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Cis + Straight Female in a Toxic Work Place, any advice appreciated!

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by CaptFish, May 9, 2019.

  1. CaptFish

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    Hey everyone! Sorry this is a little long, bear with me please!! (there's TL;DR at the end) First time user, I'm straight cis female, 22, and want to do all I can to support equality for all of humanity. I work in a really great health and fitness place, for being 22 with no college degree a job as wonderful as this with great bosses and well paying is really hard to come by, I feel so lucky to have it! I've never had this kind of stability before!

    The only real problem is that this is Atlanta (I'm from California) and there are times when the bigotry of the south can really take a toll on my mental state. The main part of my job is talking to them to distract them while they are in our CryoSauna (I freeze people for 3 minutes to stimulate the body) I always avoid Trigger-Topics with clients, I don't give my personal opinion on things and no politics, i often lie about what I do on the weekends ("Oh I watched Netflix! Definitely didn't attend an anti trump rally!")
    but sometimes clients will just blurt out or start random rants where they say awful, racist, bigoted, disturbing things, I just change the topic quickly but it makes it so hard to keep the cheery attitude and be super nice to them after they've said all these terrible things. The previous girl that worked here was an open, loud trump supporter, so sometimes people assume it's okay for them to speak like that. I've worked to change our Business's instagram into LGBTQ friendly (I mean when I first started worked here, I open up the home page of our Business' IG and it was ALL Trump, Anti Imiigrant, anti LGBTQ+ Rights, black people should be in jail and are all criminals! It was seeing into a mind I never want to see into again. I've changed it all to be business oriented, health and wellness, and lots of pro-human rights.) But I can't change our clients.
    Sometimes it's kind of my fault,
    the other day a client whom I knew was a Republican, but like, I thought she was "one of the good ones" as she had been a stripper and was generally very easy going, was talking about how drastic the weather has been, and I just kind of jokingly said "that pesky global warming" more of as a joke, I guess that was a trigger because she began vehemently RANTING about how Global Warming isn't real and it's just liberal propaganda from liberal demon AOC (seriously) and I tried to get her to stop and move onto another topic but she kept going, and while she ranted all these fake things about AOC I said "Oh so you watch all of her speeches and interviews? and she said "Oh no I just know what my news channel tells me." and goodd that hurt so bad I just wanted to try and have a discussion with her to try and educate her but she was really upset about it all and it's not my place, she's been a customer since we first opened and she spends so. much. money here. If I lost her as a client i'd instantly lose my job.

    We have lots of clients like that, they say awful things, or one guy who my Bosses LOVE, has been here since the beginning, big spender, is generally a giant asshole, not the funny kind but like, an actual asshole, women should be in the kitchen type, one time came in and saw one of our gay clients working out, he came into my office laughing, pointed towards the Gay Client, and said "ahhaha I almost screamed out F****T at him! hahah hilariousss" I told him that wasn't funny nor is that okay, totally inappropriate, but he just kept laughing "c'mon you know me i'm an asshole hahahah" and since then I don't even smile at him, he thinks i'm "being snarky," and I'm playing along with his asshole humor, I'm literally just being indifferent. No personality. I can't tell him off, but I can't be nice to him either.

    I had one of my friends, a lesbian, come work on the weekends to help her out while she job hunted. It wasn't until she started working here that I suddenly became overwhelmed with fear, and realized just how much I hear anti LGBTQ, Immigrant, etc stuff here. On the weekends often the Cryo Operator (our job) is THE ONLY ONE at work, Saturdays I'm literally alone all day long, locked in a room one client at a time. I totally panicked and told her that while most of our clients our good, she shouldn't tell anyone she's gay, I felt so gross and upset on the inside, I never ever wanted to be that person that tells somebody to hide like that, but with her being alone on the weekends I was so scared 'cause what if something happened? I still feel really upset that I asked her to be sure not to tell anyone. She understood though. She's lived in the south long enough. My bosses are nice, most of our customers are pretty good. but the ones that are bad, are bad. They work out in the gym, like today, two ladies ranting about the Met Gala, and how one lady "had to" yell at her daughter for being a fan of Harry Styles, who she shouldn't be a fan of because after wearing THAT woman shirt he's definitely GAY! DISGUSTING!" and there's other gay clients in the gym, and the trainers are all normal progressives, and they just continue living, so that's what I should do too, just ignore it. Right? I love my job, it's mostly great. It's really helped me leg up in the world, but what's the point of dressing up like captain america at every rally i can get to, donating, volunteering, speaking out loud and proud only to shut my mouth at work. It literally makes me sick to my stomach, am I a bad ally for not speaking out? no matter the cost? I can always find another job. not as good as this, not as stable, I have terrible mental health so being able to get 40+ hours and have a little leftover to put in savings after bills is valuable to me, But I should care more about doing what's right, right? I'm torn. Should I just stay silent and continue my work like the trainers and other people here do?

