Hi All, Been away for a while. Life has been interesting to say the least. I'll spare the details, but more-or-less things are on the upswing. I've been seeing someone off and on. I'm beyond nervous to commit. Stupid really. Which brings us to the topic at hand. A friend of mine and I were talking about the lasting effects of "the closet." Here's the question, how have the years in the closet affected you? For me, I'm struggling to be a human. I feel the closet has stripped me of any humanness. I don't know how to be sincere, intimate, free, in love, have sex, nothing. I don't feel worthy of life, mostly. So much time was spent hiding from self and others that I don't know if anything is left. I want so bad to fall in love and be free, but I really don't know if I can. I'm still approaching life as a defected hetero. I'm not and I know that, but that's still how I see the world. Ridiculous I know, but the truth. How has the clost affected you? OR, have you emerged all the better because of the struggle?
Good to hear from you again, Runner! The more I look at my life up to this point, the less sure I am that the closet is what messed things up for me. More like, the closet was the safe place for me to hide from all the other things that frightened me, but over time, I couldn't function without it. It was less the cause of my problems than a refuge that got our of hand and swallowed up my whole existence. So many of the feelings you mentioned--the lack of humanness, the hiding, the feeling of being unworthy--if I was really honest, those feelings were starting to develop well before puberty hit, and the realization that I was different from the other boys. I don't know if that's typical or not. One positive thing about all this is that you have some chances to recreate yourself into a better person. I have plenty of my old insecurities remaining from my childhood, but I'm working on developing new interests, new things to take joy in and be enthusiastic about. I'd embrace being open about being gay, certainly. The more out I get, the happier I am. But coming out isn't everything--we went in the closet because of issues we already had. Work on building a better you as a whole person, not just a gay man, and things will get better. At least I truly believe they have for me, and they can for you too.
Dear Runner, You have described my experience 100%. It has been 4 months now since taking my first steps out of the closet, and it feels like a journey to find my humanity. The strange thing was, if you had asked me before, I would have thought I had a full, and wonderful life. I was just unaware of how constricted that life had become. I sensed something was missing, but had no idea, just how much. I had dinner with a friend last night, and as I was sharing my experience of the last months with him, I said I feel like I am getting my humanity back. I held myself to such an impossibly high standard- one I would NEVER put on someone else. This process is humbling me in a real, and good way. I am discovering, I don t want to live up to everyone's expectations of me (or even worse, my own inflated interpretation of what they may be thinking- it turns out I was wrong in so many cases.) I want to live into MY life, to be in touch with what is real, and good and true. I am coming to see that my closet was constructed of rules. Some of them came from family, some from society, some from religion, some from work, some from life experiences. All were intended to keep me safe- and they worked. I survived and managed to work out a good life over time- and I do not regret it. One day, my therapist noticed that I have a lot of rules that came up on our conversations, and she asked me to journal about them, write them down. When I did, it turned out to be pages of rules- 270 active ones! Life had become a labyrinth, trying to navigate through them all. Today, I am going through the list, crossing off ones that I can see are hurtful. Testing ones that I assumed were helpful, but which may not be, and celebrating some that actually bring life and health. The process of coming out is a difficult journey, and one made at great cost. But there is also great gain. I am discovering that I am worth it. I am worthy of love, of being loved for who I am- instead of who I thought I should be. I hope, as you continue your journey out into the world, and life and humanity, that you will find it to be good, to know that you are more than worthy- you are beautiful.
For me being in the closet meant only living half of my life. I was hiding and not showing people who I really am. I put so much energy into trying to be someone else that I forgot who I really am. This past year and a half has been about trying to find the real me again, the person I was as a child before I spent the last 20 years hiding my personality behind anger, hatred and alcohol. I am slowly coming back to the nice, polite, happy girl I was before hiding myself. It is hard to face how much I have lost over the years with trying to be someone else. Now i an just focused on the future and trying to be myself and living the life that is right for me and realising that that is ok.
