I was wondering, for how long can a person stay closed? Can it be a lifetime? I mean if someone, say, marries a person, and they have children, yet he/she is a closeted person. Can that person stay closed for the rest of his/her life and just burry it deep down and never tries to act upon it? Cheers .
I thought i would do that, not the marrying and having kids but just been single and closeted as i think i will never be with someone but the one day i woke up and just could not take it anymore...and slowly i have started to come out although sometimes i dont really see the point if im going to be single forever...
There's no time restrictions of how long a person can stay closeted for. If you think you'd be happy marrying and having a family with the person you marry, and basically live a hetero life, then there's no worries. I would like to tell you though that there's many people who marry the opposite sex as a "beard" and then later realize they'd rather grow old with someone of the same sex. Check out the LGBT Later in life section if you'd like first-hand expertise. Of course there's always the possibility for you to be perfectly happy with living the "straight life". Just know there's no shame in admitting you're not happy some years later
I am married to a male and have kids. My husband is the easiest person in the world to talk to, he is a great listener, very open minded, sweetest person you will ever meet, and loves us more than his own life. I thought he was my soul mate. The last few years have really bothered me, and now we are taking a break because I can't keep living this lie. I'm not saying it can't work for you, i'm saying if reality catches up to you like it is me, it can really break your heart. Sorry to be such a buzz kill.
I don't think their is any time limitations on being closeted. I think it could be for a lifetime. Especially in the 'old days' when being gay was not accepted, I imagine many people stayed closeted forever! But for a lot of people, as NallaV points out reality catches up, I was already divorced from my husband for a couple years before I even started questioning and would eventually come out. I can imagine coming out of the closet would be REALLY difficult if someone is in a basically okay marriage with kids too. I think I would struggle with the concept of giving up 'okay/good enough/I'm not miserable' marriage and the stability of that to come out and venture into a much more unknown future! All I can say is that the pay out in being able to live authentically can be worth it. And there are many stories here of people who have left their marriages to do just that. Others have stayed and made peace with that decision. You aren't alone in this, and I think you will find a lot of support here on EC.
I guess someone could. In fact, I know some that have. But, to me, it always seemed like a pretty miserable way to live. I couldn't do it.
I tried to do that. I married a woman and fathered two children. I really believed that I would take my secret to the grave with me. I only lasted until 47 years old. Can people stay in the closet forever? Yes. Should they? No.
Was it mainly the sex part as a force that made you go in the open or the whole picture that something "else" was there and you were missing it? I'm asking because I have a friend and she says that her husband makes her happy in almost every aspect, even the sex is good with him but she says that there is a haunting feeling that something is missing or lacking in everything, small portions of every part . You think that the sum of those bits could contribute to a larger physical and mental distress over time?
My story is more complicated than can be explained easily as an answer to your question. My story is here if you want to read it: https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?threads/coming-out-at-47.440439/ No, for me the impetus for coming out of the closet had more to do with a mental breakdown following Pulse, so sex was not the primary motivator. However, as I've said in other posts, I became unable to have sex with my wife many years before I came out - I was simply unable to "perform" no matter what I did. Some gay closeted people are able to continue having sex with their straight spouse. I was not. I think each of us has our own motivators for coming out. For some it's a purely sexual issue, others fall in love with a same-sex partner, others just to rid themselves of the shame and hiding. There's no simple answer here, and your friend will have her own unique experiences as well.
Took the words out of my mouth. That's exactly how I feel too... and after trying way too many times with different guys, I don't feel like a relationship is ever going to work. Maybe after being single for pretty much all of my 29 years (having had only one 8 month LTR with a girl... my lame attempt at having an heterosexual life), I never got the "training" to be in a relationship with anyone... and it feels like it's too late now.
You don't really need training to be in a relationship, just be kind and supporting and if you are compatible with them it will work out.
fullstop....Yes I guess a person could stay closeted their whole life. I'm sure there are people who have done that. DON'T DO IT...I hid for 55+ years. It nearly destroyed me. DON'T, DONT' DON'T......David
It's not about the training. But that... maybe since I've been alone for so long, I'm just not able to get used to being with someone else. I don't how to explain it.
when you say don't do it ..what is the primary driver that guides you to follow that feeling? I mean if one has a wife, children , home etc.. he/she has it all, has she/he? isn't that, according to all world's doctrines ,the "wonder" we are all seeking in this life? And if it is a "disguised" happiness what "force" would be strong enough to push it out in the open? I'm trying to figure things out how other people think about this ...sorry if i sound strange with my questions
