Changes in other areas?

For me it was kind of a chicken-or-egg situation. A number of circumstances all collided and in the process, I made the decision to start moving out of a closet I was already quite aware that I was in. First, my father passed away. We had had a difficult relationship as long as I can remember, but he was handicapped (double amputee) and while he didn't require constant attention, he also could call me at any time with some issue or other that I would need to deal with. So losing him freed up a whole lot of emotional and mental energy. I also turned 50, and when I went to the doctor for my first checkup in years, he gave me some positive suggestions for weight loss (I was over 300), and also discovered that I was severely anemic, like my iron level was half what it should have been , and he was surprised I could even function. So I ended up losing a lot of weight, going on iron supplements, and having increased energy and mind-space, which made me realize how completely messed up my marriage was, and how completely unlikely it was that my then-wife would ever consider working on it or accepting her role in the mess.

I figured I'd divorce her for my own sanity and then dip my toe in the gay pool, because I always knew I was more attracted to men, but was brought up believing that marriage was the be-all, end-all, and truly did love her when we married. But we were miserably incompatible, and she was (and is) incapable of a relationship that doesn't center around her emotional needs, and boy does she have needs. Anyhow, finances precluded a divorce without severely messing up our kids' lives, so I made the decision to stay with her, but eventually came out to her and warned her that this was a short term proposition until the girls finished high school. (OK, it was a LOT more emotional and difficult than that, but this is the Cliff notes version.) But a few months later I stumbled on a guy who was more my soulmate than anyone I've ever met, and we've been together for close to 3 years now. That forced the issue and I filed for divorce and moved in with him. Fortunately he's letting me live there rent free, because between child support and other expenses, I'd be living in my car otherwise. But I'll be done with child support long before he is, so it will even out eventually.

Long story but the point is coming. Since coming out, I've changed jobs with my company twice, once because of circumstances somewhat out of my control (which ended up a mess), and now recently because I finally had enough and switched to something that is making me far happier. I'm far less likely to blame myself for things out of my control, and less likely to try to fix everyone else's problems if it would mean screwing up my own life. My relationship with my daughters, now 15 and almost 19, was always good, but I feel like it's oved in a new and more positive direction. And I've started allowing myself more time for my own activities, and am enjoying some of them more (like singing in church, which I completely love). Has all this happened because I came out? Or was coming out part of a whole mental shift that made me feel like I had to reclaim my identity? Was it part of a midlife crisis from turning 50, and I would have made many of the same changes without ever leaving the closet? I really don't know.

I DO know that sexual orientation is only a part of who we are as people, and it can be as big a deal, or as little, as you make it. I know in my heart that had my wife not been such an emotional black hole, we might well have stayed married forever, and I would have occasionally glanced at gay porn and wondered, but ultimately chalked the feelings up to another in a series of what-ifs. What it I had taken that job in another state, what if we had bought a different house, what if my dad had lived longer, etc. We don't live long enough to do all the things we might want to do, and I can accept that. Coming out for me was the result of reaching a tipping point, but for others, it might be the trigger of that tipping point. So yes, lots of changes were tied in with coming out, not necessarily BECAUSE of it, but they're certainly all tied together in some complicated knot.

 

Hey Crazydog!
I totally get what you're saying. I've only come out to one person but I find myself being a different person with her. I'm probably a lot more feminine because I don't feel like I have to hide that part of me anymore, well not from her anyway. I talk more openly about guys and sex and all sorts of things that normally I wouldn't. I even cry easier if I get upset which is something I never do with anyone else. It's like I know she knows so I can drop the act and stop pretending to be this guy that I'm not. She's not gonna judge me so I'm just me. And it's brilliant. Feels so liberating. Wish I could be that way with everyone but my story is a bit complicated so for the moment I'm not able to just come out. I think it's brilliant you're in the process of doing that though. You just be you and don't worry about what's changing. You're being true to yourself and nothing matters more than that!