MEN
     
  4. biggayguy

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    Why would they need to know you like bears? Are they going to set you up some dates? All they need to know is that you're gay.
     
  5. Owen

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    I've had to come out in both of the ways you described, and I did it in two stages: tell everyone I'm gay first, then tell them I like bears (the chubby kind in my case, not the muscular kind). Granted, that was mostly driven by me accepting that I'm gay earlier than I accepted that I like big guys; I can only speculate as to what I would have done had I accepted both at the same time.

    You don't have to come out as gay and as liking bears at the same time. I'm still "in the closet" about liking big guys to most of my older relatives and acquaintances. And though I haven't come out at work yet, I'd have no problem telling my coworkers that I'm gay (I put my volunteer experience as an admin here on my résumé), but I probably won't be telling them any time soon that I like big guys. Not in the work place, anyway. :slight_smile:

    But I have to respectfully disagree with Rakkaus and biggayguy about the necessity of coming out as being into a niche sub-culture in the gay community. I used to think of my preference for chubby guys as need-to-know information, and not a whole lot of people really needed to know, so I didn't tell many people. But being in the closet about the kind of guys you like can be very similar to being in the closet about liking guys in general: you have to watch the words you say, in case you say the wrong thing and give it away, and you stress yourself out over who knows and who suspects. It's not fun. And though coming out as liking big guys wasn't as significant for me as coming out as being gay, it definitely made me feel a lot freer.

    As for how to come out about liking bears, if you'd rather do it without making an announcement, you'll have opportunities to do so. People talk about who they think is hot not infrequently, so all you have to do to "soft" come out is not censor yourself from saying the same things in the same circumstances that other people say them.

    If you'd rather be more proactive about it, I posted a photo of myself wearing a t-shirt that says, "I heart chubby bearded guys," on Facebook with the caption, "And I'm tired of being secretive about it, so I'm putting this here for all to see." You could do something like that. Or you could just post an announcement about it and say, "This probably won't seem like a big deal to you folks, but I'm tired of feeling like I have to be secretive about it, so I need to get this off my chest..."

    [​IMG]
     
  6. tryhtwfr

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    That GIF you posted is an actor in one of a famous soaps over here, Eastenders :slight_smile:
     
  7. Lexington

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    You're in Colorado, so all you have to do is say "I went to the Wrangler last night". There - done. :slight_smile:

    ...oh wait, you're only 16. OK, then - "I can't wait until I'm old enough to go to the Wrangler". There.

    Lex
     
  8. Bear101

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    Actually, as a bear, Im appreciating this thread. Too often, I feel like I'll never meet a guy because I'm fat and gay guys don't like fat guys. (I know, I'm still trying to get over this). I'd like to recommend the movie Bear City. It's about a young guy who likes bears. The opening scene always make me laugh!
     
  9. BearLover

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    I'm a 19 YO guy that loves bears. I find a fat and hairy guy really attractive, especially when they have a hairy chest and are masculine. I'm dreaming of sleeping on a bears fat stomach.

    Even when you think nobody finds you attractive, some people do, you'd be surprised. :slight_smile:
     
  10. Carpe Noctem

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    First time I hear this stereotype o.o

    :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
     
  11. deadmau5ftw

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    Wow, thanks for all the responses!!
    Rakkaus, I have to agree with Owen, it is just weird thinking of telling my parents and friends that I like muscular, hairy guys (especially at 16), ya know? Maybe I am just being too paranoid.

    Owen, thanks so much for your post! It means so much to me knowing that I am not the only guy going through this!! The way you came out as liking chubby guys was AWESOME! Mad respect for you!! Thank you SOOO much for posting on my thread, you posted exactly what I needed!!

    ---------- Post added 11th Sep 2013 at 07:13 PM ----------

    Um wow, I just looked up the Wrangler.... I would love to go there!!!! :lol:

    Is it 18+ or 21+?

    It's nice having an admin from Colorado :slight_smile:
    Do you know of any all ages bear event or something like that? I would really like to immerse myself in the bear culture!!
     
  12. Lexington

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    It's a bar, so I'm assuming it's always 21+. But it's well-known as a bear club, even to people who aren't into bears...or gay nightlife...or gays, period. I was talking to a couple athletes who play in town on occasion. One was saying that he was peeved that the others seemed to get more attention from the ladies. Another responded "Well, you've got a fair amount of hair on your chest. You could always go to the Wrangler and get some attention." And all of them laughed. They all got the joke, even though they're all straight, and aren't even it town that much. :slight_smile:

    As far as "all-ages bear events", I don't know of any. And I guess that's not surprising. After all, "bears" are (by definition) guys with a fair amount of body hair, and that's almost exclusively something you see in people over 21. And it's specifically a "here's a body type I find sexually alluring" thing. To open it up to an "all-ages" thing would be more than a bit creepy, I think. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  13. Californiacoast

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    Well, I came out at the Wrangler, being a muscle bear myself (back when I didn't know what a bear was!) I have to say the bears at the Wrangler in Denver are amoung the friendliest people I have met anywhere. (not to make ya drool) Unfortunately for you, it is a 21 plus bar, and you are jail bait in their eyes, so not gonna happen for a few years. My first thought was when you were from Colorado and I thought you might be over 21, you could take you dad down to the Wrangler for a game of pool and then just mention you like everyone in there!

