I've found a group of gay guys who run together 3 times per week, and I really want to join them tomorrow, as I am in desperate need of community. I'm having real issues with (I know this sounds bad) being seen running with them. It bothers me that I still resent myself, and even though I've accepted myself, I'm still having trouble accepting myself in a new environment (the real world). If their jerseys weren't so openly gay, I think I'd have an easier time. I'm feeling guilty for not wanting to be seen with my own people - it feels pretty lousy, actually. I've been thinking that I may not be ready to do something like this, but when am I? I think I'll always feel like this until I finally go. "Get your ass out of the house!!!", I say. I'm nervous, and ashamed, and I don't want to be. OMG. How I don't want to be those things.
I felt exactly the same way. I was deeply afraid in college. I didn't even want to be seen looking at their bulletin board. It's an irrational thing you just get over given enough time. And when you finally do, you make beautiful connections with all the people in your new family. Also, as a runner, I strongly believe you should run with them. Even if they are visibly gay. That's kind of the point. Running is an end in itself. And people don't fuck with runners.
I'm not so much worried about people fucking with me, as I'm 6'4", 195 lbs, and a trained martial artist. I am more worried about.. fuck, I don't even know. I think it's the demons living in my head that I'm more worried about. In my pubescent years, I used very hateful self-talk, and planted a bunch of anger and fear. I'm afraid of meeting those demons, I think. I think I'm going, I'll just have to turn off my brain, and not think about the context of what I'm doing. Then, after starting to run, I'll realize I did it! I've had to do this trick before with other anxiety-producing activities (public speaking, introducing myself, etc).
You may as well do it. Its either do it or stay cooped up with how you feel. I say go for it and you will for sure feel better with yourself.
No, you don't need to turn your brain off. You need to be mindful of your feelings. I was consumed with a lot of fear and shame. I am not sure if it works this way for you, but it worked this way for me: I came to a point of acceptance that I was bisexual, but it was not accompanied by the comfort. I would freely identify to others, but I didn't want to really be visible. I made a special effort to avoid any feminine men, and if I saw rainbow colors on anyone, I was headed the opposite direction. I liked them all as people, and as queer people in the family, but I was so afraid. It's an awkward space between acceptance and actualization of your self. Internalized homophobia always finds a way to take hold, and we have to beat it down until it dies. At least, that was my path.
I never avoided gay guys, but I always felt like they could "tell" I was gay so I didn't form close friendships. After I came out to myself, it was like speaking and being friends with anyone else. Have you joined any groups? How did you get over your internalized homophobia in the self-actualization stage? I like the way you put it "awkward space between acceptance and actualization". It really hits home with me, because I feel like things have gotten way harder after they got way easier, after being way harder, just after getting easier.. etc.
I know that feeling, but I just went my first LGBT event about a day ago (battling nerves) and things turned out great.
No, I didn't join gay groups, although honestly, I haven't really had to. I've been able to find second family in the straight community. Almost all of the people I'm out to are at the local fencing salle d'arms. They knew it the second I walked in the door, but I was too scared to tell them; but ya, the coach and the senior instructor spent about a month hinting it was safe to come out. So I did. It felt wonderful. I still think I would like to, on account of the fact that I still feel culturally disconnected from other queer men even though I so identify them as The Family. As far as conquering my internalized homophobia, I just had to make some mistakes. The first one was when I tried to hook up with a guy in college (I really wanted to have sex with him), but when we actually got down to it, my fear took over. It was many things, not least the fact that I knew he was bigger and stronger than me, and I felt physically vulnerable to being dominated against my will. Probably the even bigger part of my fear was simply the fact that I tried to accelerate myself into gayness without having built a basis of comfort and identification with other queer men. I was trying to do something about my gayness, but I didn't know the first move... I'm not saying that's what you have to do. Don't get yourself in an uncomfortable situation. Don't chicken out or do unethical things. Just try to ease yourself out of internalized homophobia by just being with the other guys. I can hear their tales of courage, suffering, and everything in between. And you'll hear your own feelings echoed in their voices. Warmth, Adrian.
Thanks for all the comments and the thread....I have been struggling with the shame, and inner homophobe....just seems to get harder...
I came across a similar thing to you. I found out there is a gay running/walking club here, and really did think about going ... one side of me would really love to at least try, the other side keeps me away. A few main issues for me are: * I'm not out (I have no idea if they wear anything 'gay' or not .. but the thought of being directly involved with a gay group...well um, scares me) * I believe its more of a running thing rather than walking(which would more my thing) * Where they meet is some distance from me (both good and bad...good because its away from where I live, bad because it means driving more distance LOL)
Well it's because you've been hearing for at least ten years about how you're disgusting, sinful, and not normal. It's very hard to recover from that, but to the extent you can, you gain strength and resourcefulness over the average sister.
I felt the same way about going to these groups. I honestly had to tell myself that I WAS going and that there was no way of backing out. Make up your mind before you go so that you don't back out last minute. Besides what is the worst that could happen? If you don't like it you don't have to go back.
It's normal to feel uncomfortable at first, to experience fear and shame. For me, getting involved in the gay community is something I did pretty much when I was ready to be out to everyone. I joined a lesbian choir. I volunteered to be in an optional small group performance a few weeks after I joined, so very soon I was up on stage as a lesbian. It was definitely odd and awkward at first. But I promised myself that I would ignore any of that kind of discomfort, and sing anyway. It becomes less comfortable with time. If you aren't comfortable enough yet to run in public, could you find a group to join that isn't so publicly visible? What other sorts of things are you interested in? Anything that is done indoors? It might be less uncomfortable for you to make a smaller step first, before the public exposure. Ultimately though, I'd encourage you to do something that does make you a little uncomfortable, and tolerate it. When that is more tolerable, move on to something a little harder. Very often the difficult things are the most worth doing. If you can bear it, I think it would be good for you to go running with them. If you can't bear it, find something where you won't be quite as exposed, and try that first. (Part of the reason they wear the jerseys is because they used to feel like you do; the jerseys are their flag of conquest, if you will, over their own feelings of shame.)