    Do you have any advice on things I can do to slowly make the space more LGBTQ Friendly? I want people to know that they are safe here with me, even if they overhear another client being gross. Or things I can say that can cool down situations? i don't know. I'm just upset and wish I could say something. Which I can. at the cost of my job, which I really want to keep. maybe I'm making too big of a deal about this. I've been here 3 years, I should get over it. But it upsets me so. so much.


    TL;DR: I'm a liberal who supports equal rights for all, but a lot of our clients are trump supporters and often of their own will just say some of the worst, depressing, racist, homophobic, bigoted, anti vax anti global warming conspiracy theory, disturbing things that make me feel sad and sick, i want to speak up for what's right but it's not my place and I don't want to lose the overall incredible job. It just really drains me. I feel like a bad ally because I'm choosing to keep my job over trying to educate the clients or call them out. I need this job, but I want to do what's right. It really makes me upset to hear this stuff daily. What can I do?
     
  2. Really

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    Oh man, @CaptFish ,

    That’s terrible. I don’t have any great advice but maybe you could respond when someone says these awful things with, “Hey. Not cool. This is supposed to be your happy place. No negativity allowed.” Delivered in a light, joking manner but perhaps if you did it repeatedly and they stopped doing it (there,anyway), at least you wouldn’t have to listen to it. Best of luck!
     
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  3. Jaimequestions

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    I am assuming you came from a city in California before moving to Georgia. I was raised outside the DC area till I was 10, moved all over the place in the mid west and came back to DC 8 years ago. The mid west sounds like the area you are in where political correctness is not important. Sometimes I like that, but sometime it can be startling. I will say the problem is more the local culture, but it is a good step to update your company's Instagram.
     
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  4. GayTurtle

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    Sounds hard. I definitely don't suggest doing anything which would cause you to lose your job. I'm sure everyone here appreciates the support, but you've got to take care of yourself too, and it sounds like you need the stability right now. I think it's unlikely that you can really change someone's mind or educate them about these types of contentious issues in such a short time-span anyways.

    This might depend on the details of your hiring and the business, but you might consider about inquiring to your great bosses about not always being the CryoSauna operator. If your bosses like the work you do, they'll want to keep you around, and so they will try to accommodate you if possible.

    You might also prepare specific lines to try to directly change the subject. You might consider more direct approaches here as well, such as literally saying "Let's change the subject" - that way there's less wiggle room. Most people don't actively want to start contentious arguments with people they barely know. Depending on the person you might also consider throwing in an extra phrase: "You know I don't think I agree with you there, but let's change the subject".

    In extreme cases such as one customer calling another customer a slur, this is maybe something to bring up to your bosses. If some of your customers are making the workplace an unwelcome environment for other customers, this is something your bosses should care about as well (maybe especially if phrased from the business perspective), or at least know about. In the case of clients like this, I'd continue to do my best to make it clear that I wasn't interested in chit chat with this person, only business. Eventually they should get the message, even if it doesn't hit them at first.
     
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  5. CaptFish

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    Thank you I appreciate that! I'll definitely think about some ways that I can say that to keep things on track, that's a better angle!!
     
  6. CaptFish

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    Unfortunately being the Cryo operator is the ONLY job, it's just me and then the trainers, nobody/nothing else (we all do the cleaning, laundry, booking/pay etc ourselves) Yes definitely I'm making a list of things to say, definitely going with what someone said earlier about this being "a happy place" so no negativity, just focus on them feeling better kind of shtick, thank you so much for your in depth response!!! It definitely feels like a weight has been lifted now that I have a better idea of things I can do to make the environment better!! Seriously thank you so much!!
     
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