I think one thing that closet has done to me is it's made me really able to compartmentalize my feelings. I can be very open about some things, and extremely secretive about others- and feel completely natural doing that. I've needed to take a more proactive approach about being completely open and honest. While I'm pretty early in the process, it's kind of fun and rejuvenating when it happens. When it doesn't happen, it becomes a real struggle to bring other concerns and "secrets" out into the open. It's so easy to let the secrets fester in the dark even though you don't want them there.
This is such an interesting question: how does keeping a secret affect one's personality. Most of the research says it does, but there is a segment of the population that can live with it. This NYT article has some very interesting things to say about secret lives, here are some particularly relevant extracts: About the healthy aspects of leading a "secret life": As it applies to sexuality (familiar territory here): And how leading a secret life and finally revealing it can bring a more lively self to the fore:
I can completely relate. Although i was only in the closet for about 5-6 short years after realising i was gay.... It was like hell. I felt like i was always acting, always putting on a mask, always on edge. I felt like i was some sort of murderer trying to keep my bodies hidden. I was always lying to my friends and family and it made me feel guilty, so guilty... My emotions were haywire, little things would effect me but i would always keep my "straight" mask on. When people would say "you're so gay" without it even meaning what its supposed to mean, i'd feel the rush in my body with fear and embarrassment rising up in me, burning me from the inside out like i'm being punished and rejected by my own body because its disappointed in me for not being brave enough to say 3 simple words "I am gay". I felt like my brain and my heart were in a constant war, fighting each other to see whether or not i should tell everyone, someone, anyone. It always ended in a messy conclusion of pro's and cons out weighing each other on "Should I" or "shouldn't I" When you're walking with your friends, digging your hole deeper and deeper when they spot an incredibly attractive female and them explaining the explicit things they would do to her as i practically floss my teeth with lies after lies spewing out just so i felt accepted by my best friends who i knew would not care of my orientation but our brains dont think like that, we think of the negatives because we've been shown and told by media how people should react to gays. It is horrible. But once i bit the bullet, took that leap of faith and finally said what i needed to say. Everything was incredible. Everyone was great to me. I met someone, a perfect someone only a month after telling me two closest friends of my preference. They instantly liked him, they even said if me and him ever broke up they'd rather stay in touch with him than me and that just makes me so much happier to know that i don't live in this narrow minded world that the media loves to smother us with.
Wow. What a deep question. I've never thought about it in that way, but yes, 40+ years in the closet undoubtably has an effect on me. I've always been able to compartmentalize things. To be a different person as each situation called for. Coming to terms with my sexuality meant finally admitting that I have spent my entire life trying to calibrate myself to please other people. My parents, my friends, and later, my wife. The thing I'm struggling with now that I've come out to friends and family is that I am still closeted at work. So I find that I'm still living this sort of "double life", even now. Will I be able to be true to myself if I never come out of the closet at work? I don't know. I wonder.
I am not out at work, there is one homophobe among us and he has made more than a few irritating comments during my 15 months here. Nevertheless, the CEO has stated publicly that he has no problem with it, so I am to a certain degree protected, but I have to work with these people on a day-to-day basis... To my mind, my sexuality is quite literally none of their business. If I should be in a committed partnership with someone, then maybe, if only to explain why I am inviting him to the Christmas party...
