Well, I haven't been on here in a while. I can't think of a good reason why, although I have been very busy. Anyways, here's what's new: I have moved into college! Yay, I guess. It's a thing. I've been in my dorm for several days now, I'm quite pleased with it. Although I'm not necessarily pleased with other things. Like, my school is very vague and sometimes doesn't even mention the important stuff (I get a lot of unnecessary messages). And of course, moving from home was troubling. We had to split my stuff into two loads because my mom's car couldn't take everything at once. And leaving my friends, and them becoming more distant, and leaving my house, my parents, etc, really gets me down. I cried on the toilet the night before I moved in. Although I've been okay since I moved in, just a lot of anxiety and loneliness. But I've also noticed how people at this school are only happy when they have to be, or when they like something. Unfortunately, I'm not something worth liking. And I do feel as if the social climate here is not one I fit I to well. And all these people are already in groups, already friends. It's only been 3 days. Like, sheesh. I'm not very hopeful about making friends here. And it's not the same as the isolation I felt at home, It's like a new total isolation. There's nobody here. There's people everywhere, but no one to socialize with. And the few people who aren't already in cliques are just like me, awkward and silent. And I get the impression that I don't belong here. Like, people here look at me funny and refuse to talk to me. There will be a whole room of people, and nobody will even talk to me. Just stare, or quickly glance. Almost like home, but worse. Like, why do people look at me like I'm a terrorist or the grossest thing in the planet? I don't get it. And I start class tomorrow, but I hope my alarm clocks work tomorrow. They didn't go off this morning and I missed out on a tour of Boston as a part of my school's "Welcome Week" and I kinda wanted to go. I mean, me and my parents walked around Boston before I moved in, but I still wanted to go. The big thing is that my serious side is out in full force. I'm very serious and stern, and quiet. I just sit there and do what I got to do with the face of seriousness. And I still hate a lot of things. I especially don't like how pretentious and airheaded people seem to be here. And despite wanting to transition from day one here, I can't. I have to see my family once in a while and I can't risk exposure. I don't trust people here enough. I don't trust society. And although they are accepting of virtually anything around here, I'm still not comfortable. And being overweight is not helping my self-confidence. I'm like, the fattest student on campus. Everybody here is like, 100 pounds. Being 318 now really sucks. And for every person who does the whole "accept everybody and anybody" thing, there's somebody else (mainly the sports kiddies) who does the exact opposite. And I have a hard time buying what they're selling. And I don't feel comfortable being out as trans. I'm disgusted by myself, and people are disgusted by me. It seems that being out as trans, or trying to start my transition, would just make me seem even more disgusting. I don't want to feel even more rejected than I already am. And there's so many attractive people here. Or at least, people I think are attractive. But they all seem disgusted just looking at me. Or they really want the douchebags on campus. I'm already hating the people here, and it's only been 3 days. And I really want to get into a relationship, but nobody wants to even talk to me. And I don't even get a chance. I feel very alone and shunned here. And texting people isn't fun. Talking to people through apps and such isn't fun. I'm in a single dorm, and a permanently single life. I really want to find people and do stuff, but I don't get the satisfaction. I can't find a trans dating site that looks legit or trustworthy, people IRL don't want anything to do with me, and messaging is fading. I'm starting to lose what little social interaction I had. I feel like I'm fading. And I feel like I will, eventually, be forgotten. I feel no love. No care. No tenderness. No friendliness. Nothing. I don't know what to do. I'm lost. Any advice? Does anybody know anything that I could do? How to get a date, how to get friends, how to fix everything else that's wrong with me? I'm such an introvert, a recluse, a hermit, a loner, a reject. I'm tired of feeling lonely all the time. I just want it to end, and be happy.
Okay. I have a classmate who is overweight, and she's very shy. I tried to talk to her a bit, but she was unwilling, even though she looked like she wanted to talk. Now. What I think about it. She's short and overweight. I'm tall and a bit too thin. I might look like a model, right? What do I imagine was going on in her head? I think that she thought what you voiced in this post. "Oh my God, she's so pretty, she must not like me, I'm so ugly, i'd better shut up in the first place". No. No. No. She was a nice person. I like her. I even find her attractive. The biggest obstacle there was her fear of rejection. And you know what? I get the terrorist looks too. Bitch face. Everyone does. Some people just want to scare others and intimidate them. For nothing. No matter if you are on the chubbier side or look like a supermodel, if you're gay, trans, fem, masc, clever or dumb. It's those people's strategy to try to dominate. Just don't hang out with them. With socialising, I have this problem too. Many people have. And what I found to be helpful is: 1. Go to events, attend things like this adaptation week, eat with others, hang out in the kitchen or the TV room (if it's shared) and so forth, use oportunities to make friends, like asking about doubts you have about homework 2. Join clubs, have interests and share them with others, it bonds. Like music, art, sport, volunteering, board games 3. Be friendly. Don't be afraid and be friendly, even if the other person doesn't reciprocate. Some will, some won't, but it's woth it to try. You won't meet the cool people if you don't go out to people in general. And the uncool people are there too, unfortunately. If you spot such a person, you don't have to talk with them too much again. Offer help. Ask others about theor lives, show interest and compassion if needed. Be a good listener. Tell people nice things (complement) about what they do, e.g. tell someone you like the music thay play if they show you a bit or have a concert. Ask for help and be like "oh you're so good at it, could you help me?" Even if they can't help you, say you appreciate their input. And so forth. And dating is tough. It really is. For everyone. Don't worry.
