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Colleague still thinks I'm straight and it's getting awkward.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by lottaotter, Oct 20, 2022.

  1. lottaotter

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    I know I've asked something similar before but here we go again...

    I work in a team of four people- including me there's two guys and two women. I came out to the two women by weaving it into the conversation, and even though one of them maybe lacks a lot of understanding about non-straight people she doesn't mean any harm. The other one is very open-minded.

    The other guy I work with is not homophobic either, however I thought he would have worked out by now (nine months) that I'm gay. I can't really complain that the other two haven't told anyone else, even though I would have loved them to gossip about me in this situation!

    The thing is it's getting awkward. For one I want to be more visible. I am determined not to get re-closeted. I like everyone I work with and I want them to know this important part of me. Today this guy I work with who doesn't know I'm gay was talking about an actress from a film he's seen who he thought was really attractive (not in a creepy way, I should add) and I think the expectation was for me to say something along those lines too, but I just didn't know what to say! I don't want to pretend to be straight, but telling him "Oh actually [name] I'm gay/don't swing that way/etc. etc. haha didn't you know!?" seems like I've been deceiving him (and everyone else, even though they chose to assume, and not ask me). I also don't want to make it awkward between us, as I like working with him. I don't think he'd ever go out and actively harm gay people, but he's in his 60's and that can often (not always) mean more conservative ideas around gender and sexuality and also make people less comfy around people like me.

    My friend is starting a job at the same place soon- she asked me if everyone at work knows I'm gay and I said 'yes I think so' so that she'll just mention it in conversation and they'll find out that way... but is it bad/dishonest to do that?

    We're a very chatty and relaxed workplace so it wouldn't be considered inappropriate to mention sex/sexuality. But I never seem to find a way to get it into the conversation anyway.
     
  2. BiGemini87

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    Hi, @lottaotter! I don't think you need to worry about anyone thinking you're deceiving them; coming out to people is a personal, case-by-case thing, and it's a truth you don't owe anyone. Likewise, straight people don't have to announce their orientation all the time, so I think it's fair that the same applies to those of us who aren't straight; there's no daily quota for how often we need to mention it in conversation to remind people we're different. None of this is meant to discourage you from coming out, however, as wanting to be honest with people and stay out of the closet is a completely understandable thing--it's just meant to assuage any lingering feelings of guilt or obligation that might get in the way of you doing it how/when you want to.

    While you may have missed the opportunity to tell him during that one conversation, I'm sure other opportunities will arise in which you can come out organically. Or having your friend mention it in conversation when she starts at your job can work equally as well. It may seem dishonest because you're fairly certain this one guy doesn't know, but there's also a chance he does and he might have been subtly giving you an opening to say as much when talking about the female celeb he finds attractive. But if you are worried that you're being dishonest with your friend, you can tell her you're not sure about this one guy and ask her if she's willing to help you work out a means of telling him--or helping you to decide whether you should. At the very least, she and your other co-workers who know can be moral support if it turns out he's not as open-minded as you hope.

    I hope this helps! Let us know, if/when anything happens. :slight_smile:
     
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  3. mnguy

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    From that story about the actor, how does that show he thinks you're straight?
     
  4. lottaotter

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    Thank you. I often feel a lot of guilt for being less open and out than other gay people. My unique journey meant I came out to myself later than many (at least it seems that way) so I'm sensitive for it and keen to 'make up lost time' living as a gay man.

    I would be surrpised if he had no suspicisons at all that I'm not straight so maybe you're right and he was giving me the option. I'll try to be braver next time and say something. My biggest fear is not that they'll hate me, but that I'll make them feel uncomfortable by existing.

    I've decided I won't say anything to my friend. I think it's not a huge lie. I really would be surprised if there was anyone at my work who didn't at least suspect.

    Thanks for your reply.
     
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  5. lottaotter

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    Maybe this sounds like I'm over-explaining, or maybe it's a cultural thing I know since I only have straight friends (sadly) but when a guy talks about women he thinks are attractive I suppose it's normal for the other guys to chip in with who they find attractive, or whatever. It felt weird and like a breach of the 'social contract' not really saying anything to when he said that anyway.
     
  6. Cinnamoon

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    I'm too antisocial to be bothered enough to come out to my colleagues at work, but I do think you're overthinking this a tad.

    I wish you luck on your journey but you're causing yourself way too much anxiety over this. If the opportunity arises, by all means tell people who you are. But if not then you shouldn't worry so much about causing deceit or anything like that. It's technically none of their business anyway, so you don't owe them an explanation of who you are.

    It's hard I get it but just be you and don't overly stress about it, for your own sake.
     
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  7. mnguy

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    You could use the same "game" to say you think women are hot. Talk about a movie with a woman you think is hot to him and see what he says. Sorta joking on that, but you'll have a chance again and or talk louder with those who know. Let us know how it goes if it happens
     
  8. PJ208

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    I wouldn't worry about it too much
     
  9. PJ208

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    I wouldn't worry if the person at work isn't clueing in or not. First, you can 100% agree that someone is attractive if they are of the opposite sex. I see beautiful women everyday and comment on them, though I have no desire or need to have sex with them. It's ok. Maybe just give a positive response that ends in "they aren't really my type though since I'm gay"....be open and blunt about it, either they will figure it out then or remember what they already knew. :slight_smile: