Sometimes I feel like I'm choosing to be gay. I know that isn't true, especially now that I've overanalyzed every crush and relationship I've ever had. I know now that my feelings for women go as far back as I can remember, even when I didn't realize what I was feeling. I do believe that I am gay and that I have always been that way. However, it did take a very specific set of events, which had to happen in a very specific way in order for me to see this. I didn't understand my feelings for women until I was 18 and started college in a very liberal place far away from the town I grew up in. Even then, I thought I was bi, and denied myself even the thought of dating women. Three years later, I finally developed this massive, undeniable crush on a girl in my class and that was when I actually summoned the courage to understand my sexuality for what it is. I have gotten to the point where I feel like I can call myself gay, and even though I'm not out at all, it feels like a relief to finally have this clarity. But I didn't get that clarity until I chose to confront this part of me. It's not like I was struggling before I recognized this, I wasn't trying desperately hard to convince myself I was straight. My life had to go down a specific path for me to see this, and I feel like I had to choose to see it. It makes me wonder if my life had gone in a different direction if I ever would have figured it out, and somehow I don't think I would have.