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Closeted husbands and the bedroom?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Voyager95, May 31, 2018.

  1. Voyager95

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    I have a question just out of curiosity. Is it possible for a married man who is actually attracted to men to somehow fool his wife, especially when it comes to the bedroom even after 15-20 years of marriage? Almost like masturbation, could he just use her as a means to "get off", with a disconnect using her just as a receptacle? Could the wife not suspect at all or would there have to be a certain level of denial on her part?
     
  2. Sawyer

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    Everyone has the capability to lie, so it's possible if someone were really closeted, they would seek out opposite sex relationships. I'm not quite sure about the whole "getting off" thing. I tried to be in heterosexual relationships, and even just kissing men for me was akin to kissing a wall. But that's just my personal experience.

    I think there is always a little bit of denial when it comes to partners.
     
  3. imperfect111

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    I always had the same question.
    Never understood it. Probably best answered by men who are in this position.
    I think the partner always knows and there are missing pieces of puzzle he or she connects later on when time has passed.
     
  4. Luke1818

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    I am in that position for 15 years- 3 kids. Things are getting really tough around 40 when the sexual orientation crisis is hitting you especially if you just met a guy in the same situation and realized what the real male intimacy means ... However its feasible- I never cheated on my wife - however nowcI need viagra to get perform ...if you still early in the marriage just let it go- you'll both be going through the hell
     
  5. Chiroptera

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    I believe the important question is: Is it worth it?

    If you aren't attracted to her, and you are a gay man, is it really worth to try to force yourself to have sex with your wife? Wouldn't it be unfair both to you (as you aren't as satisfied as you would be with a man) and her (as you are lying to her)?

    I know, it is extremely scary to consider coming out, especially after all these years with her. But if it is clear to you that heterosexual sex isn't working for you, it is worth considering a conversation with her about what you are feeling. Avoiding this can cause bigger problems in the long term - you being unhappy and unsatisfied, she being unhappy and unsatisfied (especially since you would essentially be lying to her)... Again, I'm aware its easier said than done "oh, just talk to her". But lying and trying to force a situation that isn't working, while it may provide some short term relief for you, may also cause bigger issues and make things even harder in the future.

    Check out the Later in Life section. You are not alone, there are many members in similar situations that may serve as an example of what I am saying.

    Consider talking to her about your feelings and being honest. You don't need to share it all at once if you don't feel ready for it, but she deserves to know what is happening, and both you and her deserve to be happy and satisfied, without lies and deceit.
     
  6. BiBarefeet

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    I've considered this question at times but in my situation, being intimate with a guy is a bit more sexually exciting and satisfying, but not so massively that I lose interest in women. However, due to various problems in my marriage I have lost interest in my wife. I was confusing this with my sexuality for a while and wondered whether it is because I'm actually gay...but a random conversation with a very beautiful and sexy forties woman recently made me very excited to bed her, and made me realise that my marriage, rather than my sexuality, is the root cause. But I'm not giving up on it, and I am aiming to do my best to sort this aspect out. It will not stop me from fantasising about engaging in homosexual acts entirely, but it will help to lessen it.
    But I have had a little trouble "getting it up" for my wife in the last couple of years, whereas with guys involving erotic or intimate scanarios it is instantaneous and lasting. So I need to get some passion and excitement back into my marriage. My wife knows I'm bi already, so it would not be a huge step in imagination for her to think that I'm gay. But I would probably end up with another woman long term if things did not work out with my wife. I guess it just feels more comfortable to be in a hetero relationship (which may also have internalised homophobia issues linked to it).
    As a side note, I find it interesting that if a guy says he is bisexual but in a hetero relationship then he seems to be more accepted than if he was bisexual but chose to be in a homosexual relationship - the likelihood is that he would be declared as gay then by his friends and family, even if he himself knew that he was attracted to women too.
     
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  7. Voyager95

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    Does your wife know you're taking Viagra?
     
