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Choosing to be gay?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Leah061, May 31, 2018.

  1. Leah061

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    Sometimes I feel like I'm choosing to be gay. I know that isn't true, especially now that I've overanalyzed every crush and relationship I've ever had. I know now that my feelings for women go as far back as I can remember, even when I didn't realize what I was feeling. I do believe that I am gay and that I have always been that way. However, it did take a very specific set of events, which had to happen in a very specific way in order for me to see this. I didn't understand my feelings for women until I was 18 and started college in a very liberal place far away from the town I grew up in. Even then, I thought I was bi, and denied myself even the thought of dating women. Three years later, I finally developed this massive, undeniable crush on a girl in my class and that was when I actually summoned the courage to understand my sexuality for what it is. I have gotten to the point where I feel like I can call myself gay, and even though I'm not out at all, it feels like a relief to finally have this clarity. But I didn't get that clarity until I chose to confront this part of me. It's not like I was struggling before I recognized this, I wasn't trying desperately hard to convince myself I was straight. My life had to go down a specific path for me to see this, and I feel like I had to choose to see it. It makes me wonder if my life had gone in a different direction if I ever would have figured it out, and somehow I don't think I would have.
     
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  2. Humbly Me

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    I think you probably would have at some point, though it may have been far into the future.
     
  3. Love4Ever

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    Honestly, I don't think how you come to be where you are matters. Just that you are there now, and you're happy. I feel exactly the same way. I probably could have been straight with very little trouble. I could have chosen to not act on my feelings for girls. But I am so happy I didn't do that. Be proud of who you are!
     
  4. Leah061

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    I guess I just feel insecure about the fact that some people know their sexuality earlier on, and I could have just kept on going dating men without ever realizing how gay I am. I mean, I would have only had lukewarm feelings for them, but I feel like I could have lived a "straight" life. It seems like it makes me less gay? I truly do not know if I would have figured this out if it had not been for this one girl at this liberal school I go to.
     
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  5. CharlieS

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    I went through a similar journey of discovery, right down to IDing as bi and deciding I'd never date women for whatever reason when I was younger. I think your experience is very normal.
     
  6. normalwolverine

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    I think this is kind of what happens to the lesbians who end up in hetero marriages with kids and eventually come out. They just don't feel that strong urge to acknowledge and/or act on being lesbians until living as heterosexual does become unsatisfying. Nothing ever stays the same, even when we swear it will.

    For years, I really didn't particularly care what my sexual orientation was and was very "go with the flow." Eventually, I wanted a "label" and to understand my sexual orientation exactly, and I set out to do that.

    I think fewer people "just know" their orientation earlier on than not.
     
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  7. Love4Ever

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    There is no such thing as not queer enough! I sometimes feel like a "fraud" too but then I remember someone's sexuality and who they date and what sexes they are attracted to doesn't matter. You could be 90% straight and 10% gay and you can call yourself queer all day long if you want to. All that matters is how you identify personally. Being queer isn't a contest. :slight_smile:
     
  8. Love4Ever

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    This last part is so true. And if it makes you feel better I feel the same way about being bi all the time. I'm very physically drawn to men
     
  9. Love4Ever

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    Sorry. My phone messed up. I had a whole long response but it got cut off hence the above mess. Basically in a nutshell, if I never sat myself down and had the thought "hmmm maybe you could be attracted to men AND women" I probably would never have realized I was bi. There was no grand eureka moment for me. I don't think it has to be that way for everyone. I'm 21, and only just these last few months feel confident that yes, I'm bi. I feel like I kind of "grew into" my sexuality. It's all normal and healthy as long as you're happy.
     
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  10. Love4Ever

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    I also sometimes worry I'm "not queer enough" because I'm very physically attracted to men. I love looking at the male form, and for years this was such a big reason I thought I was straight. But even though I physically am very drawn to men from an aesthetic point of view, emotionally, I think a woman would suit me better as a mate. I am starting to see, that no matter how physically attracted to men I am, the emotional side for me in a relationship is more important and for me it's very hard to find a man who I can click with the way I can with another woman. So I personally feel I've gained a great deal by exploring my attractions. My options for finding a life partner widened for the better.
     
    #10 Love4Ever, May 31, 2018
    Last edited: May 31, 2018
  11. LostInDaydreams

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    I don't think there's only one way to go through this experience. For me, it wasn't so much about the urge not being strong enough, but more about having absolutely no idea. It just never occurred to me. I just assumed what I experienced in my heterosexual relationship was normal for me. When my relationship hit a rough patch (for reasons completely unrelated to sexuality), it was another year or so before I really started questioning my sexuality. My questioning was prompted by crossing paths with a former female colleague, whom I can now see I had a crush on. Like you, @Leah061, I don't know where I would be with my questioning if I hadn't happened to see her that day.
     
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  12. silverhalo

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    Hey I don't think as many people just know about their sexuality as you think, sure there are some but I think it's more a case that people especially in real life don't share their struggles and questioning period with people, so all the other people see is them coming out. As the others have said, everyone's journey is different and the way your journey unfolds doesn't make you better, worse, more or less gay or bi than anyone else it's just your story. My story was similar to lostindaydreams only minus the heterosexual relationship. When I figured out my sexuality the was definitely a period where is was kind of mad with myself for not realising and sorting it out sooner but I came to the conclusion that it's just the way it had to be. I think our minds only confront and see these matters when they are ready to deal with them, so your mind was obviously ready. Don't worry things will get easier.
     
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