After you came out (assuming you did), did you notice that your priorities changed? Before I came out, my priorities were, in order: (1) making the gay go away (including throwing myself into my school or work); (2) pleasing others, especially people who seemed to be in authority; and (3) somehow trying to find satisfaction despite trying to make the gay go away. Now that I've come out, my priorities seem to be, in order: (1) growing up and maturing so I am finally my true, authentic self; (2) building friendships and intimate relationships, even though I'm not sure how to go about that; and (3) finding a career that not only financially supports me, but also really suits me. It's been somewhat challenging going through this shift. Does this make any sense?
It makes a lot of sense, and a good barometer of how our journeys are progressing. Here's mine - Before coming out, my priorities were (1) hiding and suppressing any possible thing about me that was in any way "gay," (2) avoiding looking at anything that represented the LGBT community or anything about being gay, except for porn of course, and (3) isolating myself and daydreaming about another life that I wished could be mine (you know the one). Today my priorities are (1) trying to be the best father I can be, and doing everything I can to actually be present for them when I'm present with them, (2) learning everything I can about being gay, what it means for me, and how to take the next steps in my journey, and (3) engaging with other gay men and women socially, being open and honest in my life, my relationships and my family.
I had a similar experience. Before coming out, I fought so hard to suppress everything. It caused a lot of depression but I was at university at the time, so I threw myself into my studies so I didn't have to deal with it... I was also part of the orchestra, so I would put in hours of practice. I avoided other openly gay students for fear of being associated with them. I used to pray to wake up straight ... or just not be gay. I used to make a point of commenting on girls who were cute so I would not be caught out. When I started work, I kept this ruse going ... till I hit 25. Then I came out - to myself, then friends, then my sister... then my parents. Once I came out, things definitely changed. Funny enough, my friends already had a suspicion so the conversations changed to include what guys I liked etc... I also didn't mind meeting and speaking to gay people (male or female). While I still shy away from the LGBT community at large (mostly because I am shy and awkward) I am open to making new friends and chatting to other guys/girls. I also found a balance with work, music and friends. 11 years later, I am still finding a balance etc LOL... but I am definitely not that scared pre-25 year old anymore.
Yes these changes make total sense and are consistent with my own experience. We stop trying to fight our gay selves, examine our lives while in the closet, and then start making changes to bring our lives into authenticity.
Very insightful and thoughtful thread! My main priority at this point in my life, where authentic living is at the core, is to find contentment in whatever comes my way. If I have a choice to make, whatever that choice is, I look to pick the one that will ensure I am happy.
It's not so much changing priorities for me as it is about changing my attitude toward life in general. This has been especially important not only since coming out, but since my sister's death over a year ago. I am learning that we all too easily fall into automatic patterns and habits; this applies to our work just as much as our relationships. The clip below from the movie My Dinner with André about the trouble with "...being active and doing things..." is pertinent to this discussion, because priorities are guided by what we value, and if we value being alive to the present moment (as opposed to going through the motions), our priorities will necessarily change. [YOUTUBE]Y7BI3bvNKdU[/YOUTUBE]