    The GLBT Center on Colfax in Denver might be a great place to get some ideas about Bear Culture and kinda get a "big brother" in the Gay community. It is an awesome community center. Check out GLBTColorado.org

    We have LAZYBEAR here on the Russian River in Northern California and there is SPRING THAW in Seattle, big bear events. The Wrangler has OktoBEARfest coming up, but again, you are a bit young. You really bring up a good point about guys underage who are into the bear community. Your local highschool football team? Rugby?
     
  14. deadmau5ftw

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    Ya true, I guess that would be, oh well I guess I will just have to wait! Thanks for the info!

    ---------- Post added 11th Sep 2013 at 11:23 PM ----------



    It's awesome to know that the bear culture holds such nice people! Ya, lol I do not want to land them in jail, I will just have to wait I guess! Oh well! That is actually a decent idea, taking my dad there! I'm sure he would be a little confused at first but I would find it pretty funny. Thanks for the idea of going to the GLBT Center, that is an excellent idea!! I would have never thought of anything like that!

    I mean considering a good 90% of the guys at my school are straight, I don't know about the football team :lol:

    Ya, I have not really heard of many people my age who are into bears. Most of the gay guys at my school date all the gay abercrombie models, so I have yet to meet another guy my age who is also into bears. I know I am not the only 16 year old into bears but it would be nice to have a friend who we can go and gawk at all the hot bears around Denver haha, I figure I could defiantly use your advice and I could probably find one at the GLBT center! Thanks so much!!!
     
  15. 2112

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    Nope, you're not the only one! But I also like twinks. I like everyone! :lol:
     
  16. deadmau5ftw

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    haha I knew I wasn't the only one! Good to know I'm not the only 16 year old guy drooling over hairy muscular dudes!!:lol:
     
  17. ilovebears

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    I knew I was into chubby guys as early as 6/7... and when I found out about bears a few years ago, I immediately knew this was for me.

    However, I identified as an aromantic asexual back then. There were a few friends I told about my aesthetic attraction to these men, so when I "became" gay this year, it was no issue for them at all.

    Also, I had a painting of the Bear Pride flag (my avatar) in an art show supporting marriage equality. It was a good opportunity for me to educate people about bears. I also set up a skateboard with bear symbolism on it. I did this before I accepted myself as gay, so those who knew about these two objects are (at least somewhat) in the know.


    I generally don't feel the need to tell people that bears are what I'm attracted to... mostly because I feel that people don't truly care about others' attractions.

    I will talk about them in the right circumstances, though... If people do suggest a guy, or ask what celebrity is hot, or something like that.

    ...
    Maybe I'm reading this wrong (and that is typical of me) - but I have the impression that some of you think that liking bears is shameful...? Or weird...?

    Why is it an issue telling people whom you are attracted to? I've always been forthright about guys I'm into, even if most people think I'm crazy (Zach Galifinakis is the prime example).


    However... This isn't an issue for me anymore, since I now have my very own bear boyfriend. I'm 100% proud of him, and he's more than twice my weight (I'm a very skinny otter). I'm excited for him to meet my family and friends, and they WILL know that we love each other ∞.


    Hope this doesn't upset anyone. I'm genuinely interested in this issue...
     
  18. Linthras

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    That's a rather sexist statement.
     
  19. Markio

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    I think it's more inaccurate/limiting. Masculinity is defined by culture; the world is multicultural.

    I was so into bears/chubs growing up that I wasn't able to realize that I was gay until college. Conventionally attractive men were so boring-looking to me. Therefore I couldn't be gay. Now that I know about the bear community it makes a whole lot more sense.

    I find it a little trying to be a chaser sometimes. I'm not in the bear community, yet the majority of people who look like me (thin, younger, less facial hair) will often openly condemn larger/fat men as gross. It's frustrating because it's invalidating, and because people assume that because there's only thin people around that it's okay to speak poorly of others. :dry: I don't usually bother coming out about liking fat men because people often just can't comprehend what it means to like a specific body type that isn't the norm.
     
  20. Lexington

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    No worries - more for you. :slight_smile:

    Lex