  8. gravechild

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    You'd be surprised how many members on this very site have done the exact thing. In hindsight, a lot of women "know" on some level. Intuition. They can be just as closeted with the information they know, but figure the alternative, losing partner, splitting family, reputation, etc. isn't worth the trouble. Its one of those "open" secrets.
     
  9. Caraldo

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    My wife realized early on that I was actually struggling, but we were both scared of the truth. Eventually I couldn't even fake it anymore. If I was actually bi, I'm not sure I could have kept the charade up though, our list of problems is so much deeper than my homosexuality.
     
  10. Out and In

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    Hi... I am a gay man married to a woman and believe me it is so so hard to keep trying to show some interest in my wife sexually when all I want is to be sexually intimate with a beautiful man. I just have no desire anymore to have sex with my life and our sex life has completely died. Not even any kissing. The best I can do is hug and cuddle with my wife. Even though she is physically beautiful I just find it very difficult to get a strong erection with her whereas with a man it is instant and very strong and lasting. Deep down I feel she knows I’m gay but neither of us are able to take any steps to deal with it, especially me. I really hope it come to a head soon and I know I just have to tell her.
     
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  11. BiBarefeet

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    I feel you buddy, it is tough. Even though I'm not at a stage where I just want it over with my wife (I actually want to make it work) I totally get your feelings and how it can bring on moods, depression, confusion and a feeling of sadness and occasional helplessness.
    We are here for each other. It's not a real, physical, homosexual relationship, but we are all friends and comrades here, shoulders to cry on etc. Keep strong x
     
  12. Caraldo

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    I was there too. My wife knew I liked men, but didn't want to lose the security of having a husband. Now she thought I was bi, even though for years I told her that I was much more interested in men. I loved her enough to work at performing for her. Eventually though, it became damaging to the both of us. She took my lack of interest as a statement about her attractiveness. You owe it to your wife and yourself to put this on the table, so she knows the sexual issues are not her fault.
     
    #12 Caraldo, Jun 4, 2018
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2018
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  13. I'm gay

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    The simple answer is yes. Many gay husbands here can attest to our wives not having a clue.

    For me, I was able to enjoy sex with my wife for many years, if a bit infrequently. When you're young, it's not difficult to become aroused just by touch alone. By the time I hit my late 30s into my 40s, however, my ability to be aroused and stay aroused for intercourse waned. Eventually I was no longer able to have sex at all with her. So why didn't she have a clue then? Because she internalized what was happening, and we didn't talk about it. She thought my lack of desire was a lack of desire FOR HER. She thought the issue meant that I was no longer attracted to her, that she was too fat, too old, too ugly, too.... whatever self-criticism she used for the day. I didn't understand that she was internalizing our sexual issues as being her issue. It wasn't until I came out that she realized the problem never was about her.

    To your specific question about the husband using his wife as a receptacle and "getting off": I suppose there are men out there capable of using a woman in that fashion, but I don't think it's the norm. Remember, most of us gay men who are/were married to women have been deeply closeted and in denial. I wasn't using my wife as a receptacle for my sexual urges because I really did think that I was meant to be with her - and that I was going to be with her for the rest of my life. I really wanted to be straight and "normal" so I did all the things I thought straight guys were supposed to do. So, while I don't think of it as "using" her, I can say that for me it was more of a "performance" rather than feeling authentic.

    One last thought - I didn't identify as gay until I was 45 years old (I came out at 47). I think it would have been extremely difficult to have sex and be in a relationship with her if I had actually identified as gay back then. I thought of myself as straight, perhaps a little bisexual, or I reduced my homosexuality to a "fetish" in my mind, kind of like saying "I'm not gay, I just have this little gay fetish thing." It's amazing what the mind can do.
     
  14. Caraldo

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    Wow. It still blows my mind that so many here have run the same road I have. Thanks for articulating what I really wanted to say.
     