Work... I am out at work now. It was easy... Anti-gay minister Scott Lively, of Springfield, running for governor | masslive.com A co-worker asked me to support this guy and I said "I can't, I am gay" Tom ---------- Post added 29th Jul 2014 at 11:04 AM ---------- Hi, You society is a facade of lies. A dangerous facade. It force feeds illusions and lies of happiness from birth. They get you to believe the fallacy at the cost of losing yourself to comply with the illusion. Once you see beyond the facade you see it is nothing. Society is a fake movie set that relies on compliance of illusion. You can choose to see beyond the facade and fallacy of society. Why fight to enter a broken, empty thing? You are backstage now, the illusions of family, religion, morality, justice are all exposed by you being gay and a social outlier. It is a gift. Take advantage of it. Your self doubt of the illusions of society is 100% accurate! Rethink everything. You get a do-over. Do it your way. Tom
Up till recently I've actually been MORE out at work than anywhere else. My company was historically very gay-friendly and was bought several times by a few that were less so, but it seems as though the rainbows have shown through, shall we say. I have people asking me openly about how things are going in my relationship, how my wife and kids are handling things, how HIS are, etc. Small wonder that several co-workers were the first people I came out to. I have several family members who have been almost relentlessly supportive, and the first few others I've told have been so accepting that I almost feel guilty talking about my experiences to the many people here who have struggled so deeply and agonizingly for acceptance. I can relate to the compartmentalization of feelings and the secrecy, though. I used to think I was just a very private person, but the truth is, there are huge parts of my personality that are kept under lock and key, and even now, I'm very cautious about letting most people get too close. I tend to think of my feelings as a burden on other people rather than something to be shared with them, and I have to talk myself down from ledges more often than I'd like. I still take random insignificant events and assign way too much significance to them, and I have to force the logical part of my brain into gear to override the knee-jerk, irrational, over-emotional reaction. Those reactions may have been enhanced by the closet, but I think they were there already, and the closet just gave them the perfect environment to grow wildly out of proportion. If you're keeping yourself separate from other people, for whatever reason, you don't learn how to interact with them in a positive way, and I never did. I never gave myself the chance, and I didn't trust anyone else enough to let them into my head. I'm really trying to avoid holding the closet too much to blame for my problems. Ultimately the closet is just a place--a place that I decided to enter and wall myself into 30 years ago, and am now choosing to leave behind me. It didn't suck me in. It gave me a safe place to hide what I saw as my own faults and weaknesses. By leaving it, I'm telling the world that I am strong and human and worth seeing for who I am. They may not believe it, but I finally do, and that's all that matters to me.
The closet wrapped me "safely" in a patchwork quilt of shame, denial, secrecy, loneliness, ... the list goes on. Stepping out of the closet and into the warm sunshine gives me the chance to leave that moldering quilt behind.
Thank you all for your insights and kind words. Greeley, I think you're lucky, despite the pain, because you seem that you were aware of the battle and masks. Correct me if I'm wrong, but there was a very conscience act to it all? For me it became this, but much, much later (early 40's). Prior to that it was such a normal part of me I didn't even realize it was happening. I believe that closets are created by those around us, sometimes out of well-meaning though misguided intents, but I was "put" in there. The details and circumstances of my life in early teens were such that there was no option. I was herded onto the cattle car like I was being sent to a concentration camp. There was no opportunity to object. And simultaneously, my life was stolen from me. Did I survive? yes. Was there some good stuff in those years? yes. Are there scars?, God yes, there are scars. One does not escape such an ordeal unscathed. Here's my followup question, have you become so familiar, even comfortable, with the normalcy of loneliness that you prefer it to the anxiety of being without it? Your norm is fucked up but preferable in some twisted way? The guards are always up; you're always in "shields up" mode; always in fight-or-flight? If I learned anything in the closet is that I'm a survivor, so there's that.
I'm trying to learn the idea of 'kill the ANTS" = automatic negative thoughts. I overreact sometimes, not in person, but in my head. I can remain (most of the time) cool and friendly but in my head I will become really upset or angry without letting it out unless I can be alone. For instace, I make a small mistake and will beat myself up for days afterwards. I agree that the silence of the closet, and the loneliness, does not help with keeping things in perspective. To the question (not sure if it is only for Greeley or in general?): I do think I've been lonely for so long that I am pretty used to it. I was lonely in high school for a long time and although it hurt I got so used to it that it started to bother me less. I think it made me sometimes seek or prefer solitude (also not to get hurt again) even though high school is long behind me. It's like I was forced to be more of a loner in high school, but since then, it has been hard to trust people and I have kept myself in that position. I am letting my guard down more here on EC, but just a little in real life... It is safe behind those walls; I'm not sure if I actually prefer it, but it is hard to let my guard down too. I'm sort of slowly trying to peek out from behind my shields a little, on less important things, to test people... before I will go further in trusting them on bigger matters. So baby steps for me.