  15. Out and In

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    Hi ‘I’m gay’....I can totally relate to your post and experience. It is so much easier to get aroused with a woman when younger but now in my mid forties it just isn’t the same. However if I was with a guy right now I get aroused very easily, even by my gay fantasies and watching gay porn.
    You are correct in that a woman feels her husbands lack of interest in her is about her when in fact it is not. A woman is not to blame for her husband being gay but she can be a factor in him realising he is more attracted to men and the male form than females and the female form.
    When I met my wife I genuinely fell in love with her and fully believed I was meant to be with her and had control over my gay desire. But as time went on and we began arguing and I was just on edge all the time it was because I was fighting against my natural sexuality of being a gay man and I took my frustrations out in an unhealthy way which as you would suspect made both my wife and I very unhappy and me very very sexually frustrated. We both slowly shut down sexually however my gay urges have just become so intense that whenever my wife is away I am able to be the real me and I get relief from gay porn, masturbation and believe it or not sharing my situation on Empty Closets. The mind is our biggest sexual organ and when you know you are gay and accep you are gay then you open yourself up to a completely new world of love, arousal, fantasies and dating.
     
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  16. BiBarefeet

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    I'm with you there, Out and In. I think my wife's general behaviour pushed me away a bit. I then thought to myself that "look, you have homosexual urges, so why not examine them and see what it's all about". I did not want to find a direct replacement for my wife in the form of a mistress because it's too much hassle to be honest, and the emotional turmoil and bagged caused by two women is too much drama for any man to deal with.
    Having said that, I'm committed to making a huge effort for the next year to reconnect with my wife and see if she changes back somewhat to the woman I knew before a child came along. She definitely emotionally dumped me after giving birth. I'm not a jealous person and expect some transfer of doting and love/attention to our child but not all of it! Here's hoping for a brighter future, else a sea change may end up occurring in my life eventually, possibly involving a relationship with another man.
     
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  17. imperfect111

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    Interesting read.
    Thanks to all of you who replied to the OP.
    To follow up with some questions..
    Is it significantly harder to perform with your wife if you identified as a gay man in your early 20s and had relationships with other man?
    How do you know you 'can' perform if you have never been with a woman?
    How did your sexual life go after the first child? are both parties less driven by sex?
    Does the sexual appetite for other man increase after you guys got married to a woman?
     
  18. Caraldo

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    I identified as bi kind of until 26 when I declared myself as such, and didn't self identify as gay until 31, but I had primarily been involved sexually with males(really deep, psychopathic denial) from a very young age . I was easily able to perform, as I was young and viril. And my wife was bi and adventurous, and we did alot of role reversal, which I enjoyed. When she wanted it conventional, I had to fantasize about men to climax. After the first child, she really got away from adventure. I really began to struggle. Men were owning my thoughts, but I was committed , because I couldn't imagine being emotionally involved with a man. For you last question, almost immediately after marriage, I became obsessed with men. Unfortunately I wasn't strong enough to do the right thing.
     
  19. Pole star

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    Well said
     
  20. I'm gay

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    Each of our stories is unique, so while I will happily share my experience in the hopes that it resonates with people, it may or may not relate to your experience.

    I would certainly think so although that wasn't my direct experience. Since I didn't identify as a gay man prior to age 45, I don't know personally. From what I have read of the experiences of others, I would certainly think it is more difficult for a gay man who identifies as gay to have sex with a woman, unless he is able to treat the experience purely from a physical standpoint. I will say, however, that despite the lack of authentic chemistry I still thought the intercourse itself felt good. It just lacked a genuine emotional connection.

    I don't think you can know until you try it. But I would say the same applies regardless of the genders involved. You don't really know you can perform with a man either until you try it.

    After our first child, our sex life did diminish a little bit, at least during the first six months. It wasn't until our second child that things really went downhill. After our second child the frequency went even lower than it had ever been. Of course, with two young children, this is often the case in marriages unless the couple put in the effort to make the time, so I do think both parties are less driven by sex because it's such a challenge just to get through the day with two young kids. The longer it went on, the more invested I became with gay porn and fantasy. I suppose that was when things really started to change for me.

    For me, no. In fact, my sexual appetite for men had already been shut down during our dating period - I was already firmly in denial about being gay despite the fact that I had plenty of gay sex in my teen years to know I was gay.

    I hope these answers help. Take care. :gay_pride_flag: